If I was 21 again and was sat in front of my current self now, 26, no kids, not even close to dating anyone, no social life, stressed, anxious, happy...but not happy enough, tired, self-conscious, lonely, SINGLE..... I think I honestly would be completely and utterly confused. At 21 I genuinely believed I would have kids by 25, be settled down, loving a cute chocolate man, him absolutely adoring the floor i walked on, a nice house, driving a cute car, decent job, be finished university. Oh how that is so far from reality. See the truth is, for a long time I seeked validation through having my shit together. Every aspect of my life was about how other people viewed me, and seeing old school friends having their 2nd-3rd child, settled down, with a beautiful family. Not once did i think... Lois... this is YOUR life and that is theirs.. your two completely different people....
"Whys is a girl like you single?" was asked about 50,0000000000 times to me over the course of a couple years and it still baffles me. "A girl like you.." what about me? I'm so normal and not special in the slightest right? I told myself that as i cried because another person couldn't bare to put up with me for more then a week, leaving me concerned, confused, questioning my person.. questioning me. Am i good enough? Can i make ANYONE happy? What is wrong with me? Why do my friends have partners & I don't? I'm jealous. I am So jealous.
Jealous of what you ask? Loving. I'm jealous no one loves me. I'm jealous no one wants me ..for me. I'm jealous I cant have one person to myself. I'm jealous they will grow old together and still love each others wrinkly faces. I am jealous. But why? I know my personality, I know I am loving, caring, funny, kind-hearted, romantic, affectionate, witty, strong and so many other positive things! WHY AM I SINGLE AND JEALOUS AND ALONE!?
I will tell you why. I struggle with self-confidence in areas that may be misunderstood by other people. I don't feel confident about being single. I don't embrace it. I worry. I scare myself with the " your going to die alone" talk most days. I seek people out and latch on to those who i know full well aren't for me, but there someone! SOMEONE. I commit to people who couldn't care less about what I dream about, what i aspire to be, how i'm feeling that day, what my thoughts are on global warming. I change myself for people just because they show interest in me for a day. I admit.. I crave attention. Its not the usual attention most people crave, I don't need validation of my looks or body, its the attention of someone listening to me. Someone just being there. I just want someone.
And here lies the issue that many people feel who are single at an age where society makes you think your doing everything wrong relating to dating, settling down, finding a wife or husband...They fear their own company. I fear my own company. Learning to love myself enough for the both of us as Jhene Aiko exclaims is such a line that sticks with me daily now. I need to learn to be completely alone and happy. I figure it will be hard, but i am confident that life will become so much more free. I feel constrained to live up to the societal norms of finding a partner, having kids, and committing for eternity. The pressure has got too much too quick and its hard. I know I am not the only one feeling like this, its a weird topic to talk about as you don't want to be seen as desperate, clingy and just overly intense to other people who potentially could be 'the one', (whatever that means). But fuck it, I love myself, but not nearly as much as I need to.
Be yourself, be who you want to be, live with a warm heart and never take for granted those who teach you lessons, even if those lessons hurt. Be thankful for who you are, congratulate yourself for being so fucking amazing. Everyone is on a journey of whatever life is, so never feel like your journey is not relatable to someone, somewhere. Your wanted, Your cherished, your thought about & your missed. That person who feels all those things without a shadow of doubt is, you. So by taking my own advice I am giving to you.. Live. Be free. Enjoy your world.. your the one living it. Anyone who pays a visit will teach you something, some people will stay some will go, time is just a concept... so in theory there is no time to waste, there is no time to rush, and if your feeling like me, worried about being single..., you will find someone who will show you a whole new world eventually, nothing good comes from seeking new planets.
Lois Cherie xoxo