The Christmas Party

Dear Susan;

First of all, I have to say it feels SUPER WEIRD to send this to you as an actual typed, formal letter rather than a text. Obviously I've left it on your porch instead of mailing it because that would be ridiculous (who MAILS things anymore? So old school!) So IDK, maybe it’s a note and not a LETTER, but the point is that I wanted to make sure to be super professional about this since you're my boss and since my dad says texting “isn’t professional.”

Anyway. I'd like to apologize for staying so late at the team Christmas party at your house last night. I know I should have left when everyone else did, but all that wine hit me super hard and I totally lost all track of time. You know how it is, right? (I mean, I SAW your wine cellar and all. Damn, Susan, seriously fire!)

Speaking of wine, I hope the stain comes out of your mink coat. That part wasn't my fault. I mean, sure -- I was the one who saw your bedroom door was open when the boys and I were checking out the upstairs, but it was Josh who thought it would be funny to take pictures of Zach like he was having sex with your coat. (You know like those old-timey pictures from like the 70s and 80s of people on bear skin rugs? So ridiculous.)

Anyway, when we opened your closet we were totally shocked to see a mink coat in there. Who even HAS those? I know you probably got it from your grandma or something, and I know your generation thinks that somehow that makes it okay because it's “vintage” and all, but seriously how do you just have a murdered animal hanging in your closet? Like that’s all normal or something. That poor mink gave its life just to be your coat, Susan. (TBH I’m still lowkey upset, but I think I’d be okay to talk to you about why it's wrong sometime soon if you'd like to learn about it. LMK)

Anyway, Josh was trying to be extra charming and funny last night because yesterday morning before he left my place I told him it was over between us and he didn't take it very well. It's not like it was ever super serious, mostly just drunk messing around after happy hours, so I was suprised by how hurt he seemed. (He was actually kind of a dick about it, but whatever, it’s fine.) But since I know the office rules say “no dating” and especially because I've applied for the Team Lead role I decided I needed to be super professional and end things. (Could you EVEN imagine if I end up supervising him and we are still hooking up? So wrong, right?)

Amyway, we were in your closet and saw the mink and Josh (trying to suck up to me and make me laugh) goes "hey Zach, you should throw that nasty thing on the bed and have your way with it," and so that's how that happened. We were all laughing and being stupid, so I'm not sure which guy spilled wine on the bed and your coat but I'm sure it will come out. (Josh and Zach seriously wanted to try and WASH the coat in your bathtub, but I stopped them. Men are so stupid sometimes, OMG.) BTW, I have the BEST drycleaner ever so let me know if you need a recommendation.

And don't worry -- in the pictures it looks like Zach is fully naked but that was all my killer photo skills. I've gotten really good with posing and angles since I started my Only Fans account. (No worries — it's all on the up and up, nothing super kinky and I never, ever show my face. I care about my career with the company, Susan, I really do, and how weird would it be if I was ever out on a sales call and a client recognized me from my OF? Awkward.) And I promise to not share any “Zach humping your mink” snaps with anyone at the office; they are legit safe on my phone.

About the stain, I know when you announced the party in our team meeting last month you said "no red wine" because of your white furniture and all, but white wine just isn't festive, Susan. (And let's be honest: the start of the pary was lowkey dull.) So when I was checking out your wine cellar and saw your collection of French pinot noirs I knew I could get everyone going by sneaking a couple bottles upstairs. I seriously had no idea it would end up spilled all over your bed. (BTW — you have GREAT taste in wine. Maybe if I get the Team Lead role we can have our weekly one-on-ones at your house with some vino? I'd love to try some of the other bottles I saw in the cellar. Just a thought, LMK.)

On that note, I'm so glad Tina and I were able to get the red wine spill out of your living room couch before you saw it! Tina is so smart to always carry that "wine-away" spray in her purse. Last night isn't the first time my girl has kept me out of trouble! (BTW you really should have moved the furniture out of the way before the party; when the group all gets together after work and has a few drinks the dancing is always fire! Just a helpful FYI for next time, Susan.)

