Your Friends Are Lying to You

I’m a guy. I have a few guy friends. Sometimes, we hang out and jam, and while we jam, we shoot the breeze.

What do guys talk about? Cars… music… food… video games… girls…

I dropped by the tat shop. It’s where we jam after hours. I was telling the guys that I had been clearing out FaceBook “friends” to whom I never talk, and I came across a friend we all know in real life, a girl.

I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, and I was wondering what she was up to. Last I heard, she was having marital problems, and I didn’t see that she was in a relationship, according to Facebook. Furthermore, there were no pictures of her husband, but there was a picture of her playing her guitar.

I told the guys that I sent her a message to let her know that if she was interested in jamming, all of us played outside the shop, with which she’s familiar because she works next door. They fa-lipped out.

No girls! They all screamed. I couldn’t understand why.

Three of them said they wouldn’t be able to explain the presence of a lady if their wives/girlfriends dropped by the shop.

First of all, the explanation is that she’s playing guitar. Second of all, their wives/girlfriends have never dropped by in the year that we’ve been jamming outside the shop. Then, they all started in on whether or not I was trying to get with her.

This girl’s a cutie. If she’s married then no, I’m not trying to get with her. If she’s having trouble with her marriage, that might be a different story; I might try to get with her if she’s truly considering leaving her husband. If she’s already done with this guy then I am absolutely trying to get with her.

Now, these guys know this chick better than I do… or they claim that they do, and one of them started in on how I need to leave her alone, but he can’t tell me why. Shaking my head in amused disbelief, I told him that we’ve been friends for over 20 years, and if I need to know something, it would be nice to hear it.

The effort that I had to exert to get some kind of information was indicative of stalling. You know how when you catch a little kid doing some wrong they hem and haw while trying to get their story straight? That’s what I was seeing. It took me like five actual minutes before bro could come up with a reason to leave her alone.

He made claims that she has a disease. Then, one of the other guys claimed that he had been talking to her, and that there was definitely something wrong with her. Then, the next guy decided to say that she’s on coke.

This chick does some work for the military apart from her part time day job. I’m actually not sure if she’s in the armed forced or does some kind of proxy work, but I seriously doubt that she’s on coke. They test for that on a regular basis. Moreover, the few times I’ve talked to her, she seemed pretty level to me.

The guys then started to agree with each other. She has diseases. She looks sickly. It’s because she is sick, and she’s on drugs. We knew another guy she was messing with while she was married. Oh, you wouldn’t know this guy. He’s from somewhere else. She’s an Army whore, and it went on, and on, and on.

Sound like high school? It does to me.

When I finally got the one guy alone, the only one I actually trust, he says to me that two of our guy friends were trying to get with her, but that they suddenly stopped talking to her, and that it was because she told them that she had a disease.

Secondhand reportage is unreliable. Maybe, she does have something, but I seriously doubt it. Remember this article is called: Your Friends Are Lying To You.

Here’s what I think, and I swear that I can see it. The two dudes who tried to get with her got shot down for one reason or another, and guys would rather make ridiculous claims than admit they couldn’t seal the deal.

Like I said, this chick is a cutie. She either is or was married. She has the pick of litter, and the two dudes in question, God love ‘em, aren’t the pick of the litter.

One guy has four kids from like two or three different marriages. One guy can’t hold down a job and goes to AA meetings. They’re both also pot heads, which is fine by me, but I’m pretty sure this chick is clean.

I can see it; they tried chatting her up, and like all of your friends, they lied after they got shot down. In order to try to save face, and to keep other guys away from her—so they can’t learn the truth—they made up the disease and coke bull crap.

See, most guys, most people, aren’t having sex. If the statistics about American sex lives are true, we’re all having less sex than previous decades.

You can read a WaPo article about it here if you don't believe me.

People who are dating, people who call themselves couples, people living together, and certainly married people are not having sex. On top of that, most people marry the first person they sleep with because it’s so hard to find someone willing to give it up who isn’t sleeping with multiple partners.

Now, all of these guy friends all claim that they’re having sex. The one guy always says: Look at me. I’ve got four kids.

Yeah, and they’re like between seven and ten. None of his kids are babies. This guy works all day, and then he always drops by the tattoo shop five, six nights a week. When is he having sex? I’ve never seen him with a girl. Whenever there’s a girl getting tattooed, he claims he’s going to chat her up, but he doesn’t.

The other guy just had a baby, and I know his wife isn’t up and running, so to speak. He works at the shop, and he hangs out after hours to play with remote controlled cars or listen to the rest of us jam. When is he sleeping with his wife?

The other guy owns the shop, and he’s there 12 hours a day, six days a week. He has three kids, and they’re all teenagers. He even told me, years back, that he was going to try to have another kid. I don’t see a new kid.

The last guy is supposed to be the Casanova of the bunch, and I enjoy calling him out because he's anything but. In all my years knowing him, I’ve seen him with one girl. He was acting like a lovesick teenager, kissing her knuckles, telling her how beautiful she is, like he was enraptured by some Goddess, and two days later he says she left him. Of course she did; the guy’s probably too terrified to so much as try to put his stick in a woman.

