WHY I FEEL LIKE I WILL REMAIN SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

I have been toying with the idea of writing about my dating experiences for quite some time already. However, I have never got down to actually sitting in front of my laptop and starting to write. I have a lot to share. Mainly because a lot of my close friends think of me as a serial dater – really someone who dates on a commercial scale. To be honest, I have lost count of how many dates I have had since the first time I discovered my attraction to the same sex – men. I remember that I have tried to figure it out on several occasions with the help of my close friends. All we could come up with was an estimate of what would roughly constitute enough passengers to board 4 Ryanair planes at full capacity. Given that Ryanair has a fleet of the narrow-body BOEING-737 jets that can accommodate up to 215 passengers, this would put the estimate at 860 men. However, at this point in my life, it is a bit unclear whether this number is overexaggerated or not; and therefore, I would I ask you to take this piece of information with a pinch of salt. However, that’s enough of digressing from the topic. What I want to focus on in this short article is my despondency vis-à-vis dating in any kind of form we are used these days, be it romantic dates, sex dates or just casual meet-ups over coffee that turn, in most cases, into sex dates anyway.

I must admit that the recent developments in 2020, particularly the outbreak of COVID-19 or my recent knee injury, have led to become more reflective about my dating choices and the superficiality associated with dating apps. Just pause for a minute and think about it – the current dating system (if I may call that way) – has turned most of us into superficial human beings, myself included (some of us to a greater extent than others). Whichever dating app you use, be it Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Happn, or the worst one of all Grindr (even though that one doesn’t label itself as a dating app anymore), make us look for our perfect match, or the one if you will, based on the photos they upload on their profile. This way, we sift through hundreds of profiles trying to find ‘the hottest match’, mostly not focusing on what the person wrote about himself in his bio or what their personality could be like.

I have had my fair share of moments when I had spent hours perfecting my bio, so as to reflect what kind of person I am and what values I find endearing. However, to my disappointment, I learnt that most of my matches on Tinder couldn’t be bothered to click on my profile and scroll down below my photos to read the description I had worked so hard on. I assume that some of you would say that I should feel flattered that my nicely shot photos of my face are enough to land a considerable number of matches and that I should not take the app too seriously anyway. Some would perhaps even suggest that I should see it more as a game. Nonetheless, I do take it seriously and oftentimes also personally when my match does not take the time to get acquainted with all the contents of my profile. This is mainly for the following reasons:

1. I do not want people to like me only for my looks but to also find me interesting as a human being. This is then more conducive to establishing a lasting connection.

2. It only takes a few seconds and it is the least the person can do. Especially, if I have done the same with their profile.

3. I believe that if they care only about my photos, they are not in it for the long run. They are in it just for a one-off sex date or a date that unsurprisingly leads to sex. I will get back to this point a bit later.

With modern dating, it is hard to get out of the never-ending cycle of first dates. The way I perceive it is that – the person I go on a first date with is simultaneously talking to/seeing other people he has matched with on Tinder or another dating app. Therefore, I already go into the date with the idea in my head that this won’t lead anywhere, possibly even responding to messages from other matches on my way to the date. Pre-disappointed, I meet the guy and really do not expect much. Even if the date turns out to be enjoyable, I already do not expect a second one, assuming that the person has already dates with other people scheduled in the upcoming days. This way, I return home and do not text the guy even if I like him so as not to appear vulnerable. If he texts me, I do respond but I usually expect it to be the last message I’ll ever receive from him and move on. It is time to talk to the next match and perhaps get emotionally ready for tomorrow’s date with someone else. And most likely, a similar scenario will ensue.

There are times when I decide to break this pattern and text the guy; but that usually proves me right in the sense that I do not get the impression that the guy is super crazy about me based on his one or two-worded replies and no follow-up questions; which subsequently leads me to revert to my original strategy. It is sort of a manner of protecting myself, building a wall between me and a stranger who could possibly leave me feeling hurt.