Charlotte’s Web of Destruction

Hey Uncle Ted,

First, I want to thank you for letting me borrow your car. You were right, the Toyota Carolla is very sensible and it gets great gas mileage. Speaking of gas, I probably should have filled the tank. You taught me to return things in the same condition I found them, but that was really difficult this time.

I pulled out of your neighborhood without incident, but then once I got on the highway, I noticed a big black spider crawling on the dashboard. I’m not sure how to describe it. It was big and scary! You know how I feel about spiders. I was freaking out, swerving between lanes. I’m normally such a careful driver.

I guess I should have pulled over and got out of the car, but I couldn’t think rationally with the spider getting closer. I grabbed my Starbucks from the cupholder, popped the lid, and splashed the contents in his general direction. There was caramel mocha all over the windshield. Not great for visibility.

Other drivers were honking and swearing. I’m sure I was driving like a maniac, but the spider was still there. Maybe it was the caffeine, but my failed attempt to kill him just made him bolder and faster.

I couldn’t keep my eyes on the road, because they were busy tracking the spider’s movement into the passenger seat. I was so distracted, I didn’t even notice the construction site. I knocked over a row of cones, clipped a dump truck, and scared the shit out of a bunch of guys wearing hard hats.

I managed to get back on the main road, but lost sight of the spider for just long enough to find him climbing onto the back of my hand on the gear shift. I jerked my hand back to shake him off and accidentally put the car in reverse!

I smashed into the vehicle behind me. The airbag deployed on impact. Of course I was dazed, but after regaining consciousness, I adjusted the rearview mirror to see who I’d hit. It was a black armored SUV with diplomat plates!

The spider still clung to me like Velcro and was advancing up my arm. I hopped out of the Carolla like…Like I had a spider on my arm.

This tough guy in a suit came out of the SUV. I got the impression that he wasn’t there to exchange insurance information. He came up close and started to say something, but I was still crazed by this clingy spider. The panicked flailing of my arms to dislodge the spider resulted in a surprisingly accurate karate chop to tough guy’s windpipe. Like a clumsy Jason Bourne!

While tough guy was doubled over in pain, I ran back to the Carolla and peeled out of there fast. Then four more armored SUVs came out of nowhere and started following. Helicopters circled overhead. I don’t know who they were protecting inside that SUV, but I think I may have started an international incident!

Now the spider was gone, but I was being pursued by some very hostile government forces. Bullets took out the whole back window. They were hot on my tail, but with some risky evasive maneuvers, I managed to lose them between Thomas Circle and Rock Creek Park.

There’s no easy way to say this, but your car is in the Potomac. And if any suits come around, just tell them the car was stolen. You don’t know me. I’m faking my own death and moving somewhere without spiders. Maybe Antarctica.

P.S. Please burn after reading.

Love,

Wilbur