No guy likes being thought of as celibate, especially celibate against his own will, so he lies about having sex because his humongous ego, and paradoxically enough, intense insecurity, make him irredeemably self-conscious. Then, the rest of the guys start thinking that maybe he is having sex, and they don’t want to be the one’s not getting any, so they lie, too.

In order to downplay suspicions, they try to be seen talking to girls. Then, after they’re pretty sure she won’t be coming back around, they say they slept with her. Then, they say they left her for some ridiculous reason, so that she’s essentially damaged goods. The ploy is to make the rest of the guys believe this lie, so they won’t go after the girl; this is done to hide the fact that they did not sleep with her.

I might have just sinned against bro-code there, but you need to hear it.

I’ve been dealing with this since high school. Even back then, I knew some girls, and whenever I was seen talking with them, all of my friends, who never so much as said hello to this girl, would say that she was a whore. They slept with her, and that her snatch was loose and worn out because of all the guys she had slept with.

In reality, they were lying about their virginity, and they were terrified that I was going to get it first.

Your friends are lying to you, but what do I know, right? I mean, c'mon; vaginas don't stretch out from overuse. By that logic, every married woman would have a worn out vagina, unless, of course, she’s not sleeping with her husband anyway, but hubby always claims he’s getting it five nights a week, so use your brain.

Really consider this paradox: Men don’t want to sleep with women who have loose vaginas. Vaginas get loose from too much sex (they actually don’t). Men claim to be sleeping with a girl on a regular basis, which would make her vagina loose (it doesn’t), but if a loose vagina is a turn off, why are they sleeping with this girl thus making her vagina loose?

Yeah, this is how stupid men really are, and the stupider ones believe all this.

I might've just broken bro-code again. On the flip side, women lie about having sex, too. They claim they’re “just getting theirs,” but they’re not.

When I used to still work part time, I knew a young lady with a two year old girl. She was chatting me up, and I let her know that I was kind of talking to someone else. She flipped out. Obviously, she was interested in me.

Well, one day, after her patting my chest and pressing her little fanny against me, I let her know that I was interested, but I was only interested in one thing because I didn’t want to be a part time dad. I didn’t want to deal with baby matters, and I certainly didn’t want to deal with baby daddy.

I told her that if she wanted a boyfriend, it was best she look elsewhere. At first, she claimed that she just wanted to get hers. I told her I had hers right where she needed it. Then, she stopped answering my texts and started blowing me off (not the good kind) at work.

Everyone at work claimed that she was easy, that she did go out and get hers, and that she was interested in me. Maybe, she was interested. Maybe, she wasn’t, but if she was, and she did “go out and get hers,” why did she suddenly cool off? Where were all these other guys she was sleeping with? They weren’t coming around work, and no one at work was sleeping with her. She wasn’t sleeping with anyone and probably just got her jollies being flirty.

I think she got spooked when things got real. As a matter of fact, none of her friends ever saw her with a guy. One of her friends confided to me that she had actually not been with a man since she split from her baby daddy—over a year—and that whenever they went out, she never talked to guys because it was “girls night.”

I knew another chick, a married chick, who was constantly claiming that she wanted a thug. She loved her husband, and they had two kids together, but she needed a thug because she wasn’t getting what she needed at home.

Nobody’s having sex. There are tons of sexless marriages, and that's why there are a ton of books and articles on how to cope with a sexless marriage, or how to reignite the flame. Furthermore, whenever anyone meets someone that does have sex, they marry that person because sex is so great, and it’s so hard to get it. The only people who don’t marry for sex are the ones who are sleeping with multiple people.

From a guy’s perspective—not mine, I love slutty girls—a girl who sleeps around isn’t worth marrying because stupid men immediately think that promiscuity is a prequel to cheating after marriage.

That isn’t how I see it. I’d love to be the guy that beat out all the other guys and married the slutty girl. Hopefully, that means that I can have what I want whenever I want it; that’s the dream .

From a chick’s perspective, a promiscuous man is untrustworthy. I hear it all the time from all women: All men cheat. All men mess around. No, they just lie about it. They all lie about it; your friends, too.

Your friends are lying to you. Everyone is lying to everyone else, especially about having sex. This has to be true, and this is why so many women marry men only to complain years down the road that “he was never very good in bed." Then, why did you marry him if he’s bad in bed and good sex is so important to you? Because he was the only guy actually man enough to use his prick for more than peeing, but what do I know, right?

Look, I don’t know if you’re buying into any of this. If you are, start poking and prodding your friends, and their acquaintances, and I’ll bet you hear some conflicting stories. On the other hand, you’re probably the one going around lying about the tail you’re pulling, but don’t feel bad; no one else is getting it either, but what do I know right?

Thanks for reading. I hope I’ve opened your eyes to some idiotic, human behavior. Relationships are hard. Meeting people is even harder, so the next time you hear something about a guy or girl you met, don't believe your friends. If you want to have your eyes opened some more, drop by my What Do I Know tab. There you'll find more articles pushing the boundaries of common sense.