A Season In Hell

13 Seasons Of Illinois

Welcome to Illinois, if you're fool enough to come for a visit. You've entered the famed land of Lincoln. It's home to the hometown of former president Ronald Reagan. The state produced America's first black president, and we love to elect governors of the corrupt persuasion.

It's a special kind of place to live, to grow up, and to raise a family. Illinois is such a special place that only here can you enjoy the number of seasons that only Illinois can produce. The seasons just aren't what they used to be, not anywhere.

"Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call, and I'll be there, yes, I will, you've got a friend."

-James Taylor, 1971 release of "You've Got A Friend"

Winter

Winter can be a fun and even beautiful time of year. The snow brightens up the cold days with more hours of darkness than light. The holiday season is upon us, even if there's no peace on Earth and very little goodwill towards "man."

Confused Winter

There's one thing that you can count on when it comes to Illinois weather. It's an absolute certainty. The reality of Illinois weather lies in that the weather doesn't know what it's doing any more than the weather forecasters can be accurate.

Illinois is famous for its false starts to spring. You might be riding a motorcycle wearing just a tee shirt and jeans on Christmas day and shoveling out of a blizzard on April 22nd. The weather in Illinois will keep you guessing.

Shooting Season

America and all Illinoisans know that the first warm spell to hit Illinois comes with a sense of dread as much as a sense of joy. While most people are glad to see the sun and the end of the slick roads, that vocal minority that is famed for ruining the city of Chicago, turning Peoria into a cesspool, and making most people feel less safe, will get to shooting at each other. In Illinois, nothing beats the first signs of spring like pulling out your Glock and playing bang bang in the streets.

The peak of shooting season lasts from the first warm spell until it's just too damned cold to be outside, but shooting season in Illinois is an all-year event. If Chicago wanted to boost revenue they'd sell tags just like the hunters buy for deer season.

Spring

Illinois Springs bring beautiful flowers and warming temperatures, and the world slowly turns green as the leaves begin to grow on the trees. Spring is a good time to go fishing, start hunting for mushrooms, and get out of the house after a long cold winter. Spring is a season we all enjoy.

Broke Season

As a wise man once said, fools and their money will soon part. Well, in Illinois, every resident is a fool every year in April. Illinois now holds the distinction of being one of the highest-taxed states, on top of having some of the highest secondary taxes like the gas tax. In fact, if you can manage to drive through Illinois without getting gas here, get it in Iowa or be prepared to see a jump in price as you cross the Mississippi. States around us are all lower in taxes and in overall taxes, Illinois is in the top 20 highest taxes for income, property, sales, and other special extra taxes that make you wonder how they tax you twice and get away with it.

It's no wonder Illinois's population continues to shrink every year!

Fire Season

One of the newer seasons to come around, like the rest of the world, is fire season. As the rains don't come as much as they once did, just thirty years ago, and temperatures around the globe are on the rise from global warming and create droughts each year, forest fires and wildfires become more frequent occurrences. The droughts have left the grasses and forest areas so dry at times a flicked cigarette can ruin air quality for months.

Summer

Who doesn't love Summer? Trips to the river, hanging in the pools, barbeques, and bass fishing. Summertime is a favorite time of the year for millions of kids and adults alike. That is until it gets so hot that swimming pools feel like bathwater, the oceans are over 100 degrees, and heatwaves are killing people.

Hells Porch

The whole country has been standing on Hell's porch for the past couple of weeks. The summer heat has cooked the country and cost the lives of people unfortunate enough not to have air conditioning. Records for longest stretches of triple-digit weather have been broken all over the country while Illinois roasted like a chicken the last week of July. All of that went on as smoke from the Canadian wildfires was visible in the air as far south as the southern tip of the state. Hell, this year has been so hellish that people have woken to their phones as alerts about dangerous air quality went wide.

Faked Out Season

Come to Illinois during the last week in August or the first week in September and you might want to throw on a sweatshirt. Don't do it. It's mother nature's way of keeping you guessing and people with pools might still be cooling off in mid-September. Even though it cools, there is what we call Indian Summer, and it can roll in with 80 and 90-degree temperatures in October just before surprise snow hits a week later.

Actual Fall

The leaves are changing, the weather's getting colder, and sweatshirts are the fashion of the day. Football season is upon us, and bonfires are the new weekend entertainment. It's a reason to celebrate for several reasons.

Freezing Your Butts Off Season

Rest assured, global warming hasn't stopped people from freezing their butts off and Illinois is the perfect place to long for the heat and fires of the summer. Sub-zero, negative 20, winds blowing, and snow falling. Who doesn't love an icy rain, or cold so intense your skin hurts?