I'm a Kennedy Cousin

😜 Make room for me in the Kennedy compound -- set an extra place at the table, Cousin Patrick, I'm on my way to Cape Cod. I married into the Kennedy clan.

My wife, Linda, is the granddaughter of a Scottish woman who had three sisters and a brother. According to my in-laws, one of them (one of the sisters I presume) married a Scotsman with the last name "Kennedy". That means that there's a whole portion of my in-law clan (or is it clan-in-law?) named Kennedy.

That makes me a Kennedy...

... well, a Kennedy cousin...

...in-law.

I always believed that Kennedy was an Irish name. Turns out that Kennedy was a Scottish name first. In the distant past, a whole batch of Kennedys got tired of chasing Scottish sheep up and down the Scottish hillsides while drinking Scotch Whiskey and decided that they'd prefer to chase Irish sheep up and down Irish hillsides while drinking Irish whisky.

I'm sure that it causes all sorts of internal conflict when Dublin plays against Glasgow, but Patriots fans know the same conflict when Tom Brady and Gronk moved to... Florida?

Anyway, back to the Kennedys. That means, of course, that the present-day Scotts Kennedys are distant cousins to the Irish Kennedys. But distant cousins are still cousins, right?

My foray into politics is about to have a great boost! I see a seat in congress waiting for me. I see long lines eager lobbyests (lobbyists?) waiting to be my best friends and campaign contributors. I see my own key to the congressional cafeteria. I see easy victories in each election just because of my last name.

I can hardly wait.

Woops, my last name is "Pence", sort of like a recent vice president's last name. I'll have to change it to "Pence-Kennedy". Or maybe "Kennedy-Pence".

I guess I'll need a focus group to study the question -- "Would you be more likely to vote for Paul Pence-Kennedy over Paul Kennedy-Pence in the next election? I'll probably go with Kennedy-Pence because there are bound to be a few voters don't read the whole name before they vote. "If it starts with a "K.e.n.n. I'll vote for it."

I wonder if I'll get the use of the Boston brownstone. At least I assume that they have a brownstone. Maybe they have a ski lodge somewhere.

And the family boat. I always wanted a boat. But then, maybe I'll have to rent a boat like Patrick Kennedy did -- but on the positive side, I can abandon the boat in whatever condition I feel like since I'm a Kennedy cousin.

I can enjoy a life of elitism.

I'll abuse airline security guards and fly first class when I have to use public transportation. But most of the time I'll fly on company jets, courtesy of those wonderful lobbyists. Does the Kennedy family own its own jet? Maybe I'll use it.

Hmmm... what happens if I am using the family jet and I'm taking it to New Zealand, but some other distant cousin wants it to go to Paris? There's probably some kind of pecking order here. But as an elitist, I won't have to worry about such petty things.

Bur I do wonder who pays for the gas.

Life will be great.

But I know it will get even better... My mother has been doing her own genealogy and found that one of her ancestors had the last name "Spenser".

That makes me descended from someone with the same last name as England's Princess Diana.

By my reckoning, that makes me related to royalty.

Buckingham Palace, here I come.

Did I make you laugh? Want more? Here are a few more of my humor columns on Vocal

Fortune Favors the Bold

Why Clickbait is Wonderful

Language Confusion

Waddling to Work

What, Me Volunteer?

I'm an Urban Legend

Life Under the Glide Path

I Miss My Hair

I'm a Kennedy Cousin

Super-Secret Diet Secrets

My Dogs Love me. Honest!

Yucky Foods!

Trapped in K-Mart

Geminis are Skeptics

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