Message to Myself

I'm so sorry I embarrass us. In elementary school, embarrassment introduces itself for the first time in 5th grade. While walking backwards talking to friends wearing favorite gray, striped full skirt with the red sash. Our friend pointed to something behind us, but failing to listen or understand causes a trip with our skirt covering chest. Laying there with split legs and underwear showing for anyone in the hall to see. Then, looking up to realize the cause of the fall. A classmate, a boy that conveniently had to tie his shoe, laughs and quickly runs away while I wrestle with pulling skirt down, face red with embarrassment. Sadly, this would be the first of many such visits by this newly discovered emotion called embarrassment.

Like the time wearing that wrap around denim skirt, and it had unknowingly untied while walking home from school in 6th grade. As the school bus passed not understanding why all the kids were pointing, staring and laughing. Looking myself over, knowing there was reason for so much attention. Since it wasn't a normal occurrence, to draw the interest of every rider on the bus. Only to find us in our underwear, at some point walking completely out of skirt. Searching behind us within immediate area produced no skirt, yet not even halfway I have to make a choice if I should just sprint home in underwear hoping to beat any other traffic or return the way I came not knowing how far back in hopes of finding skirt. Deeming more appropriate to run back instead of allowing the whole neighborhood to see lack of outerwear. Skirt lay in a heap was discovered several yards back. Running with haste before anyone else passes, to retrieve skirt and wrap around one last time. Since I had decided I would never embarrass us with THAT skirt again. Finally arriving home, it was discarded immediately, just as I promised us.

Yet another time in 6th grade, the teacher stepped from classroom, and an empty desk separated me from another girl. she said put your hair between the two desks. I did so gullibly and suddenly she pushed empty desk tightly against mine trapping us by own hair. Which wasn't too bad at first except she wouldn't release it, laughing so hard against our struggles. Finally, teacher was reentered classroom earning release. Staying trapped the duration of her bathroom visit, but not wanting to yell out, since that would be even more embarrassing, to make the rest of class aware of my stupidity.

Then another time in 7th grade while running through apartment unaware floor was wet. Only to slide down in directly in front of crush. He stood up to walk away while bursting out laughing. He wasn't able to contain his laughter at our expense.

Again, embarrassment would return in 8th grade as I was eating saltines and friends said something so funny, laughing so hard crumbs flew all over friends. Everyone was so disgusted and upset, they left to clean crumbs from themselves. While we sat alone with the scattered crumbs and empty chairs.

I'm so sorry, had I not introduced us to Embarrassment, it may not have followed us through the rest of our years. Not knowing it would be a forever fiend always lurking, ready to pounce on us should we have a misstep. I would have ran away had I known it would be a boomerang for the duration of our life. Showing itself sporadically to remind us of its existence and always potentially so close. Some would claim, this message to myself, is in itself, the dreaded emotion I speak of...embarrassment.