Why Does Maintaining Friendships as You Get Older Become So Much Work?

In my 20’s, I had a slew of friends. Then, as I got older, they dropped off for various reasons. Now, I can count my close pals on one hand. And even those relationships are sometimes difficult to navigate.

I schedule a video call every few months with my one remaining childhood friend. I am still in contact with a few that I met in high school, but she is the only person I regularly keep in touch with from childhood.

I look forward to these calls, and dread them at the same time. I know I should keep up the friendship, but why? That is what I ask myself every time these meetups occur.

On the one hand, she is a super smart, genuinely kind person who wants to be my friend, not because of what I can do for her, just simply because she cares. That is a rarity these days, when it seems like everyone has an agenda.

On the other hand, we disagree politically, sometimes radically. One time, I got so upset, I was wondering if either one of us would show up for the next call. We did, and I was able to steer the conversation away from politics and world events.

Still, trying to navigate a minefield every time we talk gets a little exhausting. Not to mention, finding things to discuss for 45 minutes that is deeper than the weather. You can only reminisce and talk about the kids for so long,

I rationalize it this way: Few people know you from childhood, and the history you share is priceless. They remember when your parents were still alive. They remember the summer camps you attended together and the tennis matches you endured when both of you still had good knees.

By knowing your history, they can help you navigate life’s curves better than say, someone who hasn’t seen you at your worst, or what you’ve been through.

When I was ready to throw in the towel on this friendship after a particularly heated political debate, my son wisely said to me, “Why do you want to throw away a friendship just because you disagree politically?”

He’s right. You don’t have to agree with your friends on everything. And as mature adults, can’t we put our differences aside and not internalize every single remark someone makes?

I mean, isn’t that a sign that as humans, we’ve evolved and matured enough to accept people for who they are?

This Reddit thread surmises that friendships become more difficult after age 30, because of “work and crushing responsibilities” that take most of your time.

This comment hit close to home for me:

“Not to mention that the weekends is the only time I have to take care of chores and run errands. It makes balancing a social life pretty hard. Somethings have to give every once in a while. That’s why I try to focus my time on the people that matter the most to me.”

That’s how I feel. There is so little time to allocate towards socializing, that I feel like we should pick and choose how we spend it.

When I had all those superficial friendships in my 20’s, I had loads of time, because my only responsibility was to myself. And honestly, I was happy some of them fell by the wayside.

I no longer frequent bars or nightclubs, and that was the crux of our social life back then. Instead of basing a friendship on who was available to be the designated driver, I gravitate towards people who really care about me and vice versa. That is quite a shift in priorities, and honestly, for the better.