Why Love is so hard

I am a bit of a romantic. I have always imagined following the rules of experiencing 3 loves and by the time I got to my third love I would be ready for a ring and kids. As it turns out that is all a fairy tale. I have experienced my fair share of heartbreak and have consistently cried at home after the break ups. I have romanticized relationships that were the least romantic and maybe slightly toxic. I have definitely tainted my view on what love should be.

It all started while I was in junior high. I was always crushing on the boys that had no idea that I existed. I had this toxic idea of crushing on an unobtainable boy. Since then, I had this weird obsession with concurring the unobtainable gentlemen and then being more attracted to them as they pull away in the relationship. It took a lot for me to get a grasp on my unhealthy ways and I am still trying to concur them daily.

Essentially the first man(Thomas), I was in love with was in High school and it was the typical prepubescent love that we would all think of. Except for the fact that this guy and I were nothing but mean to each other. It was a wicked attraction sort of flirting. Essentially, my first sexual experience and romantic experiences all were centered around rude and alternative interactions. In our mutual classes, we would insult each other. Outside of class and in the school parking lot he would grab my behind and my breasts and make comments regarding them being fake. Eventually, after many years of sexual tensions and him consistently dating women that were not me. We finally started a relationship. You would think that a Straight A Student would know more than to get into a relationship with a man who was sexual with myself outside of his other relationships, but I was naive. As we all can expect, the flame burned fast and hard. And everyone in the school was shocked because as 2 people that were so toxically mean to each other started to date. Then as we all can expect. He cheated on me.

I was so hurt after the cheating and the only way I knew how to hurt him was to tell him I had feelings for someone else. I had a friendship blooming with someone who I now consider to be my very best friend and who taught me a lot of wonderful things. This friend was also my Thomas's enemy in high school terms. Essentially they were always in competition for things, thus he was the best person to switch my feelings attention over to. Steven and I had and instant click and our friendship was impeccable. I truly do believe at some point, I am going to marry him. I always struggled with my feelings for Steven. I knew that I loved him as a friend and he was such a good guy. I could always see a future with him and feel completely comfortable with him. I always knew that there was a what if, but that is for down the road and he will always be a close friend.

The next guy, is Nathan. This is the guy that I dated my freshman year of college. I was so happy in this relationship. I enjoyed the new cultural experiences he brought to me. I also enjoyed being in a relationship. We spent ideally every day Monday-Friday together in my dorm and did most activities together. It was going well and I really thought I was in love when I was in the relationship. I virtually spent the most time with this guy. Yet this was a convenient relationship and was definitely just lust. I should have seen the toxic signs, because every time one of my friends referred to him as my boyfriend he got really defensive and did not like the title. I dismissed it. Then like clock work, later that summer, I was cheated on and had all the proof on twitter.

I was not quite ready to date when I came back to school that fall, but then I was asked out on a date by Jared. I went on the date and it was honestly okay. I was in turmoil over it because I was honestly not ready to date at all. Jared was persistent and was honestly giving me attention and saying words to me that them past relationships had not. This relationship started off great. It caught me by surprise and on paper he was perfectly my type. He enjoyed going out, was athletic, was super tall, and was southern. I was in aw. Each day he kept showing me how much he cared and would do small little things for me that were amazing. And then the relationship took a turn for the worse. It honestly came to the point where we were extremely toxic. I was being used for money and was being isolated from all of my friends. We were even at his sisters wedding, where we had to leave early and drive 4 hours back for him to scream at me in the car ride back. He took credit for all of my accomplishments and then wanted to continue to isolate me from every one. I eventually had to get out, and what I thought was love was definitely not love at all, it was his form of ownership.

After that relationship I went through a series of hookups and friends with benefits because I was so scared from the relationship and had no idea what I even wanted. My heart and my body could not handle the control.

Then, Alec came along. Alec surprised me. I originally wanted him to be the next friends with benefits. On our first date we sat at a coffee shop at talked for over 3 hours. After that day there was not a single day for almost 5 months in which we did not talk form sunrise until midnight. We clicked. It felt like he was my best friend and someone I could easily see myself with. It was easy being together. We could talk about almost anything other than our feelings. Memorial day weekend came along and he found out that he was getting stationed 5 hours away from where we lived. We went out with his friends and had a fun night out. He was touchy feely which he normally is when he drinks and would not let go of my hip. He would constantly tell me how I was his and I thought it was the most endearing thing. When we got to his place that night he was really upset with his roommate for talking to me (weird). I sat him down in his room and told him that I was in love with him and only him. And I was instantly shut down and I was told that he liked me. The rest of our relationship was rocky and we broke up and decided to be friends before we rekindled in October before my birthday and his final goodbye before his move away. In the end he finally admitted to me that he used me to see what he wanted out of future relationships. To this day, he misses me and I miss him. He became someone, I deeply care about and I will always wonder what if?

I am in the process of moving on and putting these past loves in my past. I am also developing a safe and simple relationship. I am focusing on myself and where I want to go in my future relationship.