Why I don't manifest anymore
Dating in your 20s in the 20s
I was 18 when I had my first heartbreak. The most antagonizing component of having someone dump you was the feeling of being completely powerless. Why did this happen? Would he come back? Would someone else come? When? I found myself looking for answers and I was incredibly impatient.
I called a psychic.
I had never been to a psychic before. My mom had gotten her tea leaves read when she was in her twenties and the woman told her she would be meeting my father. My dad had his palms read in his twenties and the woman told him he'd meet my mom. Now, twenty six years later, they are still married with three kids. So, I found myself drawn to the idea of getting a heads up on what the future holds.
What the psychic told me resonated. I was shocked at the accuracy of what of her predictions. But here's the catch, at 18 I filled in the blanks with what I assumed fit the puzzle. At 24, I now look back and realized those weren't the correct pieces. What my psychic told me was true, however, in my vulnerable state I tried to create a narrative that would "fix" my emptiness.
I still go to psychics. It has sort of become part of my break up ritual. It's how I start "turning a new leaf". But, somewhere along the way, I got mixed up in other forms of spirituality. And unfortunately, it became a little toxic for me.
Around two years ago, I started to dabble in manifestation. Repeating mantras and writing sentences to control my future?! It was a dream come true for an anxious control freak. I opened up my journal and began writing 3-6-9 manifestations. "He loves me. He reaches out to me. He called me to tell me he still has feelings."
When that didn't work as well as I wanted, I started to get manifestation candles. "Come to me" and "Sweeten him up" were my favorites. Soon, I was looking up easy spells to cast. Every time a boy wronged me and caused me tears and anxiety, a candle was lit and phrases were repeated. It started to become a security blanket. I was longing for control over things that could not be directly controlled. I was Oedipus about to make a terrible discovery.
Now whether spells, manifestation, crystals, and psychics "work" or not is very subjective. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that they do or don't. All I know is that my relationship with them became very toxic. I kept hoping that if I got caught up with a guy that mistreated me, I could change him with a red candle and a journal. I started to excuse the gas lighting and manipulation. I was trying to justify bad behavior under the guise of my predicted future from tarot cards and horoscopes. He was a liar but it was only because the moon was at a certain angle and once this sign was at this point in the sky he would realize he loved me and all would be well.
It took a big wake up call. He slapped me in the face with a truth I could not ignore. I was in a bad situation, I had to get out, ACTUALLY help myself, and stop relying on my obsessive controlling habits.
I retired my candles, my manifestation journal, and tarot cards. Instead, I went to relationship coaching, doubled up on therapy, opened my poetry journal back up and stopped trying to control other people to try to create a happy ending. I put my trust back into the universe and most importantly MYSELF.
I still love the stars and the moon and the power they hold. I still believe that you have the power to create the future you want. I still believe in soulmates and twin flames. Sometimes, I even still read my horoscope. But I no longer use these things as a security blanket.
Happy Pink Moon, don't expect it to be your genie in a bottle, but do enjoy it's beauty. The universe is powerful and so are you, which is why you have to stay healthy and happy.
About the Creator
Marlena Anna
I am a 24 year old hopeless romantic that enjoys writing. Whether it be expressing emotion through songs or poetry, I enjoy the power of words.
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