Also, you should know that Tina feels super, super bad about flashing your husband her boobs. She was just really into the music and forgot where she was for a minute, you know? And some of that really is my fault -- I brought leftover jello-shots from a party at my house the night before and a few of us did them in your driveway before we came inside. (I really should have cut her off at three.) She is totally harmless — she just gets overly flirty when she's drunk, and your husband is SUPER handsome for his age. You must have been a total baddie when you were younger to snag that one, well done girlfriend!

Anway, Josh kept pouring me wine like he was hoping I'd get drunk and go home with him (which soooo wasn't going to happen,) so obviously I was a little drunk. And then after dessert (OMG soooo good, you should totally bring that to the next team meeting) I went to find the bathroom and Josh and Rebecca were going at it in there. I wasn't really mad, just kinda sad for him that he would embarss himself that way since Rebecca has been after him for months and he wasn't ever interested. (And how super unprofessional for them to be getting it on at their boss's house? Seriously, at least lock the door.) But it's whatever. And don't worry -- even if they start dating it's okay because she's apparently quiting next week and then having all of Christmas off before starting her new job.

After that awkward scene I decided I needed more wine to cheer myself up (you should really keep some bottles upstairs, Susan, so much more convenient for parties) so I went back to the basement and that's where I met Eric. You didn't tell me he was home on break! At first I was worried someone had crashed your party becasue I totally didn't recognize him from the pictures in your office. Someone turned into a hottie at college! (But I mean of course he did, he looks just like his dad, lucky guy.)

So then he was all polite and helped me pick another bottle and then we just hung out in the basement, talking and drinking and laughing (OMG he’s soooo funny, Susan!) We totally lost track of time, and then we realized it was quiet upstairs and the party was probably over. So I felt bad staying so late and we didn't want to wake anyone up so we went into his room to talk more. He's so smart and so mature for 20! I mean I'm only 25 but guys just weren't that ADULT yet when I was in college, you know? Anyway, we drank a second bottle and he smoked a little pot (don’t worry, I didn’t, Susan, because I heard there can be drug testing as part of the promotion process?) and by then I didn't think I should drive home and so he was nice and invited me to crash in his room. Don't get the wrong idea -- nothing happened, just a little making out. You raised a total gentleman, Susan. (And I would NEVER. I mean, how weird would that be if I slept with my boss's son? Super unprofessional.)

Anyway, I never mean to overstay my welcome because that’s super rude and I'm so sorry I spent the night when everyone else left at an appropriate time. I'm sure it was weird to see me leaving the basement this morning. I tried to be super quiet since I saw you were on the phone and all, which is also why I just waved when you saw me. Sorry if it was rude to leave so quickly but I had a bad headache and wanted to leave before Eric woke up and saw me looking such a mess. Plus I couldn’t find my bra and didn’t want seeing me that way to be awkward for you. (If you find it, can you bring it to work? Just please be discrete, Susan. Maybe put it in a nice bag so no one sees? Thanks!) Here's Eric’s t-shirt too, by the way. So sweet of him to let me sleep in that last night!

Oh, he didn't ask me, but it's totally okay for you to give Eric my phone number if he asks you. Just as friends, of course. He's way too young for me plus the long distance while he’s at school and you being my boss...it just wouldn't work. (And even though he’s super mature for his age I need to focus on my career right now and it wouldn’t look right for me to be dating a college kid, you know?)

I'm also sorry to be leaving this on your porch on a Sunday, but I wanted to be sure to apologize now and get it out of the way before my performance review tomorrow (don’t need any elephants in the room, right?) Also, is there any way we can move that to earlier in the day? I was hoping to leave the office a couple of hours early — I have a friend's birthday party tomorrow night and I want to try to catch a quick nap -- I didn't sleep well last night and I need to look fire in case her hottie brother shows (I hope you can sneak in a nap today too, no disrespect but you looked super tired this morning, Susan.)

Thanks again for a great party and I hope the cleanup isn't too bad!

Best regards,

Ainsley