Dog Math Explained

In a nutshell, we do not deserve dogs. When they misbehave, we quickly forgive them; especially when we look through their innocent looking eyes. It is their way of saying sorry, and therefore being let off the hook. And is the back door to some treats. You may have heard of Girl Math, Boy Math, Tradie Math, and even ADHD Math. Now the time has come to welcome in the cutest math of all: Dog Math. Yes, it is a thing, all thanks to social media.

Dog owners and enthusiasts should understand. This is a comedic way of looking at fido once and for all.

Firstly, when you leave the home without your dog for three hours, it is three hours. To your dog though, those hours can feel like (three) days. On the other hand, if you leave them at home for three minutes; now that feels more like three days, rather than three minutes to your canine companion.

When injured, the cone of shame is merely that to us, however to your dog, it does not understand that the cone of shame is on them to protect them from undoing their stitches post-surgery, or worse, contracting an infection, and having to go back to the vets again. Dogs think they are punished for wearing it. They have no idea when it will come off, even though us hoomans know that it will come off fido with rock solid certainty at some point or another.

To a dog, this (unpleasant) cone of shame is like trying to figure out how long a piece of string is. Now that is some hardcore math, but still trumps algebra, trigonometry, and calculus to name. Mathematicians who happen to be dog lovers would have to agree.

For those of us hoomans out there lucky to own at least two dogs; despite supplying them with a toy box or basket full of all sorts of different toys; if one dog is playing with a specific toy; the other dog has to play with the same toy at the same time regardless. No ifs, ands or buts.

If you are only five seconds late in feeding a dog - boy you are in dire straits! Same with the w-a-l-k-i-e-s. To a dog, you are considered to be three hours late for both! Furthermore, for those of you hoomans who own more than one dog; if all of your dogs get treats at the same time, but one dog finishes their treat first? To all of these dogs, this means zero treats.

To a dog, there are no limits to belly rubs. They will lap it all up, and possibly moan for more. The owners bed actually belongs to the dog/s. In this case, despite paying the rent or the mortgage, the hooman/s only get a few inches of the bed at bedtime. And of course, mans best friend has to rub up and (hence) sleep right next to you.

To a dog, if it has wheels (anything from prams to you know what) it must be destroyed.

If a treat is broken in half, it does not mean two treats. It means zero treats. How does a dog want this resolution to come about? Three treats minimum in return!

Dog math is adorable. Many people can vouch for this trend, and also say that this is the form of math that they will definitely stay awake to listen to.

A few of the sweetest comments on Dog Math out there, circulating in cyberspace:

''Cuter than maths teachers."

"It is like taking advanced maths."

More dog math....in the language of fido:

When I finish one meal, it is zero meals, because I am still hungry.

My owners/sitters cafe meal is always better than my meal. Just like Pavlov's best friends - I therefore also salivate, so that hooman can feed me some of their food; plus I will still have more of my normal "treat" food while out and about. Aren't I clever?

When the hoomans tell me "bad dog/naughty boy/naughty girl" more than once, it is a positive. Why? To me, two negatives cancel out and make a positive.

The more praise I get, as in "good boy/good girl" - that is a double positive.

To me, I am not living in your home rent free. I pay you back via unconditional love, affection, and free therapy. Deal?

When all of my (tennis or other) balls are out, and only one ball is under the couch or cupboard (out of reach)...Conclusion: I have no balls left.

When pets are stopped after an hour? That means no pets, and therefore I assume that my owners hate me.

When one other dog walks outside the house, it can mean many more on the prowl.

If the doorbell rings, I immediately think that the house is on fire.

And a bonus for all of your fellow Aussies reading this: If I see a Brush-turkey, I must protect my hoomans at all costs; even if the ranger gets my hoomans into trouble.