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You're Dating Damaged Goods

The honest reason I turned you down on that coffee date.

By Elle White Published 6 years ago 5 min read
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I wish what is written below could be stamped to my forehead for every guy to read, so that they can run 100 miles in the opposite direction. This is for the guy I turned down coffee with last year. This is my real explanation, which you will never read or know about. This is how every boy has wound up when they become close to me, and this is not how I want things with you. I'm sorry.

The Flirtatious Stage

You show interest in me, and I reciprocate, unsure of how to act. I can't decide if I like you as a friend or as something more at this stage. It's because I don't trust you. That isn't something that comes easy to me, and it will take me a while to understand how I feel about you because of it.

The First Date

I am going to be nervous. Very nervous. Most likely, I won't really want to go but a part of me makes me go, spurred on by the repetitive complaining from my mother and friends that I "don't give guys a chance." I will laugh, I will make conversation and I will nod in agreement with everything that you say. I will be kind to you. I really, really don't want you to pay for dinner because I don't feel like I deserve to be treated- especially when I don't know if I like you. You will tell me you like me, and nervously ask if I would like to go on another date with you. You paid for dinner, I feel like I owe you something and you were nice to me, so I agree.

Overthinking

Every time you speak to me, I feel pressured to decide whether or not I like you, because I don't want to lead you on. It hurts me a lot, because I feel like I am hurting you, or inevitably, will hurt you.

The Good Times

Sometimes, when we meet, there will be occasions when I look at you, and I think yes. I decide in my mind that I like you, and I look at you in admiration. I will say how I feel to you, and you smile. You begin telling me more about yourself.

I Am Eaten Away by the Things You Do Not Know

The closer we become, the more I realise the time is coming closer when you tell me that you do not like me. I am waiting for it to hit you, for you to see me how I see myself. I know the more I open up to you, the more likely that day will come quicker, so I stay quiet.

I Will Still Feel Very Unsure a Lot of the Time

My heart sinks when you text me. It sends my mind into a downward spiral of trying to understand my feelings, understand if I like you, or the idea of you.

It Will Destroy Me, and You Won't Know

I'm balancing on a tightrope, I can so easily be tipped one way, or another. I need time, I want distance so that I can figure out how I feel. You are already sure that I like you, you want to spend more time with me, you want to progress things, and I remain silent, going along with it because I don't want you hurt. I know I like you as a friend at least, and I just want you to be happy, even when it means that I'm not. You will kiss me, you will be affectionate, and in my mind, I'm praying for it to stop. I don't understand how I feel, and I don't want this. It isn't your fault, you think I want this too, because I can't find the courage to tell you otherwise.

I Will Try to Justify My Negative Feelings Towards You

I will tell myself I don't want affection because guys have treated me badly before. They have been too affectionate when I said no. I will tell myself I just need to endure it until it feels right. I will tell myself I'm just going through a phase, a low point and that feelings grow over time. I will tell myself to wait it out, and things get more challenging within that time.

You Are Completely Oblivious

It's been long enough, that you believe that you have me, and that I am happy. You feel the relationship is secure, but inside I'm breaking.

The Realisation

One day, it becomes too much for me, for my mind. I orchestrate how I will tell you. It will tear me apart for days, I will be nothing but a ball of anxiety, I will hide away, I will become very depressed knowing what is to come. I will plan my words carefully, but nothing will fit. I will hate and hate myself for doing this to you, for hurting you. I didn't want to hurt you, but this is all my fault. I don't understand why I struggle to be honest with my feelings.

Endings

Your face breaks. The smile slips away, your forehead will furrow in the confusion of it all, the shock. My heart is sinking. My mouth wont stop moving, trying to fix things. I can see the hurt in your eyes, and It makes me hate myself. Nothing I say is good enough, I can't explain myself properly and you knows my excuses make little sense. You leave. It wasn't even a month, but they still seem so hurt, It feels like it was longer for both of us. A month is my limit, I've never managed to hold onto anyone longer.

Friends Intervene

People find out, people ask questions. I act cold, hard. I laugh about how bad I am at relationships, I make up excuses about why things didn't work out. I joke about being a terrible person, but deep down I hate myself more than anyone else around me could. I hate myself for the trail of broken people I leave in my wake.

The Promise to Self

I decide that was the last time, that I am never dating again. Someone else appears, and once again, I don't know how to say no. I fall deeper into pain and self hatred every time. It's a cycle I can't break. I try to stay away from people showing interest in me, but I long so deeply for friendship that lines become blurred for both parties.

You

You were the first guy I said no to, no before the first date. It hurt me so much to do, It still hurts me today, a year later. Things could have been different with you, and I question myself about that every time I see you. I know it was for the best though, because you deserve much, much better.

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About the Creator

Elle White

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