Your Partner May Not Be Your Soulmate

One topic I have always found interesting is the idea of soulmates — that mushy gushy term for that perfect match, the ultimate connection that is so powerful it’s as though each soul was constructed for the other. Why do I find this interesting? It's far too romanticized. It makes people give up on love far too easily. It makes people believe the other is missing the correct connections to align with their idea of what a soulmate should be. I, for one, have been with the same person for eleven years. We met when we were 17-years-old and have made it through almost every possible good and bad scenario a couple could go through. We have been told time and time again that we are soulmates, two people absolutely made for each other in every way. Are we soulmates? I know we didn't exactly meet that definition when we first met. We loved each other, that was very obvious, but we were missing a few of the connections that so-called “soulmates” are pegged to have. We disagreed on a large variety of topics, we liked different things, and we also had to put a lot of work into our relationship to make it survive.

I think the idea of soulmates is severely backwards in its definition. I believe soulmates are made, not already something intact just waiting for its other half. I 100 percent believe my husband is my soulmate now. If I would have fallen victim to the idea of a soulmate when we first met, I don’t believe we would have lasted a year. I think soulmates are two people who love each other enough to stick it out when times get tough, to not run when the other person may not fit to you like a puzzle piece. I, for one, am extremely outgoing. My husband, on the other hand, is shy. We disagree and argue and even like a variety of different things and foods. You may think it’s silly to even say something as silly as different tastes in foods could be a defining characteristic of what someone would define as a “soulmate,” but sadly the clichés around this word have made it this way. Relationships take work, hard work! It’s not always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes it's storms and rough waters.

My husband and I were 19-years-old when we found out we were going to be parents. That was really the defining moment for us to truly try to make what we had work. Regardless of 18 being consider an adult, I know that at 19, the reality that I was going to be a parent was absolutely terrifying. I remember thinking I was too young, I had never lived on my own, and I couldn’t even keep a plant alive. Our son, however, is what truly made us start to see each other clearly for the first-time since we had started dating. My husband and I had gone from high school sweethearts to parents in a very short period of time. It was life-changing and at times almost made us separate.

Here’s the thing, though: we grew up together. Not in the sense that we knew each other since childhood, but in the sense that we became adults together. We grew to respect each other and see each other’s wants and needs and put them before our own wants and needs. We went through every major moment together and figured out how to be parents and even responsible human beings with each other. Most people reading this are probably thinking that of course we are soulmates. We were high school sweethearts, what a sweet story! The reality intertwined and hidden behind this story is that it wasn’t easy. We were dirt-broke new parents who were barely adults. There were fights. Heck, there were even a few short-lived breakups mixed in there every so often. There were times we wouldn’t speak to each other when we went to bed, but we always went to bed with each other. There were times we couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with each other, but neither of us left. Love and the idea of soulmates is about giving another person your half and not giving up on theirs, loving them for their differences, not for their similarities. Sometimes you don’t perfectly intertwine. That doesn’t mean that you are not perfect for each other.

My husband challenges me, makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and I am 100 percent myself around him. Does he always agree with me? Of course not! Does he always like my ideas? Heavens no! He listens to me and cares about my passion for my ideas even if he disagrees with it entirely. After 11 years, I can say I love him now more than I ever did when we were in our honeymoon phase. Love is about not giving up, and when you find yourself drifting, try harder! Always make time to listen. Always make time to tell the other person you love them even when your mad. That’s what soulmates are — two people who are there for each other no matter what, not this magical connection that is unrealistic to anyone’s standards. I’m not saying settle for someone and draw out a relationship that will likely never work, but don’t give up on someone just because they aren’t the definition of what a soulmate is supposed to be. If I would have given up on my husband just because he didn’t meet some unrealistic checklist I had in my head, I would have missed out on the greatest love of my life. Redefine your expectations. You may be surprised what you find.