Sometimes the past haunts you, but for your own sake, you need to try to move past it.
Do you ever think of me? I still think of you but I wish I didn’t. You still haunt my nightmares and have created a fear that is instilled inside me. I wish there was a drug that could erase your existence in my life. Then maybe I could revert back to the woman I use to be. To this day, there is still a fear that lurks inside my very being from what you did to me. It is a deep cloudy pool and every time I try to swim across or find a way around, all the nightmares start bubbling up again, engulfing me. There is no escape as I sink deeper and deeper into the dark water, begging if not praying, to be free.
But how do you escape from such trauma? You can't run from it, because it will always live inside you, taunting you. If you try to suppress it, it always reappears. I've finally faced there is no escape. You have to deal with it, so you can slowly start moving past it. Yes it will always be there but if you don't accept it, it will destroy you.
However, I hope you are having a hard time living with what you did to me, especially since I trusted you. But this would mean you would actually have to care about other people, which I don’t think is the case. You lack empathy and kindness. But you're selfish and manipulative. You can't even pretend to care about people because if you did you wouldn't be able to do that to someone. No one with morals could. Don’t use the excuse that you were drinking so you didn’t have a clear head. I know you knew what you did, and I think you are a despicable person. I believe you are proud of instilling this fear inside of me. You always loved being in control. Do you just not want people to see how much of a horrible person you are? I should have seen it. People warned me about you, but I didn’t listen. I used to see the best in everyone and I wanted to believe there was good in you. Now I’m scared to let anyone to close to me in fear that they will hurt me just like my own biological father and you did.
The fear is poison, trying to make me forget of the girl I used to be, creating a woman run by anxiety and depression. For a while there, I almost let the fear and depression take over me. I now have a wonderful son and daughter. For their sake, I realize I can’t let it take over because I have too much to live for. For the first time in a long time, I remember what happiness feels like. My children have created a overwhelming joy inside of me, erasing any sort of sadness that comes to mind. However, this just leaves me with questions. Why am I still letting you have any control over my life? I shouldn’t. It stops now. My kids showed me what it means to live again, and I want to become close to the woman I use to be for their sake and because honestly, I miss that girl. She was happy, outgoing and always saw the best in people. Plus I shouldn't let someone like you have the power to take those qualities away from me. I don't... no I won't... let what you did to me control my life anymore. I'm going to take it back because my kids and I deserve that.
To understand the present, I have to go back to the beginning.