Why Do You Keep Saying ‘I’m Fine’ When You’re Not?

If you asked my dad how he was doing even when he wasn’t doing well, he would say he was “pretty fair.” That was his catch-all response when deep down, I don’t think that was true at all. I don’t think he was as happy as he could have been. I think my mom used to be happy. She was outspoken so we knew when something was on her mind.

At times when someone says, “I’m fine,” they probably aren’t really fine, but the alternative of complaining about something doesn’t sit well so that response sounds better.

Years ago, I was being asked how I was doing under an emotional circumstance and I said, “I’m fine.” She then said to me, “I bet you always say that.” We looked at each other and I knew what she meant and she knew why I said it. It’s a catch-all response to cover up how you’re really doing in the deep inside.

If you really are doing fine, then you might say “I’m doing great!” because sometimes you really are fine and people may not believe you.

Why do we pretend we’re fine when we aren’t?

1. We avoid our real feelings

2. We try hard to convince ourselves we’re fine

3. A confrontation may not be worth it

Nobody’s life is perfect. Nobody who is human will judge you if you’re not doing fine.

1. It’s okay to tell someone you’re not happy

2. It’s okay to admit you’re not perfect

3. It’s okay to be disappointed

4. It’s not okay to keep avoiding the things that haunt you

Stop staying 'it’s okay' if it really is not okay

You don’t have to self-sacrifice a choice you want just to please someone else. This routine of going along with a decision because you don’t want to cause potential conflict is a bit silly. You have value, your choice is important too.

We shouldn’t be okay with not being honest with ourselves.

Are you being civil because you don’t want a confrontation, or because you’re not comfortable dealing with an issue that exists between you and a friend? There are ways to have an open discussion unless you absolutely know there’s no measure of productivity there. Your choices:

1. Let it go (if you choose this, you really have to let it go)

2. Face the subject head-on and talk about it

3. Store it on your ladder rungs of one disappointment after another until you reach the top and basically explode

I’m a perfectionist so I believe I have to handle everything by myself. My dad was the same way. You take care of your own problems.

I loved my parents but my emotional needs weren’t met which is probably why I generally say, “I’m fine.” I learned over time to not expect my needs to be met. It’s also more convenient for others if I don’t talk to them about what bothers me, at least that was my catch-all practice. I also believe, however, that not everything is up for discussion — sometimes you want to think.

Subjects I wanted to discuss when I was younger were generally put in the back seat. Then I graduated thoughts to the passenger seat. Now I’m in the driver’s seat because I effectively process thought and gauge whether something is worthy of a meaningful discussion or not. I have to assure myself I’m not overreacting emotionally which I used to do years ago. I’ve learned to keep still and quiet and think. It’s so much easier to let go of things now.

Stop saying nothing is wrong

A few years ago, Why Women Say Nothing is Wrong When Something is Clearly Wrong was published in GQ Magazine. So what if it’s a guy’s magazine; the article was written by a smart woman, Sophia Benoit. Okay, I assume Sophia is smart because her piece was in GQ and she articulates extremely well. I also agreed with much of what she wrote.

An implication in the article is that women are conditioned to keep their feelings to themselves so they’re not labeled as wacko. Remember the phrase, “psycho b*tch” — a catch-all phrase for saying, “I don’t really want to hear about what’s bothering you.” And you’re thinking right, thanks for being the supportive person in my life that you clearly are not.

As a woman, you get good at shrinking down your emotional needs and expectations, just to make sure you don’t come across as ‘crazy.’ Is this depressing? Yes. But it’s also why, sometimes, when you ask a woman what’s wrong, she might keep her mouth shut lest she get labeled ‘high-maintenance.’ (Source.)

Sometimes when you say you’re fine, you might be

As you gain more life experience, you process thoughts with a level of maturity that you wish you had when you were in your 30s — I’m assuming you wish this because I sure do. Learning when to keep silent instead of spewing out a lot of unproductive words was something I learned over years.

Sometimes I say “I’m fine,” because I know in a few days, weeks, or a month, I will be. And as Benoit wrote in her article,

…she might have decided that it’s simply not worth the energy it takes to sit down and have a discussion about what she feels ….Your needling her to tell you what’s wrong is only going to require more energy from her, not less.

In your mind, and with any situation, not just with partner relationships, you ask yourself, is it even important if I bring this up? You have to take into consideration the people you’re talking to, annoyed with, disappointed with, whether it’s productive to bring up the subject that is pinching your brain.

You learn to deal with it on your own. It might turn out it wasn’t that big of an issue as time goes on. BUT, in another vein, you (male or female) should not feel uncomfortable talking about something that is on your mind. It’s a mature discussion, right?

What happens if you want to have a discussion?

1. The person you’re talking to might get defensive (and you’re wondering why that is happening when you’re just wanting to have a discussion). So you just learned that you have to tip-toe or be careful how you word your comments just to avoid that responsive behavior. This can be a reason why you start to say, “I’m fine.”

2. Avoidance is another response you might receive. There’s always a reason why the discussion has to wait. Doesn’t that make you feel those feelings that are important to you aren’t important to the person who is avoiding the discussion? You just learned another lesson about that person.

3. Here’s an example. For months, you do the grocery shopping and you request help bringing in the bags when you return from the store. You keep asking and it never happens. It’s a fair request because you probably do the cooking too. You finally stop asking and resign yourself to the fact it’s not going to happen and that’s a rung on the ladder of disappointment that could continue to grow. You start saying you’re fine when you aren’t.

Sometimes you really are fine and your thoughts aren’t up for discussion

I’ll be the first to admit for years I was an emotional thinker. I had to learn objectivity. I had to blend my brain in with some logical thinking. In other words, I had to extract emotion from my decision-making and stop thinking with my heart about everything.

Saying “I’m fine” can also be a legitimate response. When I’m processing thoughts, my expression might appear as though something is wrong when I’m only thinking. When I’m thinking, I tend to be silent. That behavior could come off as if something is wrong.

Thank you for reading. If you couldn’t make it through reading the whole piece, I’m fine with that.

© Cathy Coombs