Hot and Bothered

When Harry finally found Grete, she was sitting on a blue plastic chair in a short row of identical ones. Her head against the wall, legs stretched out in front of her, she looked peaceful.

“Oh, my God, Grete! Are you okay?”

Harry didn't share her apparent zen state. He was swaying from side to side.

Her eyes still closed, a strange one-sided grin spread across Grete's face. “I’m great! How are you?”

Harry stared at her. “Babe, you’re drooling.”

She wiped her mouth with a corner of her dress. “I still can’t feel a fucking thing with the left side of my face.”

“The dentist?”

“Yup.”

“What happened to you?”

She took so long to answer that Harry thought she'd drifted away.

“Can you feel it?” She finally opened her eyes, her gaze wandering the room.

“Feel what?”

“The air con.”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“Nothing. It’s just glorious.”

“Babe...” Harry said softly, “what exactly happened?” He sat next to her, leaving one empty chair between them.

“I went to the dentist today,” she started.

“I know, babe. That’s why I cut my day short at work to come home to you.”

“Does it look like I'm home?”

“No. Sorry… go on.”

“So I went to the dentist today. You know, to finally get that wisdom tooth pulled.

There I was, lying on that disgusting green plastic-covered chair, waiting for the three anesthetic shots to take effect. Ten minutes went by. Then twenty. Nothing. My butt was sweating so badly that I kept slipping down on the chair. It was like a fucking waterslide.

They gave me two more shots—the maximum legal amount they could give me—and fifteen minutes later I finally started feeling a little numb on my left cheek.

They told me they either had to start immediately or postpone my appointment. I’d waited six weeks for this. And they’d now drugged me. Five times. I told them to get the fucking pliers and pull. 

It hurt like a motherfucker. My jaw was a little numb, but nowhere near enough. Still, they got the tooth, cleaned me up and sent me on my way.  

And guess what? As soon as I stood up, the anesthetic finally kicked in. I couldn’t feel half of my face. Still can't. The silver lining was that I couldn’t feel the wound either.

So, it was a win, I guess.”

“Right. So the police station?” asked Harry.

Grete glanced at him in a way that didn’t allow any more words out of him. He mimed locking his mouth with a key and throwing it over his shoulder.

“I left the clinic—dizzy, hot and sticky. I’d taken an Uber there earlier, since you couldn’t drive me because of your meeting, and I’d thought it wouldn’t be totally safe for me to drive right after the dentist.

Who fucking knew that would’ve been the safest thing I’d do all day. 

Anyway…

I was trying to order an Uber when a red triangle started blinking on my phone’s screen. Apparently the phone was overheated. And it turned itself off to protect the battery and whatnot. 

I had two options: either walk the fifty minutes home or take a bus. I shuffled to the bus stop and saw that one of the buses that passed my house was coming in a few minutes.

I was saved!

Or so I thought.

The bus was empty—plenty of free seats. I could maybe even lift my feet up, I thought. I had one foot in when the warm, stifling stench hit me in the nose. Lord knows where that came from, but it explained why the bus was empty. It smelled like a week-old rotten chicken in the back alley. I backed off, gagging, and the bus took off.

My jaw was throbbing. My dress was soaked. I was burning up and I was getting a massive headache. Tears pooled up in my eyes, but I started walking home.

I staggered along the street, trying to find as much shade as possible. It was almost impossible, since it was noon and the sun was literally hanging over the top of my head.

Now, I’m not completely sure about the entire journey... It’s possible that I blacked out on the way, but suddenly I found myself in front of my house, so I dragged myself up the stairs to the fourth floor.

My suffering was about to end!

You know how I like to lay on the tiled part of the floor when I’m too hot, right? I was soo ready to peel off the soaking dress and press every centimetre of my overheated, sweat-covered body to those cool tiles.

I pulled open the door... and I was hit with a wall of heat. You know how when you’re baking something and you open the oven door to check it, you get hit with a gust of heat. It was like that.

I think the underfloor heating system had malfunctioned or something, because when I stepped on it... man... I think a layer of burnt skin from my feet is still baking away on that floor.”

“Sorry? The underfloor what? Heating?”

“Yeah, it's a heating system for when it gets cold.”

“That panel by the bathroom door is not for AC?”

“What? No. I don’t have AC in the house.”

“Fuck... But why was it hot? I set it to like thirty-something degrees. That’s like crazy-cold.”

“Wait… YOU DID THAT??”

“Yes! I thought I’d set it to fridge temperature, you know, so it’s nice and cool when you get home.”

“What the fuck? On low? You turned the underfloor heating on thirty-fucking-five degrees during the hottest week Europe has seen in this century?”

“I thought it was an air con! Thirty-five degrees is freezing!”

