Tongue In Groove

TONGUE IN GROOVE

A STAND UP COMEDY ROUTINE

BY: ANDREW C. MCDONALD

Hey folks. I’m Andrew McDonald and I’m from Palm Bay. Ever heard of it? Central Florida on the East coast. Most people hear what they think you said so they pore the maps until they find Palm Beach. Well, never mind – less tourists cluttering up my town then. Still, as far as Palm Bay goes I’m here to tell you – I’ve looked around and sure enough there’s Palms all over the damn place – after all, it’s in Florida. But where the hell is the Bay? There’s a river – that’s easy to find by the smell CAUSE THAT THING STINKS, especially in the summer – but I haven’t found the bay yet. …

At least Palm Bay has politicians that are more honest than most – hence their slogan: “A perfect place to grow.” Judging by the evening news broadcasts and arrests reports that’s the damn truth: Palm Bay really is the perfect place to grow. Their cops are busting grow houses at the rate of five or six a month… Enough of the standard hometown quips. Let’s move right into FUN WITH PUNS.

TONGUE IN GROOVE: A woodworking term, right? Of course not! If she was working the wood the term would be BLOWJOB. Tongue in Groove is what happens prior to the real woodwork when one hopes to move onto the term COCKTAIL…

You gotta apply the “tongue in groove” to get her good and ready for the woodwork. Here’s a synonym that may clear this up a bit for those of you who are a bit dense:

“LICKETY SPLIT”. First – you SPLIT … ( hands out at chest height, palms facing outwards, slowly divide them in the air..) … then you LICKETY. Now you have “tongue in groove.”

As I understand this is a favorite term with most women. It’s definitely one of my wife’s favorite terms. It’s when we get down to the whole woodwork thing that she has issues. However, guys – FYI – If you’re good at LICKETY SPLIT then you will probably get that COCKTAIL!. Just pray it’s not a BLOODY MARY.

DRAG QUEEN. … Watch your ass, that bitch has guards. They’re like the secret service only with more obvious uniforms. Still, they protect the queen with their lives. When it comes to DRAG QUEEN, only the king gets that privilege. By the way, this term was made popular when most kings were still from the original Barbarian tribes. How did a guy become king? By being the baddest mother around! So… when the king is feeling randy he just smacks the queen upside her royal head and drags her to the woodworking shop for a cocktail. IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING!

BEAR IN MIND, where Randy is concerned – be careful. Sometimes the guy can take exception to being continually felt up – even by the king. And I’m here to tell you those palace guards are WELL ARMED … (make muscle and fist…)… They work out on a regular basis.

Occurrences like DRAG QUEEN are what eventually led to the feminist movement and have caused us to develop a more modern term designed to control the urge to DRAG QUEEN. STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS. Let me read you the legal definition:

The agreement, usually nonverbal and not always legally formalized, that occurs

between husband and wife shortly after - and occasionally before - marriage. It lays out his limitations. Following are some standard clauses (No, not Nicholas or Martha):

1. Football Limitation: 1 day per week

2. Guys Night Out Limitation: 1 night per month

3. Trash Detail Limitation: NONE. Husbands are always on trash detail dude.

4. Bikini Ogling Limitation: NEVER unless it’s the wife in the bikini

(Or you’re certain she’ll never find out)

Note: As stated, the above are standard clauses routinely included in the statute of limitations. It is left to the individual couples to add others at their discretion.

Here’s a little SUBNOTE in reference to drag queen as it relates to statute of limitations: Aside from claims made by residents of a particular New York City burrough, we don’t have regular real queens here in the U.S.A. like they do in England. George Washington made that decision. Remember him? Father of our country, popped a bunch of cherries at a young age and couldn’t even lie about it. He told Congress NO KINGS and consequently – NO QUEENS. Unfortunately, George forgot to consult with Martha first. Boy was she ticked off! After that not only did George not lie but he didn’t get laid either. Martha added a special clause in George’s Statute of Limitations to the effect that no major decisions pertaining to the organization of government will EVER be made by a man alone again – his woman is ALWAYS to be consulted. Hillary Clinton had this clause copied verbatim for Bill.

BLOW: Now there’s a multiple usage term: It deals with the BIG THREE all at the same time: SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK & ROLL!

