You are what you Eat

I’ve heard the expression “you are what you eat” countless times, & I imagine the expression was referring to food & dieting. Or maybe not. But…

Leave it to me twist the phrase to fit my life.

Even though I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been (according to the scale), the diet I’m currently on is an emotional one.

While I was married to my abusive ex-husband, he controlled what I ate & how much I ate. He decided my portion sizes & when I had enough to eat, even when we went out on dates. He didn’t want to be seen with a woman “your size.” At that time, I was only a solid 121 pounds, maybe 128 soaking wet. I had delivered my son within the year that he & I met. I had managed to drop my baby weight & get back down to my high school weight. But it was still “too big.” My “diet” lasted for months.

Eventually, I spiraled into a deep depression & stopped eating. I lost weight. Since he could no longer control what I ate, he fed me something else.

Words.

I ate them day after day, night after night. They were nothing like skimpy amount of food I was allowed to eat before. They were fed to me in hefty serving size & in every variety possible. Some words were heavy enough to fill me, some were colorful. Others were hot & burned with the slightest contact while others were cold & chilled me enough to create an ice cold heart.

I was so full that on most days I felt like I would explode. I was miserable. You know, like the feeling you get when you overeat? Multiple times a day, he fed me even when I said I didn’t want anymore. Honestly. I didn’t want any of what I was being fed, but I was too exhausted to spit it out. So, I swallowed it. It’s like I could taste how bitter it was. The same man that used to feed me sweetness had suddenly turned sour. I hated the way he fed me. Most days I didn’t want to eat anything at all.

As I continued to eat his “food,” I became the negative words that he fed me. I became the negative thoughts he fed me. I became all the things that he made my heart & mind consume.

During the arguments & heated quarrels, I always remained quiet just so I didn’t appear to be hungry to him. You know what? It didn’t matter. He force fed me.

This happened so much so that I accepted this new diet from everyone that fed me. Though he was my primary source, he was no longer my only source of food.

The new diet I was forced to participate in slowed me down. It made me feel heavy. I didn’t seem to fit the apparel I once thought I looked good in. It was hard to carry the weight.

It didn’t take me long at all to figure out that this diet wasn’t the one for me.

Lessons This Diet Taught Me

1. If I don’t digest and excrete (rid myself) of these forced thoughts or words, I will eventually become everything others say I am or think towards me.

2. Just because it was said, doesn’t make it true.

3. I control what I eat. I have the power to go on a diet & avoid anything contrary to what my diet calls for. Don’t even allow substitutions.

I had to learn to let people know that I’m allergic to negativity — & I’m not eating the ideas, thoughts, or words they are cooking up.

You know what else? I shed 185 pounds after this diet.

I lost my biggest amount of weight the day I left him.

And…

Weight loss never felt so good!