How to Survive a Heatwave without AC

Stay indoors.

That is the obvious start. No scientist could argue with that. Indoors, you can control your environment. Up to a certain degree... see what I did there?

The first method you should employ is "The Caveman".

Don't get alarmed by its name: no raw meat or actual cave-dwelling is required.

It simply means that you try to keep everything as dark as possible during the day, and only open the windows during the night. That is, if the temperature outside ever gets lower than the one inside.

Which isn't always the case.

Like, not during this Heatwave.

Not a problem: just keep all curtains and windows and doors well shut at all times. There is enough air in your apartment for a few weeks when you live alone, science says.

And if you cannot manage to sleep, don't worry too much about it.

Skipping a single night never killed anyone.

Remember to pour a good deal of cold tap water on your head, make sure to get your hair thoroughly wet, and try the next idea: "The Self-Made AC".

Point a fan towards you. Then place a clothing rack (or a chair) with a wet towel or bed linen in front of it. Repeat until you're out of fans.

The evaporation of the water will actively cool the air that blows on you.

Try to sleep now.

Is it still too hot? Know that alcohol evaporates faster than water, so sprinkle as much alcohol as possible on those linens and try again!

You might feel slightly lightheaded, but I'm sure it's the lack of sleep more than the alcohol fumes you've been breathing in.

When you fail to sleep again, remind yourself that two days is still a perfectly acceptable sleep deprivation window. It has been tested; you don't die of it.

And if you're lucky, soon your body will shut down and forcefully sleep anyway.

You only need to survive until then.

Now, remember that caveman thing? I think I know why it failed: there was still sun trapped between the window and the curtain. You need to do something about the outside of the window too!

This one is for the bravest only: "The Yoghurt Cover".

That's right, spread a good layer of yoghurt on the outside of every window and glass surface that lets sun into your home. It's science, I swear! The fats and casein in the yoghurt will bounce away most of the light waves, and the curtains will block the rest.

And yes, maybe it will attract flies and other critters, but it's a worthy price for a good night's sleep!

What? Are you out of yoghurt?

That cannot be!

You must rush to the store and get some. But don't just go like this; you'll get a sunstroke. Quick, go to the freezer, grab some frozen veggies (peas and spinach work best), and stuff your bra and panties with them before going out.

Remember to get some extra alcohol for the towels too!

Great! Now that you're back, pour alcohol everywhere and go get to that yoghurt spreading. Hick!

What? Is it too hot to shpread yoghurt? I have the best idea! First shpread it on yourself! Hick!

Now that your shkin is covered in shun-repelling cashein, you can finish shlathering your windows and glass doorsh. Hick.

The flies? You're not drunk: they are following you everywhere. They are your new friends.

Shoots! I just remembered... it's also best to disconnect everything. All appliances produce heat, you know.

Stuff all frozen goods inside your clothes, then unplug the fridge. Don't worry about the food going to waste. It can hold there for a whole day if you don't open the door.

But if you open the door, you'll release the last of the cool air into the house. What a great idea! Do that!

Now, wet your hair again, with extra alcohol for extra evaporation, put yoghurt on the towels to protect them from the sun, and let the sofa welcome your beautiful casein-covered self, finally ready for some slumber.

Let the flies sing their friendly lullaby to you as Morpheus welcomes you into his cool embrace.

Is that police breaking down the door because the neighbors haven't seen you in days and are worried about the smell?

Nah, it's just a dream. Don't worry about it.

And if you wake up to the horrified expression of your mother and the police officers screaming "Zombie!" just set the flies loose on them.

Science says it will be all right.