You Miss Me. What Now?

Today a friend offered me the age old advice, “to get over a man, you must get under a new one” or in my case an old one.

After my most recent break up what was supposed to be a birthday ‘baecation’ turned into a ‘friendcation’ and a mission to reignite an old flame. Whom I often referred to as the ‘love of my life’, or as you now know him, Mr. Right.

I of course had my reservations about seeing him again. Although my feelings stayed the same, I was scared to acknowledge all the things that had changed. The major change being, that I had just gotten out of a relationship that I had no business being in. In my head, I knew there was a chance that things would be completely different.

But that’s not in Mr. Right’s fashion. As soon as I saw him, he flashed me a smile that could light up a room and quickly embraced me with open arms. I felt the tension release from my shoulders and my jaw unclench. It felt as though we didn’t skip a beat, and my ex-boyfriend was now a million miles away from my mind.

I thought if I saw him everything would be better.

And it was better.

For three days.

As I sat on the plane ride back, I realized I would have to go back to the scene of the crime and live in my painful last memories of what we were. For the past three months I always caught myself asking “What happened to us?”, and I still haven’t conjured up an answer.

And I know you’re all probably wondering, if I already had picked my Mr. Right, why was I still so hurt over Mr. Right Now?

It’s only been three months since our break up and if you’re anything like me then you know that the third month is crucial. By the third month, I’ll have been at least 80% over it, unless of course, you’re me and you wake up to an “I miss you” text.

All that self healing and bringing myself out of a hole, gone.

It only took three words, to invalidate the healing that took place within these last three months.

The one text I was waiting on, so I could look at it and laugh, and say “well of course you miss me, look how good you had it.”, but I didn’t have it in me. I felt as if there was any thread of hope that we could get back what we once had, this was it.

But as the high of my satisfaction wore off, I realized that he had total control over the situation. He only wanted to see me because he missed me, he only texted me because he wanted to, these actions all to benefit him. For the past three months I had to accept the ugly truth that this was not what he wanted, and letting go was the healthiest option, rather than clinging onto a thread of hope.

You miss me. Now what? What does that change?

Not a thing. I realized that his “I miss you”, was more so out of convenience than it was of sincerity for my feelings. How could he have possibly thought I was over him, when the day he walked out, he left with so much of me.

I was left with the question, how could you miss me when I never went anywhere?