You Cannot Fully Heal After a Breakup Without Doing These 2 Things

Imagine standing in front of a gigantic mirror where you see yourself and your surroundings.

You see your reflection and everything around you perfectly well.

Everything is fine. Your reflection in the mirror looks good. You see the place you are in clearly.

Now, heartbreaks are when this mirror shatters into a million, sharp pieces. Some pieces are big, others are small. All are sharp. And all will hit you as hard as possible.

They will wound you when they hit you.

Some will hit you now; some will hit you later.

The main idea is that the mirror is now but a sharp, harmful object that will hit you painfully. A million times.

It can get shattered instantly and with no warning. Or a few cracks here and there can eventually destroy it.

But it is not only that. Things are worse.

You can no longer see yourself or your surroundings. And if you do, it is a reflection that is not only not clear but also deceiving.

The way you see yourself and the world will get a hard hit, regardless of how independent you are.

And a million pieces will hit you a million times, in a different million places.

The details hurt. The scents. The music. The places. The voice. The photos. The random memories. The phone calls. The hugs. The flowers. The tears.

Funny how you are left with the latter.

Breakups are painful

But you can overcome them.

I know you might not believe me right now. But you can overcome heartaches. The scars might always be here, but they will not hurt anymore.

And you might as well meet someone who finds your scars a work of art.

That being said, I want to help you in your journey to overcome the pain of a million sharp pieces hits.

I will just talk about two points. But those points are important. They are less talked about though they are where the real healing happens.

And in my opinion, you cannot fully recover from a breakup and get over someone without doing these 2 things.

Let us quickly discuss them. Long articles might be hard to read as your heart is aching, so I will try to keep this short yet useful.

#1 Take off your rose-eyed glasses, and do not ignore the red flags again

The term "red flags" is usually used in dating materials.

But it can apply to any type of relationship.

They are warning signs. Stuff that will make the interactions unhealthy and hurtful.

You want to stop ignoring them not only in romantic relationships but also in all life's areas.

Remember the mirror concept?

You will start losing confidence in your own judgment after breakups. Especially if you were cheated on. So, building back self-trust is crucial.

And learning to not overlook red flags is one of the first steps though it may sound cliche.

Here is an interesting fact: toxic people give you plenty of warning signs, whether intentionally or not.

That is because no one can hide their true behavior forever. It will often manifest itself in some situations to some extent.

It will reveal itself. You just have to pay attention.

So, why do not we?

We do not pay attention because we are either biased or plain naïve.

Or both!

The person might be a good manipulator as well. Keep this in mind.

In romantic cases, we are biased because of the chemicals that are running through our minds and blinding us.

But generally, we are biased because we believe there is something good about this relationship and this person.

And we do not want to shake that belief.

We want to maintain that false image we have in our minds about reality instead of confronting, accepting, and challenging it.

We are in love with an image of that person.

While there is no one comprehensive list for red flags, most of the time we are aware when there is something fishy in the air.

The so-called "gut feeling" kicks in, and our conscience takes over.

As I said, people are constantly telling you who they are. You just have to pay attention.

And pay attention to actions, not to words.

Of course, I do not mean that you should go out there and beat people to death for their mistakes.

We all make mistakes and come short every now and then.

What I mean is, address what bothers you. Do not ignore it. Especially in new relationships.

Do not overuse compassion to the point of enabling someone else to act delinquent towards you.

Red flags can be unintended mistakes. Or they can be a pattern of behavior the other person has.

You need to know which case is true for your partner.

How do you deal with both situations?

It takes communication to address the first type.

And for the second type, it takes a serious examination to know whether you are to tolerate that kind of behavior or not, then a dose of communication.

Note that I am talking about your ability to handle fishy situations in the future. If you feel you are not yet ready for a relationship, it is okay. But keep on developing this skill when dealing with people in general.

Healing is about developing a set of skills that are based on lessons you initially failed to learn.

But with both types, keep an open eye. Do not be biased, and do not ignore red flags. Do not rationalize them.

And actually, if you listen to the quiet voice of your conscience, maybe it will have a valuable opinion about what you should do.

Maybe that is what you should do.

It is painful to ignore the red flags even though you are aware of them and then get hurt by them, understanding that you have known it all the time but have chosen to ignore it.

It could be a courageous thing to do that. Or it could be out of naivety.

But it is painful.

I know that from personal experience. Mine was a mix of courage and naivety.

#2 Realize that you don't always have to question yourself because of their actions.

There's this quote that I find fascinating.

"If you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you."

I am not here to justify the toxic behavior. I am here to make the point that most of the toxic behavior is not about you at all. It's about wounds people have they haven't healed.

When we are hurt by toxic people, we sometimes have the tendency to scan ourselves for flaws and mistakes and weaknesses.

We tend to blame ourselves and play the role of a harsh judge, usually with the good intentions to set things right, or the bad intentions of secretly looking down on ourselves.

We think that we are flawed when we get hurt.

Or that it must be because we misbehaved in some way or another.

But that's not always the truest conclusion we can draw.

What if it has nothing to do with us?

What if we don't even have to question ourselves for everything?

And what if it was only because of wounds the other person has? At least, in the largest part.

Imagine this.

You were in a fight with someone.

Blood is all over the place.

You are freaked out and your body hurts. And both of your bodies are bleeding.

The wise thing to do is to figure out where that blood comes from.

Why? So you can figure out where the wound is and heal it.

It makes sense to think this way.

But what if the blood you are seeing is not yours?

It means it is not your wound.

You would be trying to heal wounds that do not exist.

And you would exaggerate the blood flow of some of your wounds.

Or worse, you would open up wounds that are not bleeding and make them hurt again.

Why?

You are trying to heal a wound that is not yours.

Because you are trying to figure out what you did wrong/why someone hurt you.

Such a meaningless pursuit.

And maybe this is the flaw you have to work on: being too harsh on yourself and taking too much responsibility, more than what is healthy. Questioning yourself and internalizing the abuse as if it is a sign of your shortcomings.

Slowly on yourself.

Gently.

Have some compassion.

You need to trust yourself more.

Remind yourself that maybe the blood you are seeing is not yours.

They hurt you because they are hurting. Hurt people hurt people.

I regretfully confess that I did hurt some people and mistreated them just because I was already hurting because of something that had nothing to do with them.

So, think about it.

What if this "something" was trauma or a deeper psychological issue, and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Of course, I am not suggesting that you should excuse the toxic behavior just because it is not about you. But do realize that since it is not because of you, you do not have to question yourself because of it.

Do not take it personally.

Do not let it get to your heart.

The practical way you "do not take it personally" is about reminding yourself that you do not have to question yourself because of it.

It is their wounds, not your shortcomings.

This doe not mean you should not stand up for yourself. But with this mindset, you will feel stronger and more understanding.

You cannot control how a person feels about themselves and the world.

It is their issue. And it should not dictate how you feel about yourself and the world.

At the same time, it should not mean they can get away with anything just because they feel bad.

There is a balance between the wisdom that comes with empathy and the strength that you get from setting boundaries. Watch out who is bleeding; it does not always have to be you, and it does not always have to be about you.

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