You’re Not Alone

I just want to start this off with I am sharing my personal story so if anyone else who happens to come across this is going through the same thing they know they aren’t the only one.

This story starts when I thought I fell in love at such a young age. I get the guy and I don’t know why I didn’t get it right off the bat, but looking back, I can see he was going to be the way he was from the very very start. We first got together when I was 13. He was the year above me in school. We were on and off like a light switch. I know now I only went back to him like a bug every time was because I was bullied in high school and to be honest, he was my only friend and the only person who would stick up for me.

When I was 15 we got back together again. I was year 10, he was year 11 so maybe it could work this time and be proper, right? WRONG! It was everything I could’ve asked for. A few months in he started acting weird with me. It started off with small things like petty arguments over, say, turning the light off, checking my phone. Then it progressed, he started telling me who I could and could not talk to, blocking people. Then he just took control of my social media and eventually just my whole phone. He was controlling and obsessive. He wouldn’t let me go out with my friends unless I replied to his messages right away, meaning I couldn’t enjoy being out with the company of my friends.

We were together for just over a year. Once we broke up, we continued to have a little bit of a thing. Kind of like friends with benefits. We were talking about getting back together after we both sorted our heads out. He told me he was talking to other girls which of course I got upset about I mean he was the love of my life, talking to other girls while he had me. We broke it off completely after he told me about the third girl.

Eventually him and, we will call her girl 3, got together and broke up 7 months later. He was texting me being all upset. Me being the softy was there for him and comforted him. Of course, we ended up back together.

We got back together March 2017. He was fine but I wasn’t allowed to talk to one person and wasn’t allowed to speak of any of my male friends to him. I fell pregnant that June. I am a 17 year old (16 when I fell pregnant and gave birth to my beautiful baby boy) who never wanted kids so I’m sure you can imagine everyone’s reaction (I know that sounds harsh but now he’s here I couldn’t ask for anything more magical).

Throughout the pregnancy he was awful. He treated me like he did for the year and made it out that I was over reacting everything because of my hormones. He argued with me all the time, he logged into my Snapchat one time because I didn’t reply to him (fun fact; we were actually on a break at this point of my pregnancy when he done this), I wasn’t allowed to speak to certain people, I wasn’t allowed to say certain things, everything was my fault etc etc.

There was one day he told me he was going to stay with him friend. I believed him. He didn’t reply to me for a while so I thought he fell asleep. He texted me acting all suspicious, he said, “I’m sorry I didn’t reply there, my phone was dying so I left it on the charge and we went for a walk.” I felt in my gut that it was a lie because I would’ve seen him but I believed him anyway. The next week I’ve been getting told he was seen in the next town. Every time I said this to him he got really defensive. Eventually I made a group chat with said friend and who my boyfriend was apparently seen with. She kept telling me it wasn’t true but then said friend started reading the messages and said “you may as well tell the truth she obviously knows.” So I get told he actually went to a girl's house with said friend. I’m fine with that but then I found out he stayed the night.

One thing to know about me, I hate liars. I asked her where he slept, she said the sofa. I ask him, he’s honest and says he stayed in her bed... with her. His friend has mutual friends with me. Our mutual friends and people I don’t even know where telling me he slept with her. I ask him he says no. Then I do something I swear I never do and have only done this one time; I checked his phone when he left the room. I found messages with him and his other friend saying inappropriate things about her and that he was going to sleep with her. At that point I left.

Back together again (I know, stupid is written on my forehead). Goes to another house party. I am friends with everyone going, the people having the party and everything, I only didn’t go because I was pregnant and they’d all be smoking. The girl for this part we will call girl 5. One of my good friends comes to my door and tells me, “Okay, what I’m about to tell you you’re not going to like, but promise me you’ll not hit me when I tell you because I didn’t do anything...” at this point I’m looking at her like, “Hurry up my feet hurt and I want to go to bed. What is it?” She looks me dead in the eye and says “He was at that party last night and slept with girl 5...” I stop listening to what she’s saying and just start processing it in my head. I thank her for telling me and tell her I’m going to bed. She leaves, I shut the door and go up stairs to bed.

I’m laying in my bed and I can’t seem to get it in my head that I’m a mug AND he’s just cheated on me twice, WHILE I’m carrying his baby? Pregnant me with news like that? Not going to be pretty. So I calling my friends telling them what I’ve just been told. They are all ready to kill him with her. Both of them message me almost identical messages saying how it didn’t happen. BUT THEN, the friend that told me sent me a message. Me thinking she lied to me is about to go off on her. I open the message.. it was a screenshot of girl 5 telling my friend to tell me that she was lying or got confused.

It all came out in the end, he did cheat on me the 2 times. I’m convinced it’s 3 but I have no proof or anything for the third other than he’s currently with the girl now after apparently “not knowing her at all” but that’s another story for another day. So with no proof of the third, I realise now that I was in an abusive relationship with someone who obviously doesn’t care about me.

Back to the juicy stuff. My mum and I sit back and look at the relationship and we realised, he’s a psycho. He knows I never wanted kids and knew I was going to leave him so did he trap me with a baby? We were always safe? I know contraception isn’t 100% but I never thought I’d be the one to get caught by faulty contraception. There’s a few things I’m choosing to leave out of this story because it’s way too much information but somethings happened and I think that’s how I fell pregnant. He has told everyone we planned the baby. Erm hello? I was 16 and never wanted kids. Everyone knew that yet he thinks he can talk them into believing I wanted a kid with him? No way!

After the baby was born he was still obsessive, telling me he loved me. One argument and he’s telling my dad that once he saw our baby he lost all feelings he had for me? I’m sorry but I just went through nine months of a rough pregnancy and three days of labour to bring him that child and he’s going to get on like that. He didn’t appreciate anything I did for him nevermind get him his child.

He gets the baby twice a week for 5 hours each day. He tells everyone he doesn’t get the baby at all. He tells people he wants the baby more. He complains about the little amount of time he gets with his son and says he wants him more but he’s the one that fails to come pick him up, he’s the one that chooses his girlfriend over his son? Don’t think so.

My baby boy comes home from his dad's house smelling disgusting as they smoke in the house, apparently not while the baby is there. They smoke everywhere in the house then the days he goes over they smoke in the kitchen. I don’t know where your kitchen is but mine is definitely inside my house? The baby comes home smelling of smoke, disgusting aftershave and most recently, came home smelling like weed. Now I know the baby's dad smokes it, I know that his mum and dad smoke it as well; but can’t they at least wait until the baby is gone before the start?

I’m still in love with him. It’s hard not to be. It feels like there’s a whole in my heart, like leaving him was a big mistake, but I know leaving was the best thing for me and my mental health. I don’t know if I’ll ever be over him, or how long it’ll take, but right now my heart wants him but I’m listening to my head this time as I know what’s right for me and the baby. It’s not him. I’m better off on my own, with the baby and the rest of my family and friends than have someone as toxic as him in my life. We stay friends for the baby, but sometimes I can’t handle just being friends. But I have to.

If you're going through anything like this or have been, go to lifeline for outstanding help and advice. They’ll help you the best they can and it’s all confidential!