Why Did I Even Have Interest?

Ahhhhh... where do I even begin? So guys, I do NOT have a "type," but I definitely have a certain kind of guy that I notice/spot out first and it's light skin guys with curly hair. NO I do not like just any guy with those two features, they have to be attractive to me too. I'm just very picky with guys in general. Anyways, I only found like two guys at my school attractive last year. This one boy who I just ended up being friends with him because he "only liked white girls," I wasn't confident enough to even confess my attraction, and plus his personality wasn't really that attractive to me. But that's whatever again. We cool nowadays. He's still attractive, but I don't like him like that. As for the other boy, I didn't know him that much, never talked to him, only seen him like once or twice & I was just like head over heels (figuratively).

I'm not even sure what about this boy had me so shook but my first encounter with him was short and sweet. I was in the boys hallway with my friend because first semester all we did was bother people lol. And we were there because we were cool with the RA of that floor, so we were supposed to be helping him but we were more like being annoying lol. I'm pretty sure I was only supposed to be in that hallway because I was trying to see the boy I was talking about at first. I described him to the RA & he SAID that he lived on the floor, but the description was so similar that he had mixed up boys. (Especially since he had the same name as the other boy's roommate.)

Anyways, my friend and I were just chilling in their hallway, laughing and talking. Then these two boys walked past us and one of us asked a question, about who knows what. And they turned around & start talking to us as they were walking. And I could not help but be like "OH. MY. GOSH. He is SOOO CUTEEE!!!" But he never told me his name. I was just like good gracious. He's adorbz! So, days later, I found out his name. And my creepy self is just so satisfied with SEEING my crush. So of course I found out the time he'd always be back in our building, and as creepy as it sounds, it literally all was by coincidence. So I'd purposely be in the first floor lounge just waiting to see him walk by & I am soo annoying & dramatic but it really made my night just to see him & I don't even know why. I think that high key messed up my like friendship with him because the more I just saw him from a distance, the more nervous I made myself to talk to him. If anyone knows me, you'd know that I'm NEVER scared to talk to someone I find cute. Like EVER! The only time that happens is when I just don't have anything to say to them.

See, I have such a low self-esteem that I never get nervous because I already have it set in my mind that I'd end up friend zoned if I ever tried to "make a move" on a guy. I don't know why I'm like this, I just don't feel like I'm enough for what a guy wants. I just can't help it. I still feel this way even to this day.

To make this story more than what it is, I'm going to tell y'all about how we got started going somewhere. So this boy had a friend who wasn't very attractive to me so it was absolutely no problem talking to him. And I actually tried to be nice and cool with this boy but he was just annoying and EXTREMELY childish. I couldn't take it anymore. He tried to make it seem like I liked him because I asked him to "teach me basketball." The whole time I was trying to be around him so I could get closer to the main target (my crush). I was trying to "use him" per se, but it ended up sounding that way so oh well, we all get used at some point lol. But I didn't mean to be rude about it, it kind of just happened. So skip past everything, because I EMBARRASSINGLY ran from my crush at one point! I don't even wanna talk about that at all because that's just so CRINGE! But I only ran because he came to say hi to all the guys he knew in the lounge and the childish boy was there & I just knew he'd do something petty & immature, so I ran. Plus I was nervous to be around him anyways. Everyone blew me too because they were like, "Eboni that's so childish," when really it's NOT because people really don't understand my insecurities. I really just am not confident in myself AT ALL!

Skip past some more, like towards end of first semester lol YIKES! So, the friend ended up "liking" my roommate and he would be in our room, so one day he said he was going to bring my crush & I thought he was just joking. Y'ALL... this boy REALLY brought my crush to my room. Like WHAT THE FREAKKKKKK!??? Why the heck would he do that!? KNOWING DAG ON WELL HOW NERVOUS THAT BOY MADE ME! I real life just wanted to like him from a distance! But couldn't do that. So, once again EMBARRASSING AS EVER, he brings him in when there's like A THOUSAND people in our room, and everyone in there KNEW I had a crush on this boy. So he gets there, I get quiet, & EVERYONE in the whole entire room leaves. LIKE LITERAL WHAT THE F! So we're in there, chilling. I'm trying not to talk so much because I'm nervous as ever. And plus the entire time I'm thinking like, 'Omg he thinks I'm ugly. I'm ugly to him. Wow he don't think I'm cute. Ughh!' Like no one truly understands how my freaking brain operates. I have this thing where I HAVE to be perfect and if I'm not then it's an issue. But yeah, we were just chilling, trying to have a convo. Legit SO AWK! And... he actually asked me for my number. I was really surprised. Because I was sitting there the whole time thinking about how ugly I was. But yeah, we texted a little bit that night & then the next morning we didn't. Meanwhile, it's literally the DAY before our winter break. As in I take a final & then I'm going home. Y'all our winter break is legit a month long. A WHOLE FREAKING MONTH!! When I tell y'all this kid asked for my number for absolutely NO REASON! He didn't message me not one time & I put MY pride aside & text him FIRST. Y'all know when he responded? The next semester . His excuse was lame as ever "my service is garbage." Yeah you'd definitely think someone's service is garbage after a WHOLE ENTIRE MONTH! Like what the heck!?

