Will I Ever Love Again?

Everybody has a story tell and its only a matter of time before the truth comes out. My story is pretty truthful and until I started putting it on paper, I was afraid to tell my story. It started early in life, I was bullied all through school until I met my best friend in tenth grade. I felt like a popular kid when I met her. We became inseparable really quickly and we have been friends ever since, even became moms together, just like we always wanted to. When I was a junior in high school, I met my boyfriend bubba and we dated for five years. Things got pretty rough for us after two years. His family, as much as I loved them, were very dysfunctional. Things got worse when we moved in together and even worse when we moved out the apartment and broke up. I started a new job at a small restaurant and that’s where I met him. The man that changed my life forever.

The first time we fought, he didn’t speak to me for a week. It was horrible. I had fallen in love with him pretty quick and little did I know, that love would make me never believe in love again. The first time he hit was unexpected and he swore it would never happen again, until it did. I never knew what I did to deserve everything that I was put through and no matter how much stronger it made me. It turned into a scorned, heartbroken woman who would never love again. He beat me for three years and stalked me for the last five since I had my daughter. Last year, I finally got up enough courage to file for full custody of my daughter and I won. For the first time, I have peace in my life because he has actually left me alone. I knew when I got pregnant that my daughter would be safer without him in her life and I made sure that it was the best decision for her. I would never have trusted him to be alone with him. He might have hurt her and I would have never forgiven myself for it.

My daughter is my pride and joy and when I became a mom, I swore I would always protect her. He never looked like a monster until he was. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I have never been in such fear more in my life than when I was alone with him. He scared me and I loved him in a way that I will never understand. I still have so much that I need to work on within myself, things that he took away that I may never get back. I will never understand the trauma that I was put through and why I allow myself to be put in a situation this horrible. I know one thing is for sure though, I will never be put in that situation again and if that toxic relationship has taught me one thing and that’s to be more cautious. Love is not a maybe thing and he loved me when it was convenient for him or when he wanted something. I never loved someone as much as I loved him. I gave all my love to him and effort to him. I gave him my heart and my soul, he destroyed it all. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to destroy my love and my heart? The very things I held near and dear to me and he took them away. I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for what he has done, but I want to forgive and forget someday. Maybe on that day, I could finally let go and move on.