FIRST, there’s the blowjob. Here’s a nice synonym for BLOWJOB – HOBKNOB. (**mime inserting something repeatedly into the mouth while using the tongue to puff out the cheek**) Everybody clear on that one? Okay then…

SECONDLY, there’s BLOW as in NOSE CANDY. Hey dude, got any more of that blow? I could use some nose candy. … (**Mime using razor to chop and split lines… then place finger over nostril and sharply inhale over other palm**

And THIRDLY – there’s the musical blow as in “Man that Sax player can really blow”

Of course the sax player can blow: You have to have some good lungs to be a sax player. That’s why the female sax players in the band get the most invites to the prom…

Then there’s the more innocuous terms associated with BLOW:

BLOWFISH: Who the hell came up with that idea? Not me! Goddamn, what a disgusting idea. I aint blowing no fish – hell you can barely get me to eat one even if the smell is familiar.

BLOWPOP: For those of you who believe in the old adage that “INCEST IS BEST” this one may work for you. Personally, I think if BLOWPOP is happening then Dad may be going to jail…

Any of you here like to swim? Cool! Got a pool at home? Here’s a term you may be familiar with then – POOL CUE. The POOL CUE is usually something along the lines of “Last one in is a rotten egg” ... followed by a splash. If you’re lucky the POOL CUE can lead to POOL BALL. Some think this takes 15 BALLS… Nope! IT ONLY TAKES TWO BALLS AND A WET WOMAN TO POOL BALL. However; this one you have to be careful with. If you get too far into the deep end someone may drown.

I know, I know: Despite most guys bragging you think only someone built like Long Dong Silver or a stallion can get “TOO FAR INTO THE DEEP END”. It don’t matter. Whenever I try to get it into the end she rolls over and insists on the MISSIONARY POSITION.

(** act this one out as it goes**)…

Last time my woman said to stick with the missionary position I got down on my knees, put my palms together, raised them to chin height, looked toward heaven with imploring eyes and said “Please LORD… Won’t you convince her to try another position?”

She taught me another position then all right. Flat on my back wondering what in the hell had hit me. When I got up I checked to see if I was still a PARANOID (**check waistband**). Yep! Both the boys are still there.

OFFSHOOT. Offshoot is what happens when a guy withdraws just prior to culmination. The offshoot then needs to be cleaned up. Take my word for it guys – USE A WARM RAG for this purpose. At this point she won’t appreciate a COLD ONE unless it has a nice head on it (**sip drink**). Beers to you.

When OFFSHOOT occurs it leads directly to SPERMWHALE. Usually they’re wailing something along the lines of “Aw SHIT! He F’ing pulled out again!”

Here’s another term known to cause SPERMWHALE – INNUENDO:

It goes like this: “Goddamn it! He took a wrong turn at Route 69 – This here’s HERSHEY PARK not WET AND WILD.”

MINUTEMAN: Buddy, if a minute’s all you’re good for you’ve got other issues to deal with. Any of you ladies here have a partner who’s a MINUTEMAN? Come on now, be honest. There’s gotta be a few WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA'AM types here.

Guys – a little advice: If you’re a MINUTEMAN you best be GODDAMN GOOD at LICKETY SPLIT AND TONGUE IN GROOVE or your woman’s gonna go do her WOODWORKING somewhere else. Then you’re gonna have to become familiar with another term - SELF LOVE (** hand gesture for masturbation**)

Another way to get your woman to stick around is if you happen to be a LONGSHOREMAN. I know pretty much all guys claim to be a LONGSHOREMAN – That’s why women can’t use a ruler properly. Guys keep telling them THEY NEED A YARDSTICK TO MEASURE AN INCHWORM. (**pull yardstick and bait worm**)

Guys – face it, bragging rights aside, most of us are average sized and some are actually

SHORTSHOREMAN. Not a word? Who gives damn – I’m sure you get the idea. Now guys – be honest: A standard twelve inch ruler is plenty long enough to show your woman how to measure properly. (** pick up ruler and hold horizontally out in front of crotch… Use other hand to mime a length… bring empty hand up in front of face with thumb and index finger spread apart**) (**wave ruler and say..**) Face it, if you can’t measure it on this here your woman better be a cross between The GRAND CANYON and DEEP THROAT.

