Watching You Fall

I am so sorry you fell. Really, I am. I have played that moment back in my mind, over and over, for the past thirty years.

I’m just so glad you weren't hurt.

Well, at least not physically.

I guess you probably wounded your pride a great deal, falling like that, in front of our entire Sunday School Class, including the boy you had a crush on. That must have been terrible.

It could not have helped that everyone laughed, including me. I do feel really bad about that.

But, I mean, can you blame us, really?

There you were, trying to hold your dress over your legs, sprawled out on the ground with the folding chair collapsed beneath you. That partition wall behind you had been shoved two feet into the next classroom…

I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to giggle just now. I just remembered your sister asking us if we knew what happened after class. To think, you knocked three people out of their chairs in the next room.

Sorry, I chuckled again.

I didn't want to laugh at you today.

I really wanted to apologize.

A good friend would have at least helped you get up. But I just sat there, giggling like everyone else.

If only you had seen the look on your face!

I wish I had a video. Not to show anyone else, of course. Just so you and I could laugh at it, together. Because I'm certain you would laugh, too. It would be impossible to not laugh.

There you were, trying to untangle yourself from the chair, attempting to gracefully roll onto your knees, without letting that short little baby doll dress you were wearing hike up too high. Your face was redder than a baboon's butt. No one bothered to help you. We were all cackling too hard, even our Sunday School Teacher.

Then someone on the other side started pushing back against that partition wall so it smacked you in the head and we all just roared harder.

I am pretty sure at that point you were laughing, too. Probably out of embarrassment. But still, you were definitely laughing.

Regardless, I do feel really bad that I just laughed with everyone else.

Because, the part I feel the worst about, why I came here today to apologize, isn't that I laughed while you were rolling around awkwardly on the church floor. No, I feel the worst about what happened before you fell.

You remember, don't you?

We were sitting next to each other. Like every other 14 year old in the class, we weren't really paying attention to the lesson. Both of us had our chairs tilted, balancing on their back legs. Then suddenly your eyes went wide and your hands shot down to hold the hem of your dress against your thighs.

You knew you were falling.

I knew you were falling.

As you lost your balance, the chair pushed against the partition wall, and then, everything moved in slow motion. I don't mean that I remember it in slow motion. I mean that as the chair fell against that heavy partition wall, it slowed down, cradled just enough that it moved at a snail's pace. But still, you couldn't do anything to stop the fall without risking flashing the entire class. So you looked over at me, brown eyes bulging in terror, pleading for help, your face cherry red with embarrassment.

And what did I do?

I just laughed at you and let you fall.

I could have reached over with one hand and pushed down the seat of your chair. I could have saved you. I could have, but I didn't. I just watched you fall and howled so hard I almost peed my pants.

I laughed while you looked to me, your best friend, for help. I laughed while you helplessly fell backward. I laughed while you awkwardly tried to get up. I laughed when we found out you knocked over three people on the other side.

And, I definitely still laugh every time I think about it.

I tell that story to my Primary kids when they lean back on their chairs in church. And I laugh.

I tell that story to my kindergarten class when someone gets embarrassed. And I laugh.

I tell that story to my husband and my children, over and over. And I laugh every time.

I'm trying to apologize for letting you fall.

But, again, I'm laughing.

Because the truth is, I'm not really sorry.

Watching you fall was hilarious and if I had to do it over again, I'd still let you fall. And I'd laugh.

Author's Note: This apology is based on actual events from my awkward teenage years. The name of my unapologetic best friend, who let me fall, has been omitted to protect her from retaliation by those who love me. Not that any of them would do anything to her, they would also be too busy laughing at me. Then everyone would take turns sharing all my other embarrassing moments. One would chortle over the time I ran into the open door, in front of the boy I had a crush on. Another would snicker about the time my forehead got impaled by a tree branch during a cross country meet, in front of the boy I had a crush on. Eventually someone would bring up the time the strap of my revealing dress broke at the Homecoming Dance, in front of the boy who had a crush on me. Then the really embarrassing stories would come out. But those are a tale for another day.