House of Ares

Dearest producers,

My name is Samuel the Lost That Was Found -otherwise known as Sam, Sammy, and the one I dislike the most, Baby Cat. I write to you about an idea: a potential comedy or horror show, you decide. Starring, not me, but my guardian, Ana Larios.

Ana is nice. But, excuse my language, stupid. Yesterday the lawyers of a will reading told her she inherited a big fortune from her father, the only good thing he's ever done for her, after he died. It was sad for her, I believe from the tears she for some reason shed for that good-for-nothing, but she ended up inheriting his entire money and big house. Amazing, right? She gets to go to university the next year, no need to worry about part-time job or the acquisition of student loans. For one glorious day, I roamed happily in a modern mansion designed to look old. Until that the pest of a family she has swarmed last night after the will reading, demanding she for some reason let them stay. It was an unelegant scene that produced chuckle out of me.

Until she opened the doors for them and dreamed about maybe finally having a family that cares, like in the movies she watches.

I expected and was okay with some people to join. There is her older brother, Ramiro, the homosexual who hates his identity not because he fears judgment but because he despises men. All he ever saw was his cheating, lying dad. The times he even saw him. There are also the other male relatives that we will unfortunately have to get into later. And then her mom, Joanna, who I just now consider normal. She just needed that epiphany I have been waiting for years for her to have that only a messy divorce last year could trigger: a rich man, especially one like her ex-husband (RIP), will not solve her problems. She is now taking night classes and trying to go for that psychology degree she always dreamed of. We love that for her.

I was okay with them. They are tolerable, and they also don't like the rest of the family that is currently transforming bedrooms into their pig pens.

This should not have happened. I got here from the ground. I was once a mere street cat that Ana saved picked up after she witnessed me getting hit by a truck and two cars. And Ramiro agreed with me, unbeknownst to me (he tends to shoo me away so that I do not contaminate his mostly dark clothes with my hair).

Turns out, Ramiro unlocked Ana's phone (she is easy to both fool and decipher) right after his father's funeral and blocked a large amount of family members he'd heard whispering about her newfound fortune. He knew what was coming. Said relatives, upon no answer after the will reading, took matters into their own hands and camped out in the yard.

See, though her relatives are peasant-like, they don't think that about themselves. In fact, they believe themselves to be quite regal. I must blame Abuelo Gabriel for that, the "head" of Ana's maternal family (her paternal family does not come into the picture, as I don't believe they even remember she exists). Once a rich, prolific figure in Florida, he lost all his money to poker and hush money to mistresses that eventually ended his career as a megachurch pastor. He was at the yard claiming God needed Ana to honor her elders and grant him a place to stay. He was tired of the apartment life and believed he deserved more. That's where the whole family gets it from. He swears they are forever blessed and walk among lesser-thans.

Then there is Abuela Clorinda, who I must say is the real head of the family. She is the one who got to work after Abuelo Gabriel lost everything. She manages a department like the military dicator she should've become, but didn't after giving up on her political career for the once-handsome Gabriel. She's always reminding Abuelo Gabriel of every reason why he was part of their demise, and I cannot blame her because I would to. Truthfully, she has some dignity, but she was at the yard because she's tired of working for men who don't think she speaks proper English and keep recording complaints because she loses her temper way too easily.

I need to sigh here, because we're now going into the tiresome Uncle Rodri and Tia Mireya. Long story short, because I do not want to spend much ink on them: Uncle Rodri runs a conspiracy theory YouTube channel with one viewer per month (thank God, or else he'd produce more foolish humans) and Tia Mireya has something to do with illegal fashion knock-offs. I do not know what exactly it is that she does but I believe she would get arrested immediately judging by her reaction whenever a cop is around. They were at the yard because their "jobs" were not paying their lavish bills (they still act as if their father was rich), and saving rent in a mansion seemed to be the destiny Abuelo Gabriel always preached about.

And then there is cousin Santiago, Uncle Rodri's son. He peaked in high school (and at thirty still acts like a 16-year-old), and believes he can become Latin America's next William Levy (that actor who started appearing in too many telenovelas just because of his looks). Santiago was abandoned by his now ex-wife after he spent their savings not in acting school or in a lucrative investment, but in a cool motorcycle for his social media account that somehow keeps growing (there might be some money there at some point).

I should mention Aunt Mireya's daughter. I actually like her. She is like Ana but smarter (not in a bookish-ly, since she gets terrible grades, but in a real-life way). And I can't blame her for being at the yard, since she is just fourteen. The entire time I knew she wished to be at home, working on the dresses she makes for her Etsy shop. She takes on the fashion sense of her mom, but in a legal way.

Now, I know most of them seem extravagantly unlikeabe. You would not be wrong. I think it's your job to give them character development and endearing qualities. I am just here to share the source material.

Before I sign off, I believe I should put in a good word for my guardian, Ana, who is not bad at all. Quite smart, quite nice, a bit too optimistic and gullible for her own good. She did get out of her car in the highway (a Florida highway) to chase my dizzy (and hissing) body after I got hit by those autombiles (I was not quite myself).

She started today preparing a vision board from magazine cutouts for her senior year of school, reminiscing on how she spent her last summer high school going to the worst icecream parlor in town just because her best friend Aparna liked the owner's son and working on her university research and scores. She was probably journaling about how she just wants to have the best senior year ever, even when grieving for a father who was never there. And I guess now she can add handling her annoying family to the list.

There you go. I would suggest streaming this on anything but Netflix. I believe their quality has gone down.

Have fun getting annoyed at the Larios.