Words They Couldn't Say

For years they struggled back and forth with their unspoken desire for each other, and for years it drained them both. To look at the person you want the most and be unable to tell them how you feel; to see in your mind's eye how good it could be and feel everything that is standing in the way; to be so afraid to shove the internal obstacles aside because you are top scared that to gain something wonderful you could lose everything instead.

Four years of sleepovers and movie nights. Four years of flowers after seeing her in musicals that he didn’t care for, he just wanted to see her grace the stage for even just five minutes. Four years of hearing him talk about his girlfriends all the while wishing he felt this way about her. Years of built up emotions, what ifs, and fictional scenarios playing out every night as they each fall asleep.

Their first year apart was an adventure neither of them wanted. 2,000 miles away they talked every day. At 3 AM, she would answer the phone knowing that it would be his voice on the other end. They would talk for hours and every day they would let each other know that they were loved and thought about. Every day.

She flew home and as she got off the plane, he was the first thing she saw. She ran, dropped her bag, and jumped into his arms. He picked her up and spun her around nearly falling to the ground as they laughed together, not wanting to let go. In a moment when their eyes met, they nearly let years of love pour out of them, but in an instant they couldn’t release the affection they had for each other. The ride home was filled with stolen glances and overjoyed smiles. The relief he felt having her home made him want to melt into her and give into everything that she made him feel. Seeing him again made her long to hold him and give in to everything he awakened inside of her.

Finally home together, they sat on the couch the way they used to before they left for college. As Star Wars was playing, they sat close together, her desperately wanting him to put his arm around her, him longing for her to put her head on his shoulder. They sat completely forward watching the screen, not wanting to risk the rejection of someone so close to their hearts.

They said goodbye at the door, she called his name but hesitated, wanting to say more. She brushed it off and watched him leave, wishing that she could have said more than: “drive safe.” He walked away from her thinking about how whenever he left her side he could still smell her perfume on him. He regrets not being able to say the words. Instead it comes out: “you look beautiful today.”

Alone they both sit and think of what could be if they could just get the words out; the words that could change everything. He reaches for his phone. It’s late but he knows that she’ll answer. When he hears her voice, he freezes, unable to articulate what he wants to tell her. She sits and listens to him breathe for a moment before telling him that she misses him; he returns the sentiment. She opens her mouth to express something deeper but she shies away from the possibilities and tells him goodnight. As her head hits the pillow, she is filled with longing and she dreams of his smile; the eyes that light up her day.

Again they are together without saying what they want to say. She closes the door behind him and finally something snaps within her. She opens the door where he is hesitating on the other side. He grabs her hips and pulls her into the deepest, most overdue kiss. In that moment, they both knew: they had shared the words they couldn’t say.