 “Oh my fucking god! It’s Celsius! Thirty-five degrees CELSIUS, not Fahrenheit! It’s nearly a hundred degrees Fahrenheit, you idiot”

“Fuck! I thought...”

“Yeah, I know you thought.

The floor was burning hot and my slippers weren’t thick enough, so I had to grab my platform heels to be able to fucking walk across the floor. My legs were swollen, so they barely fit. I was so done! But I was starving!

Since I’d just gotten five anesthetic shots a few hours earlier and a tooth pulled out, I was in pain and I couldn’t feel half of my face at the same time. There was no way I could’ve chewed anything. That’s when I found the jello cups in the fridge.”

“Oh, no... babe...”

“Oh, yes... BABE. See, I thought my lovely boyfriend remembered my dentist appointment and made me jello to have later, because he knew I probably couldn’t eat anything else for a while after having the tooth pulled. He’s so thoughtful. Just the best!

Imagine my surprise when, after downing like eight of them, I started feeling even more dizzy and I couldn’t walk straight anymore. I wonder whyyy?”

“Babe, they had vodka in them... They were for Jacob’s party tomorrow...”

“Yeah, I figured that out soon after. But in the midst of all that I did get a great idea. My car was parked out front. I could sit in the car and keep the AC running. I could even lower the back of the seat and just lay there. Perhaps even take a nap? It sounded like heaven. So I grabbed a tub of ice cream from the freezer, a spoon, and went to get my car keys.

But, for the life of me, I could not find them. I looked everywhere. I even dug in the laundry basket to see if I’d thrown them there with yesterday’s clothes. 

And that’s when I remembered. Last night when we came home from my mom’s, I wasn’t driving. You were. Now, babe, you wouldn’t still have my keys, would you?”

Grete asked the last question so calmly that a shiver shot down Harry’s spine. He slowly touched his front pockets through the fabric and his left hand froze there. Grete’s smile, after that, was the most terrifying thing he’d ever seen. Her face, swollen, half-paralysed, half smiling, gaze piercing through him.

“I’m so sorry, babe... It’s all my fault...”

 “Uh-huh. That’s not all, BABE. One does not get dragged to the police station for looking for their car keys in their apartment. Just in case you were wondering.”

“What did you do?”

“I’d just accidentally downed eight vodka shots on an empty stomach, and I was alrea—”

“They weren’t pure vodka…”

“Eight, Harry. EIGHT!” 

“Sorry…” 

“As I was saying, eight shots and I was already dizzy from the heat. I was in pain and so sickeningly uncomfortable from the sweat and the numbness of my face. Perhaps my judgement was clouded just a tad. Perhaps I wasn’t in the best condition to make decisions. Perhaps…

So, when I couldn’t find my car key, I grabbed the long bendy metal ruler and decided to break into my own car. I’d seen it done in the movies—they wiggle the thing in the slit where the window is, and it should do the trick. It’s hardly illegal to break into your own car, right? Turns out it’s not, but the neighbours will call the police anyway if you try to do it, barely standing up, in a sweat-soaked dress, wearing heels that should never be seen publicly before 10 p.m.

I seriously have no idea how I planned to start the car without the key, but my brain was a soft mush at that point and my philosophy was strictly 'one problem at a time.'

So, there I was, wiggling the fucking ruler in my car door with my left hand, shoving spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth with the right one. I very soon realised it wasn't, in fact, as easy as they make it seem in the movies.

I gave up. I admitted defeat and decided to go back into the boiling hot apartment. At least I could take a cold shower, you know.

Guess what? Earlier when I came out, the ruler in one hand, the ice cream in the other one, I’d forgotten to grab my house-keys. Not only did I not get into my car, but I was also locked out of the house.

There was no more fight left in me. 

I sat on the pavement in the shadow of my car, resting against it, and just broke into tears.

At least I had my ice cream, right?

Wrong! 

There was no ice left, it had turned back into just cream.

Though it was more like a chocolate chip-teardrop cocktail at that point. I ate it anyway.”

“Babe...”

“That’s when officers Nice and Nicer arrived. Apparently one of the neighbours had called the police on me and there they were. They saw the ruler in the window slit and I had to explain everything. I don’t think they believed me, but by then, I honestly didn’t give a shit anymore. They put me in the back of their patrol car and drove me here. And you know what?”

“Yeah?”

“That was the best fucking moment I’d had all day! They had the AC on! I didn’t care that the seat was dirty, or that I had this ridiculous outfit on, or that my mascara was all over my face, or that I looked like a fucking chipmunk, or what was going to happen next. I could finally breathe again. And I finally stopped feeling like a swollen tomato about to burst out of my skin. And they have an AC running here at the station too! Glorious!” Grete said and leaned back against the wall behind her.