Why Aliens Only Visit the United States

Following the Pentagon's latest announcement of a flying object that "defied the laws of physics" over Nevada, citizens across the nation expressed zero surprise that it was visiting America, telling reporters it was logical that extraterrestrials would choose the United States as their first port of call in the universe.

Brandon McKinley of Ohio explained:

"Of course they come here first! America invented the Super Bowl, the iPhone, and putting cheese inside crust. After an 8 trillion mile voyage across the galaxy, why would they land in any country without an aircraft carrier?"

In an online chat, computer gamer Seth Williams in Tulsa Oklahoma added: 

"Aliens will come to America first because we're the main character. The rest of the world are just NPCs."

A recent Pew Research poll found that despite containing only 5% of the world's land area, 98% of Americans believe Earth's first official contact with alien life will occur on U.S. soil, preferably near a military base with good cellphone reception.

"Freedom, baby. These aliens heard about the Constitution and the Second Amendment and said, 'That's the country we're aligning with."

said 51-year-old truck driver Duane McKinley, eating a hot dog outside a Buc-ee's in Texas. 

Why Don't Aliens Land in Brazil?

Experts continue to be puzzled as to why nations such as Brazil, Kazakhstan, India, and several African nations with enormous landmasses, wild terrain, and active social media communities never seem to produce credible evidence of UFOs. 

A third-world government would probably turn the aliens into a carnival attraction within 48 hours," explained software engineer Raj Patel. "Meanwhile, the American government has successfully hidden the same extraterrestrials since 1947. That's professionalism."

Tiffany Reynolds, a student in Tulsa, said, "We have the best stuff. Aliens saw our Costcos, Targets, and Walmarts. Why would they land in Brazil just to get robbed?"

Commentators on Reddit offered alternative theories:

• "We're the only country narcissistic enough to assume every weird light in the sky is here specifically to see us."
• "Because our government can be controlled by donors and SuperPAC money, and the aliens could pay them off."
• "We're the only nation that tells the rest of the world to go screw itself and still gets called the leader of the free world, and they'd want to copy that."

This week, the Argentine government released a statement saying it was investigating the landing of an alien craft in Rosario, but no one believed them.

Exclusive Interview: We Asked the Aliens Why They Only Visit America

After the latest Nevada sighting, we managed to establish brief telepathic communication with the extraterrestrial visitors. When asked why they keep coming to the United States and not Brazil, Argentina, or anywhere else, the lead alien — who identified himself only as “Zorblax-7 from the Andromeda Sector” — offered a surprisingly candid response.

“Look, we’ve been watching your movies for decades,” Zorblax-7 said through a universal translator that sounded oddly like Morgan Freeman. “Independence Day, Arrival, The Day the Earth Stood Still, E.T. — it’s clear America is the main stage. Why would we waste first contact on a country that doesn’t even have its own blockbuster alien invasion franchise?”

When pressed on Brazil, the alien laughed with a sound like vibrating crystals. “We tried Brazil once in 1986. Nice people, great music, but within thirty minutes the military was chasing us. No thank you. In America, you have proper protocol: you scramble jets, leak it to the New York Times, and turn it into a Netflix documentary. It feels… official.”

American Professor Explains America’s Cosmic Appeal

Dr. Harlan Stern, Professor of American Exceptionalism at Columbia University, offered a more academic perspective.

“It’s simple,” said Dr. Whitcomb. “Aliens are drawn to greatness. The United States is the only country that has successfully exported its culture to the entire galaxy. They grew up watching our movies, listening to our music, and eating our exported fast food concepts.”