Dip-a-dee- ooh la la

Like the shadows shrinking from the oppressive molten sun, my molasses body melts as one with the faux cushions. I am about to lapse into a coma of the undead, when an annoying ‘Ping’ begrudgingly wakes me from a catatonic state. Exhaustion from the unrelenting heat makes it an effort to open the text from my best friend Gavin. Yet friendship forces my hand and my unwilling eyes are the ones to pay the price. My eyelids feel like an old cloth rubbing on rough wood as they try to focus on the words.

‘Hey Tom. It’s hotter than the hubs of Hades outside. A group of us are heading to the old swimming hole at Jackson’s creek, join us.’

The city started rolling blackouts to conserve energy, which meant sporadic air-conditioning. In my case I don’t have any so I’m roasting all the time. Every so often I have the delectable whiff of roast chicken then realize that tantalizing aroma is me. A swim with the gang is just what the chef ordered.

A high pitch ping lets me know another exciting text was sent.

‘Sophia, will be there.’

My heart skips, first with anticipation and then with dread. I met Sophia at Gavin’s birthday party, where the wine was sweet—but the conversation was even sweeter. Strange, since I hate sweet wine, but I loved talking to her. Now I had a chance to see if there was something there.

Instantly my mouth becomes like the sands of the desert when I realize she will see me my bathing attire. Exposed. I will be unable to hide behind stylish clothing to camouflage my alabaster skin. Or a body that enjoys the comforts of a soft chair over a workout bench and Doritos over a bowl of kale. Mmmm Doritos.

Long ago, I accepted that I didn’t have the kind of body that could launch a thousand ships. If I had joined the Greeks on their epic voyage to Troy, it would only have been as a flotation device.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not horrendous to look upon, but I’m no athlete. Hadn’t been since those youthful years of high school. Four long years ago. Where does the time go? University has a way of changing a person. The thought of squeezing into a pair of nylon netted shorts with a tie string as the only safety precaution preventing a wardrobe malfunction makes my jelly belly quiver with anxiety.

I’m not going.

Ping!

‘Sophia gave the biggest grin when I told her you were coming.’

Damnit, I didn’t say I was coming, why would he assume I was coming?

More importantly, why did man ever do away with the one-piece cotton cover up bathing attire. Sure, the material may have gotten waterlogged to the point of causing near death drowning experiences, but isn’t that what builds character?

My finger hovers over the thumbs up emoji, praying a slight catastrophic incident like a planet killing comet would plunge into our atmosphere or at the very least a power outage causing a disruption in the network. But my luck never was that good. Everything continued to work. Shit.

I sent the stupid reply along with a smiley face. 😀 👍

I was once described as rugged and robust. But that was said by Gavin when he used the line trying to pick me up. Although flattered I had to tell him I wasn’t gay, just awkward. His answer left me little choice as to our future arrangement when he replied, ’ok, so we will be friends instead of lovers.’

And we are.

The beads of perspiration sliding down my back were no longer solely due to the extreme heat. Melted to my seat, I stare at the fan pushing warm air in my direction. It’s droning sound pleading for a moments rest, begging to be turned off. In what can only be described as a sluggish motion I peel my skin from the pleather sofa. The wet sucking sound sends shivers through my enfeebled body. Saying I moved at a snails pace would be a generous term and an insult to the tiny spiralled shell mollusc. Yet move I did. One squish at a time.

With great effort I squeeze myself into the only swim shorts I own. My shoulders and head drop when I see my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me is the over enthusiastic face of Sponge Bob square pants, straining to maintain every stitch in place. He was not happy being brought out of retirement. With sadness, I hadn’t realized my Dunlop’s disease had gotten so bad. Before you feel sorry for me and look up this dreadful ailment of mine. This disease is where the belly dunlop’s over the top of your pants, a self-induced affliction most men succumb to over time.

Trying to alleviate this horrendous problem, I quickly do some push ups, followed by sit-ups. Ok, it was one push up because I had to retrieve my sandals that were under my bed, and the sit up was from the effort of putting them on while sitting on the floor. But hey, I felt tighter already.

I look ridiculous in this cartoon bathing suit holding on to me by the grace of a thin red string, tied in a delicate bow. So, why am I grinning like an idiot? Damn that contagious sponge Bob smile.

I going to reply I can’t come.

‘Ping’

“I know you’re trying to find a reason for not coming. Stop it.  You’re beautiful. Now, suck it up, and suck that tummy in. We will see you soon.’

Tossing on a baggy shirt and grabbing a towel I head out to face my fate, and Sophia. After all the journey of self discovery begins with one misstep.

Ping!

‘Tom, I should warn you, Brice is coming…..See you soon.’

Brice Goodard…he pants me at a pool party on the first year of university. There I was naked in front of everyone…and the water was cold. Turtle cold. For the entire year I had nicknames like ‘Turtle boy, Pee wee Herman and of course the ever favorite, Tiny Tom.’

I’m not going.

