A last apology

"Look Deb, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I know, I should have said that earlier, but there were just so many things happening since then that I kind of forgot.

If you think about it, it also seemed kind of small at the moment.

Like this one time, when your mom called and I told her you'd call her back, but then I forgot to tell you, so you didn't and she didn't talk to you for days?

You know that I don't do these things intentionally. I want to do things right.

Some people even say it’s more about intentions than consequences. I think it's called stoicism, have you heard of that? Like when you do everything you can but then the day you sail out, there just happens to be this really bad storm that no one saw coming and your ship is just completely lost. There is really nothing you can do about it."

"We don't have a ship, Jack."

"Well, of course not. It's more of a metaphor, really. I’m just saying, like when roles were reversed, I wouldn’t really blame you. I know you try hard every day, and I admire that, even when -”

“Even when what, Jack?”

“No, you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just, I mean, I pressed the wrong button, okay. That's on me. I shouldn't have done that.

But just imagine for a moment it were a washing machine and I put it on the wrong setting, say 10 degrees too hot. I mean, our clothes would maybe be a bit smaller, but that would be it, right? It might even look funny!

Wait, I know what you’ll say! That it wasn't a washing machine, and that's of course true. It’s just that in any other situation, you press a wrong button, like, what does it even matter?

Also, it was kind of dark in that room. You know how in these really big rooms, sometimes you see the light entering through the windows, but then it somehow disappears on the way, and in the middle of the room, it’s still kind of dim?

And those buttons, it’s not like they are in very bright colours either. Like the dark green and this plain red, they don’t even look that different from each other! Did you know that there are people who can’t tell the difference between green and red? Just imagine!”

“It’s called red-green blindness, Jack. And I'm pretty sure you don’t have that.”

“Just saying.”

“What did they tell you on the first day of your new job, Jack? About the buttons?”

“They did mention them briefly. Like, that I shouldn’t really press or touch them. That I wouldn't even want to know what could happen.”

“Why do you think they said that, Jack?”

"Honestly, I thought it was kind of a test. Like, if you don’t want anyone to press them, why even put them there? It must be a test, no? And think about the people who did the job before me, not that there were many, but just look at them! Some of them certainly must have tried, no? And did anything ever happen?"

...

"Ok, maybe they didn't try.

But it’s not that I even wanted that job in the first place. I've never been passionate about it, like normal people are about working with computers, delivering mail, or whatever it is that they do. I didn't even apply for the job! They just told me that I should do it, that people would like me, that they would trust me."

“You could have said no.”

“You can’t really say no at that point, can you? With all these people looking at you, somehow even believing in you? You know how my dad always told me how all these hard-working and humble people dedicated their lives to building up all of this, and how we have to give something back should our moment ever come.

I just wanted to make him proud. I wanted to make you proud.”

“I was proud of you, Jack.”

“And wasn’t it always you who said, you and me, that’s all you need to be happy? That you wouldn't need the rest of the world?”

“It was a figure of speech, Jack. I didn’t mean it literally.”

She lets her gaze wander across the vast, deserted landscape that once was their city, their country, but now is nothing but ruins and smoke. Then she takes his hand.

“But it’s not that we have a choice now, do we?”

“I suppose we don’t.”

“Well, apology accepted then.”