By Way of Apology

Yeah. So. I wanted to apologize for something.

You remember that figurine or statue or statuette or whatever the proper term is. Or was. Well, I mean, I’m sure you remember it. It was yours. Or maybe it was an action figure? I dunno. Doesn’t matter.

Point is, at the last game night. You know. The one where you made enchiladas. They were good, by the way. I liked them. Pissed off my digestive system, but I enjoyed them.

So anyway.

Those damn enchiladas summoned some ancient demon in my intestines, which is why I vanished in the middle of Catan. Which sucks, by the way. The game. Not the bathroom scenario. I’d rather deal with some seventh seal breaking, end-of-days gastro-Armageddon event than play Catan. Ever. Which, I know, is your favorite game. Sorry that it sucks. And that it’s your favorite.

But I digress.

So while you all were laying railroads or whatever, I was laying… well, you get it. And since I knew I was going to be there for a while, I grabbed the figure – the one with the alarmingly muscular thighs – off the shelf to entertain myself. I guess it was cheaply made, because the thing just snapped in half. I panicked, broke the rest of the limbs off, and flushed it down the toilet with the enchiladas.

Which is why you may or may not have noticed it missing. And may or may not have had plumbing issues. I dunno. I’m not a pipe doctor.

But yeah.

I felt really bad, so I immediately started looking for a replacement. I would’ve said something that night, but you all were so engrossed in trading wheat and sheep that I didn’t want to interrupt.

God, that game sucks.

I eventually found the exact figure online, bought it, and decided to replace it without you knowing. So I waited until neither of you was home and let myself in.

Which, by the way, a spare key in a fake rock? Doesn’t seem the safest choice. Any weirdo could find it and just stroll in. Good thing I’m not a weirdo!

So I put the new figure on the shelf, easy peasy, and then skedaddled all lickety-split. But I guess I left the gate open and Bubbashanks got out.

Of course I felt terrible, but I couldn’t just go buy another dachshund and sneak him into the house. Pretty sure you’d notice that. So I did the next best thing and made missing-dog flyers.

I didn’t have any pictures of Bubbashanks, and I didn’t want to screenshot any of y'all's socials, because that would be weird, so I used AI to make the flyers. Just typed in how I remembered him, and bam! Just had to let the digital overlords handle the rest.

Obviously I put your number on them. I mean, how else would someone contact you if they found him? I do feel bad that you got all those messages calling you morally, ethically, and environmentally irresponsible, and saying you didn’t deserve your dog back because you “faked” the photos. And that people said if they did find him, they’d rehome him out of spite.

But also, on that same day, since I didn’t want you to know it was me, I put on a dress and a wig as a disguise. No one would ever expect me to put on a dress and wig. So that “other woman” that Susan saw on the house cameras? Yeah. That was me.

And since you couldn’t prove you weren’t having an affair, she left you. Kind of rash, in my opinion, but what can you do? I would’ve said something, but far be it from me to inject myself into other people’s relationship issues. Plus, I didn’t want you to know it was me who let Bubbashanks escape, clogged your toilet, and broke your action figure.

I really do feel bad about that.