Be Gentle This Holiday Season

Back in August, I shared with you a tribute to my mom. She passed away from a 10-year battle with Parkinson’s Disease at age 84. I will not go back over how I felt at that moment, but I will reference the article. For those of you who read it, thank you. I have never written anything like that before. Okay, I take it back. I did write a brief tribute to Whitney Houston, but I attribute it more to a fan honoring a favorite celebrity when they first passed away. Also, Whitney’s passing was different from mommy’s. My mom was not a celebrity, except through my family and friends’ eyes only. If Whitney were a regular person with no fame behind her name, I would not have known about her, except if I had met her in person and we could have been friends.

This was not what I am writing about, so bear with me.

I am no expert on this subject, only an unwilling participant.

When it comes to the first holidays after a loved one’s passing, a person feels a little overwhelmed in the moment, but we do not stay there. Several things have happened since mom’s passing. I started thinking about what this coming holiday season would look like without her presence. I believe that mommy is here with our family in spirit, but it is not the same. Let me tell you what I am feeling at this moment at 2:00 AM on a Monday morning when I normally want to write this type of journaling:

In some way, there is a part of me that is angry. I am not angry at mommy; I am angry at the disease that took her. I read something late Saturday that said, “Mommy, you have prepared me to do everything but how to live without you.” That is how I feel at this moment. I am trying not to cry, especially since this is Thanksgiving week in the United States. And while I know how to make Mac and Cheese from scratch, as well as knowing how to make mom’s favorite dressing, there is a part of me that expects her to travel with daddy and me from home to my brother’s home Thanksgiving morning. Again, she will be with us in spirit, but I cannot feel her presence with physical touch, the way she looks at me when I say something quirky and responds with the usual “Patti Lynn” when that quirky saying deserves a response. I know she sees it all from above, but again it is not the same. I know mommy is better off than having the pain she felt when we went to my nephew’s house last year. This same feeling will be felt when we celebrate Christmas in a few weeks. I do not expect this feeling ever to go away, but as the years pass on, it will get easier.

If you are feeling the same way, just know that it is perfectly okay to have these feelings. They are a normal part of life. I felt the same way about my grandparents, aunts, and uncles who passed on before mommy. It does not matter at the moment but knows that if you feel the same way about your loved one the way I feel about mommy, you will go through this too, and grief hits people in different ways, but know that it is okay for these feelings to surface to the forefront of your mind.

My other story for today is Sunday, the church I belonged to traveled to the next major town, which is Cincinnati, Ohio. My pastor preached a sermon there, which is the church that his mother-in-love preaches. (There is a difference between “in-law” and “in-love”). Anyways, at the church Saturday, they had a two-hour grief share course that I wish I had known about and attended. It was not online. The pastor asked three members of the congregation to share what they learned about “navigating the holidays without a loved one.” The first person who spoke lost her mother in September. As I listened, tears started streaming down my cheeks, and I had to leave to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t that I did not want to listen, but I was caught up in my own story and how I had to navigate my first life event without mommy. One of the ushers came into the bathroom to talk with me. I felt a sense of knowing that I would be okay during this first holiday season without mommy. It just hurts, but I also know that if she did not pass, she probably would be in pain now.

One thing I found out from daddy is that mommy was hurting so much in her last days. I did know that when I would look over at her, she was moaning and groaning in her sleep. So, knowing that she went peacefully helps me.

Again, if you are experiencing your first holiday without your loved one, please know that you are not alone, and I did not write this article to make me feel better. I wrote it to make you feel at ease and comforted.

Thank you, mommy, for teaching me how to make your version of Mac and cheese (the folks are requesting my version). I will fix your version at Christmas, Sweet Potato Pie (next year), and dressing. Turkey is your son’s department, and I am not sure if Greens and Cornbread will be on the table. Daddy will probably sneak his pig’s feet for Christmas or New year’s. We will see on Thursday.

The other part is my gratefulness for mom being my mommy. That is the next article. Stay tuned, and God bless you.