With a Little Help from my Friends

A while ago now, before the Covid-19 Pandemic forced the UK to go into a more official lock-down, I was having a conversation online with one of my closest friends, who feared the consequences of the virus and was letting her fear consume her. She was questioning everything she had achieved in her short life, whether it was worthy of any appraisal, and whether she could survive the virus. Whether she would have anything left to build once we all reached the other side, and possibly that was her biggest fear, her base instinct to assume that she would have nothing, be nothing.

I find it difficult in truth to have these conversations with some of my peers, because I’m always at a loss at what the right thing is to say, and especially with a pandemic, how do you tackle that? The scale of the situation was unprecedented, and I too felt a hopelessness and was unsure I could console her.

I love to write, and I find I write best when I’m being honest about what it is I feel. I tried my hardest to be candid with her about what we were facing, about how it would affect us, and how it was so so important to not grapple with the concrete nature of her identity being formed from everything she had ever achieved because such a mindset would eat her up from the inside out, and would only cause her to feel worse and ignore that we are all in some way malleable to change, and it could be positive. I seemed to reach her in some way, reassure her, so I wrote down a lot of what we talked about and I compiled it into this essay. It was a great release of almost internal pressure, to have my feelings down, and they seemed more genuine because the audience for those feelings was someone I trusted and cared about.

We began to talk about how ‘this’ ( Covid-19) could impact our lives and futures, and how it was important to not lose sight of everyone being affected in a similar way. The ‘future’ for me has always been daunting, only partially examined terrain because I (and I do not think I’m alone in this) am frightened of what there will be to find when I reach it, whether it will live up to my expectations or indeed, others. I didn’t want to focus too much on how daunting a prospect that was, especially in light of the real issue my friend was struggling with, frantically trying to figure out coping mechanisms for crisis, strategies that could enable her to not feel so trapped, so vulnerable.

So.

A brief pause to unpack her distress and figure out what to say -

I want a future and there have been times before in my life I have felt so hopeless I didn’t want a future at all. But I know I want life, and I want good things and I want to grow. I can’t be afraid of things if I want to do that and this pandemic, however severe, is not something I am going to worry about unnecessarily. if the worst happens it happens. I can’t, WE can’t just destroy ourselves and let it eat us up from the inside because we are already too afraid to live anyway. I’m not going to protest and walk around like a simpleton thinking I’m invincible and the virus can’t affect me, because it definitely can. But I’m not gonna let it take away my hope and you shouldn’t either.

Look at it as when we isolate, it’s giving us an opportunity for reflection, something that in the manic haze of everyday musings and dry cracked lips, exhausted smiles and lukewarm coffee we never get a spare moment to do. For those supposedly ‘Ordinary people’ If you could call them that, this crisis is only going to make those spasmodic routines all the more glorified as they sink into restlessness and fear, groping in the dark for something to grab onto because they don’t know how to thrive off of static. It’s that restlessness with the families that are swept off of their feet trying to keep their children occupied, or the people depending on minimum wage incomes to keep the bills paid, that are going to become only agitated and scornful of the very ideal of reflection, of time, because this time feels like a punishment of some kind.

There are individuals regardless of background who are inevitably going to grow bored, stupefied by the TV or by the cracks on the wall, who will perhaps tease the idea of breaking lock-down, just because they can’t see the danger as it hasn’t yet creeped into their personal lives, invaded their space. We all grow frustrated, but this lack of control will lead to only more hostility and anger between people, fracturing further the animosity towards government and leadership. Does reflection really have to be some dirty word, confined to the luxuries of more middle class people who can afford the time we are now being given in spades? Perhaps, because unfortunately meditation won’t make the problems go away. But it can start small, just taking a few minutes each day to breathe and to think, because thinking could save you from yourself as long as you don’t get eaten alive by festering fear.

Considering all the damage that has been done in the world it’s about time something like this happened to humanity. Of course, that is an argument for the status quo here and it is one I don’t entirely disagree with. From that logical standpoint, however, we can ignore the stark reality that such a blanket statement turns the dead, the loved, into numbers and figures, the needed collateral as we race to develop a vaccine and not the people who had no less of a right than the remaining to survive. The number of cases is only going to rise before it plummets, and people are going to die, they always do. It’s a grave and somber statement, but it gives no hope to those who have lost and to those who grieve, and that indifference could very well be the true tragedy of this pandemic. There are people who are, quite frankly, goons who deeply resent the idea that this is something we have to think about, but really we are all just walking around too busy not thinking. This shakes us up, puts us on alert, jolts us awake. This pandemic could get people in power and people in denial to consider how all of the things that happen, all the changes we see can impact everyone. ‘Could’ is the key word here, but I’m not about to hold out on having hope when it’s something that everyone needs right now.