Now, if you’re really a shortshoreman you may occasionally hear the term DICHOTOMY. As in “Honey is your DICHOTOMY yet?” … “No, it’s still INNUENDO.”

Any of you here got a significant other who demands OBEISANCE? ….

OBEISANCE can lead to SELF LOVE too. “Damn that woman done got OBEISANCE she popped that third kid. WHICH GROOVE AM I SUPPOSED TO TONGUE? (**mime using hands to spread and search…**)

This of course leads us to the definition of SMELTER. Which groove? (**mime sniffing while spreading with hands**)… Oh yeah! THAT’S THE ONE! I done smelter! (**hold nose and waggle tongue**)

By the way… Even you’re dealing with OBEISANCE you best remember the term HINDSIGHT. When your woman says “Honey is my butt too big?” You better

remember to answer with “HELL NO BABE! YOU ARE DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE HINDSIGHT.” And if HINDSIGHT were FORESIGHT WE’D ALL SEE MORE TITS.

BUSHWHACKER: It doesn’t usually bite so you don’t have to whack it – unless your woman happens to be into S&M in which case… Go For It! Whatever floats your boat man. But, if not, be careful about trying to be a bushwhacker because you may wake up to find you’ve become a PARAGON. The original term for PARAGON was I believe EUNUCH. JOHN BOBBETT FOUND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT THAT ONE… ONLY IT WASN’T ONLY THE PARAGON WHEN HIS WIFE WAS DONE CUTTING. You remember DICK TRACY? Square jaw, yellow hat, wristwatch radio. Well, todays younger generation has a new version of DICK TRACY – it’s an adult game dealing with a method of foreplay involving stretchable edible paper and flavored candy chalk in various colors. THIS IS A GAME JOHN BOBBETT CAN’T PLAY ANYMORE BECAUSE HE’S GOT NOTHING LEFT TO TRACE.

Any of you guys live near the ocean? Maybe a river or a lake… If so, I’m sure you’ve probably at some point taken a date from dinner and a movie to dancing … to the shore. A long walk on the beach is so romantic. Take off your shoes and walk along the edge of the water where the surf can lap softly around your toes. Put your arm around your girl and walk quietly along listening to the whisper of the water and the calls of the birds. If you’ve planned the timing right there’s a gorgeous full moon bouncing luminescent rays off the gently rolling surf. At some point you stop and put your arms around her waist, stare into her eyes, maybe use a soft touch to gently move an errant lock of hair back from her forehead… At this point you may have used a sappy line such as “All the wondrous beauty of Mother Nature can’t compare with the luminous beauty I see when I gaze into your eyes.” Come on guys.. admit it, you’ve tried this approach. Or, if you’re not given to the sappy romantic stuff maybe you say something closer to “DAMN BABE! YOU ARE SMOKIN’ HOT!” Whatever works for you man. DON’T LET HIM KID YOU LADIES! He has the same goal at this point as that of the ALLIED Troops during the Invasion of Normandy on D-Day during WWII… HE’S CONDUCTING AN AMPHIBIOUS ASSAULT WITH THE AIM OF ESTABLISHING A BEACHHEAD. Let’s face it guys. Honestly, isn’t BEACHHEAD what every guy hopes happens at the end of that romantic stroll along the shore? If you brought a blanket along you may even get some serious WOODWORK done.

If perchance your attempts to establish a beachhead happened to occur while the sun was still up – lunch, matinee, miniature golf, romantic stroll - you were then engaging in DAEWOO: The act of attempting to engage in sexual relations in the daytime. A good synonym for DAEWOO is NOONER. Dating couples at that stage of the budding relationship tend to engage in Daewoo as often as several times per week - sometimes several times per day. With married couples Daewoo occurs most often during the first five years of marriage but this is variable from couple to couple. Some couples enter a Daewoo clause in their STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS; however, in the latter years of marriage – approximately 10 years and higher – Daewoo tends to happen surreptitiously – most often at motels that charge hourly rates {sometimes even with one’s spouse}. (**waggle eyebrows**)

I remember an old monastery in Washington State … Up in the hills South of Seattle, Northeast of Portland. When the ABBOT there would try to engage in DAEWOO he tended to head to MT. ST. HELENS. Of course he got smacked in the face a few times during the attempt and in MAY 1980 ST HELEN got so pissed that she had a CATASTROPHIC ERUPTION. That’s one lady that don’t like to be mounted. Can you say FRIGID AND SNOW CAPPED? When that woman gets upset everybody feels the repercussion.