By the time I arrived, playful laughter was filling the afternoon skies along with the echoing sounds of splashing water. I stand motionless outside my car, my heart rate quickening with every high energy giggle, every cry of delight. Honestly, sometimes happy people annoy me. I suddenly become mesmerized by the shimmering waves of air rippling above the pavement, beckoning me forward. The insistent buzzing of cicadas blending with the rushing waters of the creek. With every step I take the rubber soles of my sandals stick against the sun-baked concrete which leads to a short patch of overgrown wilting grass giving way to a strand of tall trees. Beyond that soft clay and bare soil welcome the cool waters, where once again the suns unforgiving light radiates across the sparkling waters and barren shore.

Following the worn path, I pause. Everyone is already immersed in the cool flowing creek. My plan of tossing off my shirt and submerging myself in liquid relief before anyone sees me is soon stymied by a voice bellowing above the noise.

“Tom, you gorgeous creature get in here before you fry.” Cries Gavin.

Dammit, now everyone sees me. Including Brice who winks at me then swings from the tree rope, completing a perfect somersault before cannon balling into the water. While their bodies are conveniently submerged, I am exposed for all to see. Yet I must decide soon before my new name becomes  shake n’ bake. I feel my skin crackle and sting under the burning rays of molten brass. Each breath tastes like the air of a dry tomb, opening after centuries of being sealed.

“I’m just going to enjoy the warmth for a while.” I lie.

“Warmth? It’s a freak’n oven on shore, get in here before you die of heat stroke.”  Replies Gavin.

I start to turn, with intentions of leaving and return to my stagnant hot box I call home. Where I could perhaps sweat off a few unwanted pounds. Suddenly, the sweetest voice gently floats over the water and to my sun-baked ears.

“Tom. I’m glad you made it. Come on in.” Calls Sophia.

My skin becomes flushed, my breath ragged and shallow. Beads of sweat sting my eyes. With trembling hand, I swipe away the hair plastered to my forehead and swallow. “Okay.”

In one, awkward motion I remove my damp shirt, tossing it to the ground. Waiting for the giggling taunts of my peers while they focus on my flabby shape. Crossing my arms across my chest I hesitantly step towards the edge of the creek. Only to be greeted with silence, no snide remarks no lude comments or avoiding eyes. In fact, the only one looking at me is Sophia, beautiful smiling Sophia, with a look of endearment not revulsion. Waving her arm with the grace of a ballerina. Tightening the red string around my waist,  I plunge into the refreshing waters. Instanly relieved in more ways than one.

I worried for no reason, there was nothing to fear except my own frail, self insecurities. Worried what others may think. Which as it turns out, no-one cares and I realize there is no reason to be embarrassed.

Deep in thought I hadn’t notice Brice swim up to me until he startles me by saying. “Hey Tom.”

“Brice.”

“Look, before I chicken out, I really want to say sorry for the incident….you know.”

How could I forget.  

“No worries, water under the bridge. I barely remember it.” I lie.

“Tom, I was nervous and new at the school and trying to look cool. Hope we can be friends.”

With that admission of guilt, he hugged me. I felt touched, awkward but touched. In fact, touched for too long in my opinion.

“All good. Forget about it.” I say in my best Tony Soprano impression.

Fueled with a renewed energy I smile and say nothing. Not wanting him to think he got the better of me years ago I decide to let my actions speak for me. Swimming to the tree with the swing rope, climb out of the water, I grip the damp braided Polypropylene and swing out as far as possible. Twisting my body like a French contortionist, flying through the air without any ease, and colliding upon the water flat on my tummy. I float, stunned with the grace of a beached whale.

Instead of jeers they applauded.

Full of fresh bravado, and much pain, I roll over and backstroke to the tree. Head up, chest out, I grip the rope once more. I notice all eyes are on me, including Sophia. A hush creeps over the swimming hole while they wait for me to swing once again. I did not disappoint, this time the splash covered everyone with in a ten-foot radius.

Full of adrenaline, I dive under water and swim like a sailor possessed by the musical notes of a siren towards the lovely Sophia, flushed with a fervid energy that has nothing to do with the heat. Therefore, I was somewhat confused when I surfaced, and everything is silent and still. All I hear is a slight rustle of leaves from a breeze washing over us. People were no longer smiling with childish delight. Instead, they stood transfixed like a moth heading towards the flame. Their mouths slack like an abandoned ventriloquist doll, slowly close with the corners gradually lifting upward. Their eyes glued to something other than me.

That is everyone except Brice, his lips were as wide as Beelzebub upon the signing of a new soul. My jaw drops and my heart skips a beat, or twelve, watching Brice twirl a familiar red string like waving a flag of victory. Sophia bites her bottom lip while her eyes grow wide. As did everyone else’s. Following their gaze in which they are staring. My eyes bulge out as I slowly cross my arms in front of me until my hands meet in a cupping grip. For there, bobbing in the gentle moving water is the silly smiling face of Sponge Bob, slowly drifting down stream and away from me.

I should have stayed home.

Authors note:

I read many entries into this challenge and couldn't resisit writing a story. I'm just sorry I couldnt finish one on time to submit. They were delighfully funny and witty and I am missing the interaction with the Vocal family.

 Thank you

Jason