EARTH DAY 2026: Celebrating Our Liberation from the Tyranny of Clean Air and Water

To secure the Energy and Natural Resource Independence and Dominance necessary to ensure the United States' national security; the EPA has not only changed its name to the Extraction Proliferation Agency, it has effectively changed its mission to ensuring the resources contained in federal lands does not go to waste. "America First" is our motto at the EPA! Welcome to the Golden Age

- Chip "Drillbit" McSoot (Administrator EPA)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Happy Earth Day, patriots! Grab your ceremonial red caps and take a deep, gritty breath of that "Freedom Mist™" formerly known as smog. Today, the Extraction Proliferation Agency (EPA)—having successfully purged its "liberal woke" past—is proud to announce that the planet has never been more profitable.

Gone are the days of the "Environmental Protection Agency," a buzzkill department obsessed with "breathable air" and "drinkable water." Under our new mandate of Energy and Resource Independence and Dominance, we’ve realized that the Earth isn't a "mother"—it’s a vending machine that’s been stuck for too long.

The Gift of Chemical Diversity

This Earth Day, we aren't just protecting a few boring spotted owls; we are protecting the chemicals. Why should PFAS (forever chemicals) be marginalized? We believe in a diverse bloodstream. By rolling back "burdensome" regulations, we’ve ensured that every American household now has direct, unfiltered access to the periodic table right through their kitchen faucet.

"Water is too transparent," said EPA Deputy Director of Desolation, Chip "Drillbit" McSoot. "By deregulating neurotoxins, we’re adding flavor and character to the Great Lakes. It’s about choice. If you wanted clean water, you should have bought a private island."

Boundary Waters: The Ultimate Fire Sale

In the spirit of "Dominance," we are thrilled to celebrate the liquidation of the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness. For centuries, this land sat there doing nothing but being "pristine" and "scenic." What a waste of space!

We’ve successfully rebranded these 1.1 million acres as the "Sino-American Copper Pit & Gift Shop." In a stunning display of our commitment to "Independence," we have leased the mineral rights to various state-backed entities from China. Sure, the resources are leaving the continent, but the checks are staying in the pockets of people who really deserve them. It’s the ultimate Earth Day irony: we’re saving the Earth by removing it, one truckload at a time.

Energy Independence (via Total Foreign Dependence)

Nothing says "America First" like selling the Appalachian mountains to the highest bidder in Beijing. By clearing away those pesky "forests" and "habitats," we’ve made it much easier for foreign excavators to find the coal we’ll never use, to make steel we’ll eventually buy back at a 400% markup. That is the "Dominance" we promised!

A Sustainable Future (for Dividends)

As we look at the horizon—which is currently a vibrant, neon shade of orange thanks to our new "Voluntary Emissions Standards"—we see a bright future. A future where the only thing "green" about Earth Day is the color of the algae blooms we’ve carefully cultivated in the Gulf of Mexico.

So, this April 22nd, don’t plant a tree. That’s a liability. Instead, pour a little used motor oil on your lawn to assert dominance over the soil. Put on your red cap, look at the sun (through a thick layer of industrial particulates), and remember: The Extraction Proliferation Agency is looking out for you.

Because you can’t spell "Dominance" without "Mining everything until the tectonic plates collapse."

Happy Earth Day! May your lungs be as heavy as your portfolio.