My Worst Date
My Worst Date

Why You Should Never Go On a Date if You Fear Dying


Why You Should Never Go On a Date if You Fear Dying
flickr: Recycledstardust

A few years ago I was working at my hotel on a quiet Sunday morning. An extremely attractive man, think Bradly Cooper hot, came over from the restaurant to steal some of the lobby coffee. He was super hot, I wasn't going to stop him. I started my friendly customer service chatter "Good morning, how are you?" with some fake smiles and laughs. We had friendly banter for a few minutes. As he was walking away I said, "Have a good day!" He stopped and came back to the desk. Apparently, that was a trigger of some kind. He asked me how old I was (22 at the time) and told me I "didn't look a day over 16." Red flag #1. He then went on to tell me how beautiful I was and asked if he could take me to dinner. I said "yes" against better judgment. Again, you do not say "no" to Bradly Cooper's twin. You just don't. He stayed for awhile and went and sat on the edge of the front desk. He looked at me and said, "Ask me what I'm doing," so I did. His response was "Staring at you." Red flag #3. He left and 15 minutes later I walked into the office to look at my phone. I had received two text messages and voicemail from him saying "He'd never felt this way about anyone." Red flag #4 with big flares!

I still went on the date. We decided to meet at Macaroni Grill. I had put my friends on call knowing I might end up in the trunk of this guy's car. Ladies, if you ever think you could be kidnapped or murdered on a date, just don't go. We walked in and everything seemed fine until the hostess went to seat us. We walked to the first table, however, "the lighting was no good." This happened three more times. Ten minutes later we found a table that was "perfect" by his lighting standards. I ordered water not wanting to have any alcohol in my system when he decided to kidnap me. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the evening:

Him: "Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "I just don't currently. Why aren't you seeing someone?"

Him: "I am married... well, currently separated. My wife can't imagine raising children with me because she thinks I'm bipolar. I'm not sure if I am or not. I think I'll get evaluated but not tell her the results."

My thought: What have I gotten myself into?

Him: "I'm sorry I keep staring at your forehead."

Me: "Ummm, I guess that's OK?"

Him: "I just keep picturing you as a little girl fixing your bangs in the mirror. Did you have bangs as a little girl?"

Me: "At one point, yes..."

Him: "I thought so..."

My thought: Oh god, I'm going to die tonight.

Him: "Do you have any Scandinavian ancestry in you?"

Me: "I think I might..."

Him: "I knew that's why I'm crazy about you."

Let's just say the date lasted an hour and I got away as fast as I could. Never heard from him again and never tried to talk to him again. Then about seven months after that, he and his WIFE came to eat at the restaurant attached to the hotel with their baby. Not only did they come and sit in the lobby, he actually said "hello" to me and waved. Was I an idiot to go on that date? You better believe it. Have I learned to trust my instincts? You better believe it. Is it an entertaining story to tell? Absolutely.

It is still the #worstdateever.

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Jessica Blake
See all posts by Jessica Blake