You Can Help Me by Being Considerate.

“How can I help you through this?” is probably the most frustrating question to hear during a moment of helplessness. Imagine you have undergone a medical procedure that will create some formidable barriers to get through for a period of your life, not just for you but also for those who interact with you. The healing process involves giving up some everyday necessities and having to alter others. People are always telling you, “you’re so strong,” “you’re so brave,” “if anyone can do this, it is you.” After hearing this so often, it begins to root this feeling of being unable to tell people what you need to get through this difficult time. The inability to find the right way to ask for help stems from the fear of not being as strong or brave as everyone says you are.

Although these words are positive and are used to compliment, they also can build you up so high that when you need to come down, it seems as if there is no support in the world to help you get down, even for a minute. In your mind, you wonder, “what if they think I’m so strong, I don’t need help, and therefore, they are not going to be available to help.” “Will they see me as needy?” “They’ve told everyone how strong I am; I can’t let them know I need help.” “I don’t even know how they can help me; unless they can take away these feelings of (insert negative adjective).”

Asking for help is not the only crutch that comes with the mostly unsolicited build-up of pride. The ability to advocate for people to be considerate of you and what you are going through becomes the deciding factor of whether or not you socialize during this difficult time. While you have to alter your life in many ways, It seems unfair to ask those close to you to change their lives with you. But if they invite you somewhere, is it acceptable to ask or expect them to be considerate of the changes you have had to make? The answer is yes, it is OK, fair, and necessary for you, the person going through this challenging time, to ask or expect those wanting to be around you to be considerate of you.

While you are already treading water in a pool of discomfort, why would you push that discomfort even further? Knowing that the situation you will be walking into will not positively serve you at this time. The people who built you up to portray as “strong” and “brave” should also be willing to modify the activity they are inviting you to.

You are probably saying, “how do they know when to modify and when to leave it alone?” Well, one might think that if they know your temporary situation, they might be able to put themselves in your shoes.’ Doing this would prompt them to wonder how they might need to switch things up to accommodate them, and then they might use that to figure out ways to help you. Unfortunately, you cannot rely on all of your support team to channel what you need. You have to be comfortable in asking for consideration. For example, if you are on a strict diet for medical purposes, request that the dinner menu have something that not only you can eat but that everyone can enjoy as well.

The feeling of having to get through something on your own can take a toll on your mental health while creating a false idea of what independence is. Being independent does not mean you cannot ask for help. In my opinion, part of being independent is asking for help from the right people. The right people are those whose idea of your strength comes from their relationship they have built with you. They have witnessed you at your most vital moments, and they admire you for those moments. Their admiration will not fade if you choose to trust them in seeing you during your weak moments. If anything, they might grow more fond of the relationship between you and them.