This event led the abbot, who had joined the monastery after a bad divorce, to have a little problem called EXCOMMUNICATION. Usually EXCOMMUNICATION occurs when the alimony check is overdue or it’s visitation weekend with the kids. However, the abbot’s ex wife raised such a stink she got him thrown out of the monastery for breaking his vow of silence. The quote I believe was “I was only trying to get a little piece (**waggle hips**) to enhance my tranquility.”(**praying hands with head tilted to side**) The abbot was so upset he took the STEINBECK OPTION – THE GRAPES OF WRATH. Hence we have the term ABBATOIR which means REGARDING THE CONDITION OF THE HEAD MONK AT THE MONASTERY. “The ABATTOIR slurring a bit during services. Must have been hitting the sacramental wine again.” Poor guys probably still in the bottom of that bottle.

For those of you into BIRD WATCHING we have the ever popular COCKATIEL: Which brings us around to the idea of the uses of FOOD COLORING during sex. As long as she’s willing to lick it clean I don’t care what color she turns it…

Then there’s the ever popular COCKATOO … As I recall ROBERT BLAKE had a COCKATOO in his time. You remember the old show BARETTA? Personally, I don’t care what the man did in the privacy of his own bedroom – if he wanted to have a COCKATOO - or even three or four - that’s his business. I still liked the tv show. Besides isn’t COCKATOO a female’s idea of a MÉNAGE A TRIOS? Unfortunately for the women heterosexual guys tend to object vehemently to dealing with COCKATOO. They love the idea of two women at once but… Well, perhaps this one lends itself better to BISEXUALS.

Speaking of which, who here knows what a METROSEXUAL is? I looked it up. Here’s the official definition: (** pick up index card with definition**) A heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males. Hell, wouldn’t that be the (**mime quote marks with fingers**) POLITICALLY CORRECT term for what we used to call an EFFEMINATE WIMP? By the way… look at that definition again. It contains its own BUILT IN STEREOTYPE. Do all homosexual males have a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style? I’ve known a few gay guys in my time and the only true difference I find is that when it comes to choosing a sexual partner they go with the TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE theory and that leaves THE FAIRER SEX out of the equation.

Speaking of FAIRER SEX: That’s what occurs when women buy into another old adage – that being that ‘WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER.’ As in “I told Suzie that if she expected me to continue using the tongue in groove we were gonna have to start fostering some FAIRER SEX.” That’s when she introduced me to her own version of THE GRAPES OF WRATH, the HARVEY WALLBANGER: For those of you who wanted to be a policeman when you grew up this is your opportunity to use the line UP AGAINST THE WALL AND SPREAD ‘EM. At that point you get to become HARVEY WALLBANGER. Now folks – a little message FOR THE SAKE OF SAFETY, PLEASE ENSURE YOU USE A STURDY INDOOR WALL WHEN ENGAGING IN THIS PRACTICE. My cousin and his wife were visiting a few years ago and were doing their HARVEY WALLBANGER imitation in the shower. Since the repetitive banging noise was a little obtrusive I decided to head outside for a little bit and set up for the horseshoe game we had planned. Unfortunately when Harvey Banged a little too hard they broke right through the wall and tumbled stark ass into the yard outside. I was just tossing a practice shot when they landed (**mime the reach back and toss**) – I ALMOST GOT A RINGER BUT ENDED UP WITH JUST A LEANER. Cousin Harvey still has the mark on his thigh. By the way – this is also not a good idea for people who live in glass houses.

Just one last thing folks: Ever heard of a WALKIE TALKIE? IT’S ACTUALLY A MULTI – TASKING COURSE FOR BLONDES. Sorry, had to get in the OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE.

GOOD NIGHT FOLKS!! IT’S BEEN GREAT!!