So fast forward, for the next semester I missed the whole entire first week of school because of financial reasons. And this boy decides to message me. He had no idea that I wasn't even back at school yet. And me BEING MY NICE STUPID SELF AS ALWAYS, decided to text him back just because even though he had a sorry excuse, I still had feelings for him. For that second semester we texted a LOT! But we NEVER even saw each other. The moment we stopped texting was when I finally kept seeing him in person & OF COURSE I was still feeling hideous!

But let me tell y'all exactly why we stopped texting. So, one day it was very late & I was coming from a party. My friend, his friend, & I decided to go to this school store that's always open late, before we returned to our building. And as we were walking in, we saw each other, but we just both kept walking. So, I go to my room, & he texts me. He asked me to "keep him company." Y'ALL... it's 2 AM. I just hopped out the shower, looked like a fresh mess, & just didn't feel too comfortable with that. Like I didn't know this boy long enough to just be up in his room at no two o'clock in the morning. Like whaaaaa?! And he talk bout some "keep him company." That sound sketchy afffff!!! I don't trust just no any kind of body. But, I didn't respond till the next morning & I lied to him & told him that I fell asleep. That next morning he left me on read & never responded & this time I DIDN'T put my pride aside & I just didn't text him back. This was the third time I deleted his number & it was because it was for final, because I was tired of both of us like playing.

So, after that we didn't text the rest of that semester. I saw him like a couple of times & said hi but that's it. And then for the summer, no texting. I ended up returning to my school, unfortunately, & of course I came back late. And on my first day of classes, he was like the first person I saw but I avoided him so he couldn't see me (thank the Lord). But after that I kind of just didn't think about him. Lord knows he used to be on my mind constantly. Like I couldn't concentrate on anything & it was probably because I actually thought I was THISSSS close to getting my first boyfriend. But once classes started I just focused on that & dance & trying to join a sport.

Fast forward to me minding my business. Here I am chilling in my friend's room & my phone lit up. I'm like, "ummmm... " So I ignore it at first because I don't save numbers that often, & it was already this girl who kept texting me whose number I didn't save. But I was like uhhhh I'll be nice & check it because I didn't want to make her think I was being rude lol. So I look at my phone & I notice that the first three numbers are not hers. So I was like "ummm... " again. Now listen y'all, I'm not creepy, not a stalker, none of that, the ONLY reason I knew it was HIS number was because as I previously stated, I deleted his contact three times. That means that every time he'd text me, it'd be his number rather than his name. So when he would text, I knew it was his because the numbers looked familiar. Anyways, I waited to respond, because it was a dry "Hey." Then, we had a normal convo, once again from like 12 AM to 2 AM, and I was just being nice so it was chill I guess. He responded to one message, & he has his read receipts on, so I can see he read that but the next message I sent he didn't read.. for an entire, not ONE, but TWO weeks ... ...

Like why text me!? "Why you bother me, when you know you don't want me," as SZA says. Like I legit don't understand it. But I was like ughhh it's whatever and didn't think about it anymore. Fast forward again, he texted me literally YESTERDAY, REAL LATE OF COURSE, and I didn't even read it. AND he didn't respond to the last message I sent TWO weeks ago that he just read, & started a new convo.

This boy is real life doing me dirty & I'm tired of trying. I don't chase after no boys, I honestly don't even care enough. I wish he'd just tell me what he WANTS or leave me ALONE! If he wants to just sleep with me, (WHICH AIN'T HAPPENIN'), at least TELL me so I can stop wasting MY got dang time. I'm not here to just be this person who you bring around anytime you want just when YOU want something. Either you like me or you don't, there is no in between.

Moral of the story is, I'm over him. I'm really about to stop responding to him too. I don't even want him, & he can stop hitting me up. Thanks. Bye.