From here the two of us began to talk about what might happen if the worst happens, and how we might lose out on gratifying experiences. She (my friend) said she ‘really wanted to fall in love again, I miss that feeling’. There was something almost raw about how she worded it, earnestly and with complete conviction, in that moment almost entirely convinced that she wouldn’t. ‘I feel like I’m going to die before I experience that again’ and she caught herself, apologizing for saying something so honest even though we knew each other so well, afraid of her own fear and almost loathing how it was that she felt. I couldn’t be there in person to help her work through these feelings of doubt and I wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone, and that though her feelings were completely valid, she couldn’t go on feeling this way so absolutely.

I miss the idea of having someone .Of feeling like I belong to someone. But it was a cure for loneliness for me and a form of validation. I wanted love too badly to see that what I had wasn’t it. I’m open to the idea of falling in love. I am just afraid of my true feelings being obscured again by fulfillment of some need that I shouldn’t have to satisfy. I need to figure out how to love being myself first for sure. It’s important to not get nostalgic about these feelings like we don’t have enough time left to embrace these moments and have authentic connections and transparent feelings with other people. We never realistically have all the time in the world to pursue those things yet still we do because it’s within our nature to look for those things, to look for something of ourselves in others, something communal. Those connections are miraculous in a way because we never really have enough time. But it doesn't mean that given the circumstances you don’t have any time at all. I believe we’ve got time, and it will be okay and I can't assure you of that for sure but we’ve got to hold on.

I couldn’t tell whether what I was saying was truly helpful, as she was still flustered, frantic, so I tried to be candid about all she had experienced so far. How it was worth it to look ahead and to see promise when her life had already been sculpted with something more delicate and valuable than simple clay, how she had enticed change and knowledge not only in herself but in others. Perhaps in doing so she had momentarily forgotten what it was to be human, to feel these things, to be guilty of the shame that she felt anything at all. Perhaps it was born of the realization that all of her art and ideas were refined by the very need to connect to what it meant to be human, to feel. All I knew was that she was afraid, and so was I.

I don’t want you to feel like that.

Not at all.

It’s difficult because I don’t know what’s going to happen but you have to evaluate the good you have in your life, you have had adventures, you’ve created art and contributed to platforms that heralded your voice with the outside world regarding you as fearless and invulnerable. You have overcome the obstacles you faced growing up, you are loved, you’ve laughed, you’ve studied things that were meaningful to you, that are, and you have pursued hobbies with others that shared in your love and were enraptured by it.

You have had beautiful messes too, but you have also had so much beauty. You’ve got to appreciate that you are living in the now and that things don’t have to evade you in the form of past tense. These next few weeks, months, things may be out on pause but that’s ok. You aren’t alone. Ever, really. Don’t be desperate and don’t give in because that isn’t enough for someone that has so much spirit and has had such an impact on people already. We are all going to die and that seems hysterical to repeat something that no matter how dark the times are it is often said, frequent echoes from different people.

But it’s true.

And this virus means some people if it didn’t exist would have had longer lives, would not have lost loved ones before their time. Be logical. That is the reality of this pandemic. That will happen. But only for some. Not all. We are in a western country and we have had so much privilege, so much that we have been able to be protected from. And we are being faced with challenges now, but we will survive. I know we will. And I know you will and you can. Don’t let this consume you. Let it make you think about things and how things in your life are, but not with pressure, think organically and think positively. Have hope.

It’s such a gift to be able to have these sorts of conversations with people, and I knew we both felt gratitude at being able to be open and willing to talk about our feelings. We’re still so young, and time and time again we forget that or take it for granted, but now we are just forsaking that element of who we are, feeling the threat of something ending more so than we ever did before. It hurts almost to have to think about that, not even into our twenties and feeling a sense of anticlimax as we are all drawn into worry and anxiety, a strange bitter aftertaste when we haven’t even drunk our fill.

Speaking like this helps, it helps me to stay grounded and connected to my friends, and to not worry so much about having absolutely nothing, because that is absolutely not true of my situation, at least. It helps me register that there are places in the world where suffering and torment continues that has nothing to do with the virus, that people struggle and still war's wage on, whether they be encased within four walls or whether the casualties lay sprawling across a vast landscape thick with dust and decay.There is poverty and there is never really peace, but there are those who are willing to fight for it even now, with many for example donating to charitable causes to ensure that the wheels keep turning during this time and that people get fed and not forgotten.

This is bigger than us. Bigger than all of us.

DON’T. Allow that to make you feel insignificant. You aren’t, you do matter. Talk to one another, and listen, even if you don’t think there’s anything worthwhile being said. To close yourself off is too much of a burden and we’re only human. It does us no good. As I find solace trying to create at home and trying to think with some clarity, we should all continue talking and learning, and having conversations.

We should all keep being honest in the face of danger, together even if we are so very, very far apart.