you know when you're in love

so this is my first blog and i want to talk about something that every teenager goes through at least once in their life: heart-break. now i know it's not the most inspiring and happy topic, but i just want to share my experiences and how i managed and coped with it, and maybe it will give hope or peace to whoever reads this.

you know when you're in love with someone, and they just so happen to be your best friend. well that happened to me, in the ninth grade, first semester, in art class. i met a guy that i had seen around before, but i didn't know the first thing about him besides his name. we sat at the same table, so us getting to know each other better was kind of inevitable. we got along so well and we would always make each other laugh. he would prop his legs up on mine and no matter how tired mine got, i would never tell him to move them. because i loved how comfortable he was around me, given that he is a guy. he would bottle up every emotion that he felt. but not with me, he wouldn't, he would spill everything to me, which obviously as a girl, made me fall for him even more without even realizing it. i was oblivious to the fact that i was falling in love with him because of how good of friends we were. just thinking about him in any other way besides as a friend would weird me out. and one night, it hit me like a freight train. we were at a basketball game. he was sitting in front of me and was leaned back with both his arms propped on my knees. he asked me to scratch his back (something he always loved) so, i did. and i can't remember exactly what i said, all i remember is him turning around and having the biggest smile on his face along with the purest laugh i had ever heard. it was like a movie or something. it was all in slow motion. i remember his eyes getting wide, i remember how his smile formed and how happy it made me feel. that is when it hit me: i was in love with this boy.

and just a side fact, the feeling you get when you make the person you're in love with laugh cannot be compared to anything you have ever felt before. you feel like you could and you most certainly would do anything and everything in your power to make them happy or just to get them to look at you and smile.

but you know the inexplicable pain you feel when you find out that the feeling isn't mutual?

they don't look at you the same. how awful that is. how agonizingly painful it is. how you can literally feel your heart break inside your chest, or how every time they walk into a room now, your eyes can't help but to wander towards their direction every so often. no matter how hard you try to keep your eyes and your mind focused on literally anything other than them, it seems almost impossible. you try to not think about them or what could have been. you think that you will never, ever, get over them. i thought to myself that there was no way in hell i could ever get over this dude, i mean, he was the first boy i had ever truly loved! but no matter what you try to say or what you try to do, nothing can change how the other person feels. so three years pass and each day the pain decreases little by little, and day by day you get just a little bit stronger.

but it's still every time they walk into the same room as you, you still see your own happiness in their kind eyes. when you hear that same laugh and when you hear their voice, it brings you almost a nostalgic feeling, especially when you haven't heard them in a long time. their plump lips make you wish you had the chance to kiss them. but now, he has a girlfriend and honestly, i could not be happier for him. when he looks at her, i can see it in him that he has the most genuine respect and love for this other girl. and i am overwhelmed at the fact that he has found someone that he can connect with, share stories with, and laugh with. you think about all the great memories you had with him when you had the chance to, and you could not be more grateful. all you've ever wanted was for him to be happy. and he is, and now, so are you. and that's just it.

i wanted to tell you this story because i am young but i have been in love. i have experienced what damage love can do to one's soul, but also how much you can learn from it. i went through the super unhealthy side of love. i am here to tell you do not give yourself away to someone that could care less about how you're doing. do not go out of your way to do something for someone who never says thank you. do not get wrapped around somebody's finger, because they will take advantage of the love they know you have for them and the will ride it until the wheels fall off. thankfully my wheels finally got worn out. i got tired of living everyday in constant pain and sadness, and not even being able to be in the same room as him because it was too hard for me. healing is intentional. you have to decide, "hey, this feeling sucks. i don't want to live this way anymore. i am better than this, i deserve better, so i am going to go after better." getting over your first love is definitely not an easy, overnight task. it took me three years. almost seemed like it was never going to end. and if you are feeling that way, i am here to tell you that oh my goodness does it get better. you will get to the point where you can look at them in the face and say, "you are not what i need. you might have been what i wanted, but not anymore." i promise you that feeling is unmatched. being able to feel free and not locked on this one person that doesn't even bother speaking to you when you see each other in person? hey i'm talking to guys too! i know some guys that have had their heart broken over a girl, this goes for you too bud. i mean hello we are all capable of feeling pain. just because you're a guy doesn't mean you can't be sad or look for help when you need it.

i pray for every single one of my friends each night and pray that they never have to go through the pain i went through. and i pray for you that even if heartbreak does happen to you, it know it feels like the end of the world. but it's not. not even close. you are so much stronger than you think you are, and i beg of you. don't give up on your friends, and most importantly, don’t give up on yourself. you are so much stronger than you realize.

with all the love,

Taylor 081618 1:38am