How I Made, Like, A Billion Dollars from Writing in One Month

Let me tell you the story of how writing online make me stinking rich in just a few simple steps.

Read on as I magnanimously share these secrets with you, absolutely for free. ‘Free’ meaning at least until I get your email address and bombard you with spam for my $600 How to Make A Billion Dollars Online course.

But trust me, I have a gazillion followers. What’s that you say? My profile says I have hardly any? Must be a problem with the evidence of your own eyes. Have you tried turning them off and back on again?

Anyway, here they are. Give them a whirl.

Medium

First up is that sweet, sweet moolah from Medium.

I made $12.87 here in November. That’s U.S. DOLLARS, pal, not your rinky-dink foreign currency.

And its all mine. The I.R.S. doesn’t even know about it.

PRO TIP: Cheat on your taxes.

Vocal

Vocal then pays me for the exact same article. Is that kind of lazy and an impediment to my personal development as a writer? Yes. But is turning the same work into multiple income streams also my only takeaway from that one-day freelance journalism course I took from Trump University? You betcha.

It’s not much, sure, but that $1.90 counts, and I’m already in double figures for the month. That’s how double-figure incomes work, right?

If you insist on ignoring my advice and paying your taxes like some kind of beta, make it work for you. Business deductions are the good stuff. This brand new MacBook Pro wasn’t cheap but, since I’m writing this on it, I am just going to assume that it is 100% deductible. I need a place to write, so I figure my mortgage is as well. Sure, there may be some fine print in the tax code that says otherwise, but I don’t have time to read that, and neither should you.

I mean, after Donald Trump’s cuts to I.R.S. auditors, what are the odds they will even check?

So I declare my Medium and Vocal payment as my sole source of income and as soon as that rebate comes in my monthly writing income is up to $8,933.

Write about what you know

It’s the writing adage as old as time. Or at least as old as Ernest Hemingway who, if he were still alive, would indeed be very old.

Hemingway famously took part in many endeavours such as bullfighting before writing Death In The Afternoon. J.R.R. Tolkien similarly undertook extensive field research in Middle Earth before writing The Lord Of The Rings.

What I know is how to write articles about making money online and pretending to know what I’m doing.

I make a mint by publishing nothing but Medium articles on how you can make a mint through publishing on Medium.

Yes, you may be asking yourself some questions like “But why doesn’t he actually link to any of these articles in high-paying magazines that he talks about?” Or “If he’s doing so well, where does he find the time to write this one?” To which I say, "shut up, you are going to read it anyway."

Also, it’s the same article every couple of days under a different headline.

If you decide to go this route — and since 90% of online writers do, I highly recommend it — do not miss the crucial step of being a bit of as condescending about it as possible. Always make sure that there is a derisive undertone to the story that implies that the reason I am so successful is because I am a super-organised and naturally gifted genius. No-one will read your article unless it is clear that the reason succeed where they fail is because you are so much better than they are, in every way.

Basically, be a bit of an asshole. As you will agree, I nailed it.

Self-help guru online courses

As a very successful writer, I consider myself eminently qualified to tell YOU how to be more like me. I advertise these services successfully across a number of social media channels. Truth Social and Telegram, mostly, though Twitter has been showing a lot of promise lately.

You may ask yourself why someone would pay $199.99 for my opinion instead the many actually helpful free articles on the internet, complete access to Masterclass for the same price or — God forbid — and actual qualification from a university or community college. Good question.

An even better answer is to target low-information readers. They are kind of like low-information voters, except they don’t bother to vote. ‘Low-information’ may sound like an insulting and classist way to talk about human beings, but it is also the perfect description of my self-help program.

The entire course consists of a link to this article.

Deducting business-related expenses (i.e. lawsuits) I netted $20,000 for this.

Right-wing ‘think’ pieces

Speaking of Truth Social, this is a very good way to connect with the editors of some of the more niche conversation news sites.

I regularly submit long pieces on diverse topics ranging from Kanye Was Right and Can Putin Be Our New Sugar Daddy, Please? to How We Can Win The Next Election By Taking The Sensible Step Of Stripping Away The Right To Vote From All Women.

That’s $3,023 dollars worth of articles that, once seen, you will never be able to scrub from your eyeballs.

How does a privileged middle-aged, CISgendered white man get away with this? By pretending to be a Black Jewish lesbian. Right-wing media outlets, it turns out, are remarkably sloppy with their fact-checking. But I don’t need to tell you this.

Admittedly this tip is more for my bros out there. If you actually are a woman, you can still do this provided you are immune to ethics, have a healthy tolerance to self-loathing. Also factor in the financial cost of getting paid only 75 cents on the dollar, and the spiritual cost of your eternal soul.

But if Candace Owens can do it, so can you.

PRO TIP: make male impotence work for you, not against you.

Write with your financial goal in mind

You may be tempted to write on topics that are personally meaningful for you in order to contribute to the diaspora of human thought and perspectives that may incrementally lead to a more just and perfect world.

That talk is for losers.

Write something that will net you the most money for the least effort. In my case, I purchase a ticket in the U.S. Powerball and won $1,287,000,000 after the taxes that I definitely plan to avoid. Call it cheating, but I wrote my name and MasterCard number on the form and purchased the ticket online, so I’m counting it, bringing my total earrings for the month to $1,287,031,956.

In hindsight, perhaps I should have led with that.

The takeaway

So there you have it. With a little skill, even less scruples, and a 1 in 292,201,338 chance of winning the biggest lottery in the world, you too can fulfil all those dreams of becoming a successful writer from the convenience of your own basement.

Or you can do what you love and, you know, just write.

Court-ordered disclaimer: The above advice is general in nature, of dubious credibility, and likely wildly inaccurate. To know whether following the opinion of a stranger on the internet is right for you, consult an ounce of logic.