Look, let’s get straight to it. We don’t have enough time anymore. Between keeping up with the voting habits of celebrities and participating in the latest viral internet trends, there’s not a lot of room left for us to get to the bottom of a lot of really serious issues. Unless it’s compacted and served via drive-thru, there really isn’t any way to stay up to date on the inexcusable things people are getting up to in the world. Hence, I humbly present The Official 2020 Guide to All Things Annoying.
1. “Baby On Board” Signs
We’ve all seen that abhorrent yellow square suction-cupped to the inside of some minivan’s or hatchback’s rear window. Have you ever wondered what it’s for? Nothing. That’s what they’re for. Is the intention to alert drivers on the road to the potential presence of a baby with the hope that reckless drivers will come to their senses and behave like ordinary, rational people? Surely the owners of these meaningless signs don’t honestly think that sign will somehow divert roadway accidents, as if there are wild drivers on the road who will think, “Well, I’d like to cause a devastating car crash, but I must first find a vehicle free of any infant occupants. Toddlers are a different story.”
The alternative motive for displaying your vapid ‘Baby On Board’ sign is to tell the world that you — special, special you — have a child and are infatuated with yourself for conceiving which is, in itself, about as spectacular a feat as belching the alphabet backwards.
It’s not the picture itself that’s annoying as much as it is backstory of how the particular selfie came to be. You scroll through your Facebook feed and find some gleaming face staring back at you, their zealous arm extending to the bottom corner of the image, cut off at the elbow by the boundary of the frame. In the background is some pleasant scenery of a sprawling landscape, or a modern, picturesque kitchen. It is, you admit to yourself, a very nice picture of old Jenny Goodfornothing. Then you start to think beyond the surface of the image to the precise moment that Jenny made the decision to snap a photo of herself. She draws her phone from the back pocket of her jeans and summons it to life. She peers into her own image on the screen and promptly adjusts the perspective to conceal the double-chin that her downward gaze manifests. She presents a congenial smile and takes the photo. Click! She reviews the photo. “Nose looks too long,” she thinks, and she repeats the miserable process, this time angling her face a little more towards the camera. Click! “Cheesy smile.” Click! “Too much cleavage.” Click! “Too little cleavage.” Click! “Thumb in the lens.” Click! “That strand of hair is out of place.” Click! Click! Click! At last she’s taken a suitable picture. Next she will be burdened with finding a proportionately witless caption, most probably a trite testament to the splendor of simplicity (a characteristic which she assuredly does not possess).
Even cringier are group selfies, those abominations born of some blockhead who exuberantly demands that everyone bunch together behind them for a photo op. “Hey, everyone! Let’s take a picture!” they say in a tone that is better suited to suggest ice cream as a feasible choice for lunch.
3. Really Any Picture That Isn’t of Your Dog
Let’s just be honest about it.
4. Tossing Cigarette Butts Out Your Window
There’s no justification for it except that YOU’RE A CIGARETTE BUTTHEAD. And, probably, people don’t like you much anyhow.
5. Political ads
No explanation necessary.
6. “Children Playing” Signs
I’d really rather not have to worry about your child playing uninhibited in the street. And, I imagine your child is old enough to be wary of running into the road without heed. A little extra caution never hurt anyone, but I hope you’re watching your child as intently as you apparently expect me to be.
7. Country Music
McDonalds served somewhere around 69 million customers every day in 2015. That’s 69 million people sinking their teeth into substandard food which they know to be hardly a simulacrum of proper nutriment. The difference between fast-foodies and country music listeners is that the former will readily admit that they indulge in tasteless, mass-produced garbage.
8. Keeping Up With the Joneses
If reputation is your motivation for doing anything, please reevaluate your entire existence. This includes: clamoring for Game of Thrones when you know it to be, in fact, a pitiful attempt at art; having children because your friends got preggo; rushing into a mortgage to “adult” better; getting a purebred puppy because you’re worried what people think of you for adopting a shelter mutt. (Side note: if you fall into the latter category, please find a rowboat and and relocate to Antarctica.)
9. Election Season
Arenas brimming with zealous fans, doubling-down on idiocy for the sake of rallying the team, and having no concern for what happens after their team wins. I’m not talking about sports. Although I might as well be.
10. Using the Internet to Complain
Wait a second…how did this get on here? Next.
11. Moving to Colorado
Yes, we’re the greatest state in the nation. No, moving here will not make you: less of a blockhead, any cooler, capable of driving in the snow. I know you’re envious of us, America, but try to put your best foot forward when you move here. You’re really not sending your best. You’re sending people with lots of problems, and they’re bringing their problems with them. They’re bringing inconsiderates. They’re bringing litterbugs. They’re ugly. And some, I assume, are decent drivers.
12. Your Child
No one else was going to tell you. Your kid is pretty annoying.
13. Complaining About the Condition of the World But Also Thinking You’re Not Part of the Problem
I don’t do that. You do that.
14. Not Shoveling Your Sidewalk
Put on your snow boots, bozo. Don’t buy a corner lot if you aren’t prepared to shovel twice the snow.
15. Postulating that Humans Have Inherent Value
Go ahead and try to make an argument our existence is more meaningful than other animal life. Then watch how it can be used to argue that some humans are more valuable than others. Just try.
16. Pretending to be an Introvert
I don’t know how introversion became a fad. But it did. Now every Sally, Joe, and their arthritis-ridden grandmother fancies themselves a recluse. Don’t tell me how much you can’t stand people and how much you enjoy being home when you’re on social media posting about all the lame shit you do WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I’d rather listen to some poor soul’s travails with a stubborn toe fungus.
17. Chewing Loudly
Are you worried that your food is going to run away? Is that why you’ve sacrificed decency for expediency? Build some self-awareness. You’re embarrassing yourself.
18. Not Picking Up Your Dog’s Poop
I’m not sure what you think is going to happen with that poop. And I’m not sure how you think that poop isn’t your responsibility to clean. Stop being a piece of shit.
19. Taking Up More Than Your Fair Share of Space at the Gym
No one is impressed by you. And I’m sure you’re the kind of person who gets upset when other people behave the same way you do, don’t you?
20. Treating Pets as Commodities
You’re no saint just for adopting an animal. You’re annoyed that your dog has so much energy because you don’t play with him? Considering declawing your cat because she continues to shred your beloved furniture? Frustrated that they keep getting on the furniture? Making noise? Breathing? Wanting your affection?
You poor thing.
Let’s just go put you in a shelter and hope someone comes along who doesn’t think you’re unbearable. Because you are.