We should read about painful ways to die

Having a child has been one of the greatest things I’ve done.

No, it’s not what you’re thinking, it’s not about the whole being able to provide for someone or helping guide them through life, or any of that “feel good” stuff.

Nope! Having my daughter has been a radical exercise in learning about how sassy someone can be from a young age, and their ability to keep you grounded. Please allow me to run you through some of the highlights of the last seven years.

Feedback on stories

I was driving in the car with my daughter a few weeks back. She asked me how I came to be living in the city I’m living in since it’s so far from home. I gave some backstory on my life up to that point, and then I said, “Then I moved here”.

My daughter then queried, “And then you met Mom?”

To which I replied, “Yes”.

Her interest grew, and she said, “And then you got married?”

I thought it was probably best to leave out any mention of the seven years that my wife and I dated before we got married, so I said, “Yes”.

Then came another follow-up question, “And then you had me?”

I smiled, and answered, “Yes”.

Without hesitation, she shot back, in the most sarcastic tone possible, “Finally, you get to the part of the story that’s interesting”.

I guess I need to learn to cut out the less interesting aspects of the story.

I need to work harder to teach my daughter what I do for a living.

At dinner one night, my daughter posed the following question, “Dad, do you go out every day looking for honey to steal?”

My wife and I had a little chuckle, and then I answered, “No honey, that’s a bear! Do you think your dad is a bear?”

Her response, so matter-of-factly as she shrugged her shoulders was, “I don’t know”.

Grief counselling

On the afternoon that my dad died, I was a bit of a mess. I’d gotten the call from Mom out of the blue, and then spent the rest of the time trying to organise flights home and calling people. As we sat down to eat I thought I should try to make sure my daughter understood what was happening.

I said, “So kiddo, Dad is going to have to go away for a couple of weeks”.

She nodded, threw her hands up in the air in a sign of victory, and shouted, “YES!”

I was a bit taken aback, as was my wife, so she tried to encourage some empathy, “Look, Dad’s pretty upset because granddad died today”.

My daughter nodded her head to indicate she understood that, and responded, “Yeah, I know Mom. But we can have a sleepover. Do you want to sleep in my bed, or do you want me to sleep in your bed?”

At that time, it was the perfect thing to hear. Way to go kid, make sure Dad knows it’s not all about him.

You want to read what?

There are occasions where I’ve found it’s best not to ask follow-up questions. This was one of those occasions.

At the dinner table again, and mid-way through a delicious meal, my daughter says, “You know what would be a really good book to read?”

Now we had been excited that my daughter had been embracing reading a lot more, so we were going to encourage this with a follow-up question. I responded, “What’s that?”

Her answer was, “Really painful ways to die”.

I won’t be looking for that title at the local bookshop; I WILL, however, be locking my bedroom door a lot more at nighttime.

The best defence against Grandma

My mom is a hard woman. She’s made a name for herself cutting people down to size. I still have friends who remember insults she levelled at them when we were in school.

But in my daughter, my mom has met her match.

One day Mom was here and she was playing a board game with my daughter (once again I feel the need to remind you, she is seven years old).

Mom asked my daughter something, and when my daughter answered Mom asked her to repeat it because she didn’t hear her.

Deadpan, in the eye, my daughter responds, “Yep, old age will do that to you!”

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Thanks for reading. Please like, comment, or even tip. I will need it to pay for therapy. Not for my daughter, but for me, because once she hits her teens and has all that angst in her can you imagine how cutting her comments will be then?