Nose Soap

This story was originally published on Medium, and then here on Vocal as an Exclusive Story, but is now being posted as NOT an Exclusive Story.

The hot water was spraying onto Avery’s back from the showerhead. He stood completely still, just waiting. This was weird. This was so awkward. He stared at the bottles of body wash that lined the edge of the tub. All so foreign. All these fancy bottles, all these different colored labels. Where was Avery’s tried and true blue body wash?

In the trash. That’s where.

It was replaced… not with just one bottle… but with an army of bottles. Sandra had told Avery he needed to step out of the past. She told him that he needed to stop using his immature body wash. It was good enough for him in college. Apparently not anymore. Apparently… now that Avery was an adult… he needed a repertoire of body washes. One body wash was not good enough for his entire body. Strange. The name was body wash. How could that be so?

Avery waited in his own shower… increasingly more aware that he stood there… completely naked… doing nothing... just waiting. It was weird to stand still while naked for so long, there being absolutely no activity happening. It was as if he was posing nude for an art class. There was no art class, though. There was just an empty shower and an empty bathroom.

The bathroom door opened. Sandra finally entered. She pulled the curtain open slightly.

She didn’t live here. They had only been dating a couple of months. But Sandra was about to give Avery instructions on how to wash himself. Avery was told… he wasn’t doing it right.

“So, this one in the brown bottle… that’s for your face only,” Sandra explained.

“I can’t use it anywhere else? Only my face?” Avery asked.

“No! Only your face!”

“So, it’s good for my face?”

“Yes, of course.”

“So, then it’s not like it would be bad for the rest of my body. Why can’t I use it elsewhere?”

“Because, it was formulated only for your face!” Sandra shouted louder, allowing her point to come down harder.

“OK, so my entire face, nothing more.”

“Well, no, wait, hold on.” Sandra held up her index finger. “The green bottle, use on your nose.”

“But the brown is for my face. My nose is part of my face.”

“Brown is for your entire face except for your nose. The green is for your nose. It will help with those pores.”

“It’s a nose soap.” Avery was appalled. “I never heard of such a thing.”

“Now, your feet need some extra help,” Sandra continued.

“They do?”

“Yeah, have you not smelled your own feet?”

“Have you?”

“The orange soap is for your feet. It will really help to scrub your feet.”

“But I’m the one who scrubs my feet.”

“The soap will help scrub your feet even more.”

“I think my feet can only be scrubbed more if I scrub them more. Scrubbing is a verb. The soap… a noun. How can a noun help to verb my feet anymore?”

“Avery.”

“OK.”

Avery realized the hot water was still spraying on him. He was still standing here naked… awkwardly… being explained how to use soap. This was humiliating. But once he got the instructions for some new task, he'd be all set. He was a fast learner. He just needed Sandra to expel the instructions on how to wash his own body once… and he’d be golden the rest of the time.

Avery glanced back down at himself... just checking. This wasn't an arousing situation, but if he was naked, and there was a woman present, well, there was about a 90% chance it would become arousing. This wasn't. And he was showing no signs of that, yet. It was just him, his back wet, his front dry, Sandra rifling through the army of bottles of cleaning fluid.

“Now, this purple bottle...” Sandra continued. “That is a very hydrating and refreshing and minty soap. This is your body wash for the rest of your body.”

“Got it. So, the purple bottle covers everywhere else.”

“Well, don’t use it on your dick… or your balls,” Sandra warned. “It’s minty. Too minty. It’s not recommended on the genitals… it does not feel good on that sensitive skin. So… avoid that.”

Avery stood there. Silent.

“OK. That’s it!” Sandra was about to close the curtain.

“Wait!” Avery clutched the curtain. He thought for a moment. “Brown bottle for my face… green bottle for my nose… orange bottle for my feet… purple bottle for the rest of my body except for my dick… so which one is the dick soap?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sandra frowned. “There’s no such thing as dick soap.”

“Well, there has to be. Or there has to be a soap for me to use on my dick.”

“Avery, there's no dick soap.”

“But you just told me all these different soaps to use for my face, my nose, my feet, my body… everywhere except my dick. You have not explained which soap I'd use on my dick. I have to use something. Which one would I use?”

“Oh my God, Avery.” Sandra sighed. “I can’t explain everything to you.”

“But that’s exactly what you were doing!” Avery insisted. “You were dead set on explaining everything to me! You were explaining every soap to use on every part of my body and you left out my dick. I have to wash it with something!”

“Avery, you have to figure out these things for yourself.” Sandra was annoyed. “You can figure out how to wash your dick all on your own!”

“I think you made a mistake and now you won’t admit it. You forgot the dick soap.”

“There is no dick soap.”

“There has to be a dick soap.”

“That’s it!” Sandra shut the curtain. “I’m done with this!”

Avery could hear her stomping out of the bathroom.

“I’m going to use the nose soap on my dick!” Avery yelled out.

Sandra’s pounding footsteps receded. The hot water continued to blast onto Avery’s back. Avery stared at the green bottle of nose soap.

“But I’m using it on my nose first!”