I always thought that I’m fine with being alone, that I am happy. I always thought that I can survive all alone, but as I sit here thinking to myself, maybe I am not okay. Maybe I just somehow adapted and made peace with the idea that I’m not good enough for someone to love.
Maybe I’m good, too good, at pretending that I’m fine that in itself became my sad reality, and now maybe I am longing within myself to be loved by someone, to share my life with someone. But is it too late, have I missed my chance on happiness pushing everyone away by my own self-hate?
Is there maybe still a chance on happiness? How will I know if there is if I can’t let go of my own insecurities? Or am I just scared to get hurt, or that I would hurt someone? Am I just afraid to take a chance on what the world has to offer? I have all these questions, but no one to share my feelings with. Is this going to be my life, a life of wondering what could have been, a life with unanswered questions? I hope someone will notice me and will be able to love me for who I am, but indeed there is hope…
Or could this be a punishment? I would not like to think so, but maybe it could be. Maybe I am just too picky. It could also be this country I live in, South Africa. My entire life, it has been my home, but I never actually liked it. I always dreamed of living in Ireland, but I've been watching this series of people living in America, and that seems nice. Unfortunately I am too broke as hell to think of moving, so I will always be this sad, lonely, South African queer.
I met this guy on Grindr the other day. We talked, and it seemed that I liked him a bit and he liked me, so we decided to meet. He came to my place, and we went for a walk on the beach. He started telling me of all his past relationships and how much it will mean if things would work out between us, but then I got the strangest feeling that it would never work because in my mind, I could not see us together.
Well we went back to my place and had some coffee, we talked and then he wanted to kiss me, and that is where I realized my feeling was right. I don’t see him in my future, nor will I ever be able to say that I will have any feelings for him. So that is then when I decided to end it before it could have begun.
That is just the way I am. I must be able to see my life with that person and I must be certain that I would be able to say "I love you." I never really could say "I love you" to a guy before, actually to anyone. It’s just because love must be real. A relationship must be built on real love, not the fantasy of love and happy life. So yes, I hope I will find that person that one day can bring out of me the words, "I love you." Maybe then I will have real happiness.
Thinking about my past relationships, I now realize that I always wanted it to work, wanted it to be that special person, but it never worked because I never could say "I love you" to my partners. Maybe if I stayed, maybe if I tried and pretended, I could have learned to love, maybe not.
I will now listen more to my inner voice.