Why Do Girls Choose Bad Boys?

As a mother, I want my children to experience every activity that I enjoyed as a kid. Two winters ago, a friend of mine invited my children and I, along with some other friends, to their lake house for the weekend. I was so excited for my kids to experience anything that they hadn’t experienced before. My friend texted me the night before and reminded me to get ice skates for the kids. When we arrived, I was hesitant because I had ice skated before but it was always in an indoor ice skating rink. There were already people ice skating on the frozen lake without a care in the world. I asked the host if the lake was frozen solid enough and he assured me that it was. My kids were already excited so I decided to just go with the flow and make sure my mommy spidey senses were activated. What can I say? I can be a bit overprotective. When we arrived, I was surprised to see so many people. My kids grabbed their ice skates out of the car, immediately kicked their shoes off, and got prepared to fall because none of them had ever ice skated before. Nonetheless, their enthusiasm gave them all the courage they needed. I gave the kids a perimeter to stay within and I took a seat with some of the adults. Just as I grabbed my cup of hot chocolate, I saw a guy walking towards me. He was tall and walked with confidence. As he got closer I recognized him and I was in shock. He was no longer the skinny, nerdy, glasses-wearing high school classmate that I used to know. Once he realized I recognized him, he smiled showing beautiful pearly whites that seemed to be whiter than the snow that was surrounding us. We hugged and looked at each other in amazement as we had both changed. His change was a bit more noticeable than mine. We started to reminisce about high school and I remembered how he used to walk slightly hunched as if he was embarrassed to be so tall. He rarely looked people in the eye when he spoke unless it was a close friend, he wore drabby clothes and he took pride in his education. We had a lot of classes together and every time we saw each other in the hallways, we exchanged salutations.

I told him how good he looked and how I was proud of him. He said thank you and too bad I didn’t give him a chance in high school. I was confused because he never tried to make a move on me in school. I said exactly that and he replied that he thought I was smart enough not to choose bad boys over good guys like him. He went even further by saying that’s why I was a single mom and he dodged a bullet. Yes, he said that. At first I got upset, then I realized I didn’t have a reason to be upset. I looked at my children and I saw them ice skating (or trying to anyway) without a care in the world. I thought about the women that my girls would grow to become. I thought about my son and how he would treat his woman and how he would allow himself to be treated. The entire conversation got me thinking about my life choices, then my thoughts shifted to the guys that I had dated in my life, and I must admit they were all considered ‘bad boys’. Why didn’t I have one good guy in the mix? I started comparing the similarities between all of them, the differences between them and the guys I turned down, and I had an epiphany.

Women look for certain things in men subconsciously, such as confidence, strength, etc. The one thing that the guys I dated had in common was their confidence. All of them approached me with their heads held high and they were able to start a conversation with me easily. All of them initiated the first date and they all took pride in their appearance. All of them had shown in their own way that they would and could protect me. What I didn’t know then but know now, is none of those things determine if a man will be able to be in a committed and healthy relationship. I was like most girls, infatuated with what I thought a relationship was supposed to look like instead of learning what a solid relationship entailed. Unbeknownst to me, my father had set a tone for how men were supposed to be. My dad was a leader, strong, loved his family, and spoke his mind. He was my first male love and I didn’t realize how he had shaped my view on men. I assumed that if a guy had the courage to approach me and could spark a conversation, he was confident. I assumed if a guy beat up another guy, he would protect me. I assumed if a guy asked me on a date and showed genuine interest in me, he had eyes for only me. Life had a funny way of proving me wrong. Those bad boys gave me a rush, a high almost. They lit a fire in me that I didn’t know was there. When they gave me attention and compliments, I felt special. But surely, good guys had the same qualities, right?

I’m not saying that good guys don’t have the same qualities but they normally didn’t show those qualities at the initial introductions. And honestly, good guys RARELY approached me. I knew good guys and one thing I noticed is good guys normally showed those qualities as they became a little older and more comfortable in their own skin. Bad boys had the ability to show those qualities, whether real or fake, upfront. This gave the illusion that they were what I wanted in a boyfriend. When in reality, I didn’t know what I wanted as a young adult. It took me a while to realize that if a guy could so easily approach me and ask me out, he could so easily approach any woman. It took life experience for me to learn that if a guy didn’t hesitate to get into a fistfight with another guy, he wouldn’t hesitate to hit me if I angered him. Eventually, I came to the realization that guys were just as unsure of themselves as girls were, they just had a different way of showing it. I also realized that I was always surrounded by good guys! It was always the bad boys that outshined them, though. I ended a 7-year relationship last year and it taught me to look past the exterior. Without giving yourself time to know someone, you may end up selling yourself short. Although, some people will show their true selves initially, most people will show you what you want to see. That is where wisdom comes into play. Most young girls are not wise nor experienced enough to see how clever and deceptive people can be to get what they want. In my opinion, the hardest lesson of all is finding out what happens when those types of people get what they want.

I spent days pondering and self-reflecting, and I came to one main conclusion. There is no way to predict the future. I made the decisions I made with the knowledge and experience that I had at that time. I don’t think that women purposefully choose men with a bad boy image, but I do think that subconsciously, women are drawn to certain qualities and that may blind them from the bigger picture. Luckily for me, I had learned from my mistakes, some women aren’t so lucky. Ultimately, women have to love themselves enough to be selective and wise when allowing a man to have access to their heart. There is nothing wrong with wanting a loving relationship, but without giving ourselves time to assess a person’s true character and intentions, we don’t give ourselves a fair chance at weeding out the bad apples in the bunch.

Yea, I made some dating mistakes when I was younger. Dwelling on bad choices won’t change them. Every relationship that I had was an experience that I learned from. I think about my kids trying to ice skate that day and all of my bad choices prepared me to teach them so that they wouldn’t make the same mistakes as I did. I loved the woman I became because without those bad choices and overcoming them, I would have never found out how strong I really was and I wouldn’t have discovered the type of love that I deserved all along.