The wanting

What do you want most in life?

I want to love, and be loved. I want acceptance, and closeness. I want bonds, I want family. I want attachments with people where I'm actually afraid to loose them.

That's the hardest part though. Attachments, bonds. It requires trust. And I just don't have that. For anyone.

I mean I have my kids, though I can't, nor dare, trouble them with my worries. And there's my husband. Who I trust, kind of. We've gone through way to much though as of late, and are busy trying to rebuild what we once had.

And then there's no-one.

And no one has really given me a reason to trust them anyways. I feel like the majority of people around me that call themselves "family", are a pit of snakes. They look at you, and see through you unless you are of some value to them.

Which is fine. I really prefer not to force myself into unwanted waters anyways. I just wish they'd stop smiling in my face, and then talk shit behind my back, watching me drown and never offering help. Fuck it.

As for friends? Who needs them? They all plot, lie, and manipulate too. If it's not one thing it's another. They don't really care about what goes on in your life, unless they can use it against you. Or tell all your secrets and inner most thoughts. Or they try to hit on you. When you really just want to walk and smoke a blunt, have a rock to crash your waves on, apparently that's an invitation to just make a move.

But maybe that's my fault for staying around when I could of left. Everyone else made me feel so unwanted, to have fake wanting, even though I knew what it was, felt nice.

"Fake wanting." I guess you're wondering what that is.

It's when someone pretends they want you, and are interested in YOU, but they're not really into you, so much as wanting to be inside of. You know the ones.

The one's that offer to be your friend and "listen" but really they just sit there and nod. In one ear and out the other. Like you don't notice that they aren't really listening to a word you say. Half engagement; "uh huh, yeah, that's nuts, that's crazy, I know what you mean, yeah man." It's when the hands/arms slips from the high mid back hug, to the lower back, lower lower back hug. As if you don't notice the inching down to your ass. As well as the hugs going from a loose casual, to firmer, tighter, more compressed to the body. But don't call them out on it, because they'll flip it on you every time and tell you you're mistaken, and "do that to everyone." No they don't.

They don't really want to be your friend either. And we know it. We read it, and yet we stay. Because sometimes it's easier pretending that someone DOES care about us, WANTS to listen, laugh. Instead of actually looking for the cracks in our relationships to weasel their little way into a piece of ass, as futile as that is. I digress. Making friends is hard.

I don't know why I expect people to deal with me anyways. I don't like feeling like anyone's problem, and I don't want pity. I abhor pity! Usually the second I detect it in someone's voice, I change subject and move on. I am not less than, and I am not weak by any means from what I've been through.

I would just love someone to talk to, who can make me laugh about it all, and say "bitch, we got this lmao."

Where are you?