Why Best Friends Make The Worst Lovers

Here's the situation that happened to me the other day. And honestly, I'm only just recovering.

I had that awful, uncomfortable, confronting conversation with one of my girlfriends about her dating life.

She practically backed me into a corner. And the honest, caring friend in me couldn't walk away without telling her how I really felt.

Yeah, it was one of those moments, where no one is a winner. 

But when my friend told me she wanted to start dating her male best friend, the red flags started showing themselves immediately.

It wasn't that my friend had fallen in love with her best friend. That's a whole different story. And it wasn't like she was even attracted to her best friend either.

There was nothing romantic about her decision to pursue him for a romantic relationship.

She said, with absolute clarity, "It simply makes sense for us to date."

I listened to all the reasons she had that made sense. There were things like the way they knew each other so well. And how they were both single and looking for love. And they didn't need to bother with working out if they got along.

Because of course, they got along, they were best friends.

Instead of supporting her pursuits, I opened my big mouth and told her what I really thought about dating a best friend. And, if the situation ever fell into my lap, why I would run for the hills before dating my best friend.

Reason #1: The dating history? Yeah, you know it all.

I tell my best friend so much about my life. She knows almost everything, aside from what it has been like to be in my shoes, or in the shoes of those I dated. But for the most part, she knows:

• How many I've slept with - One-night stands, affairs, relationships that involved sex.
• How many people I've cheated on - My attitudes towards fidelity with certain partners.
• The reasons I've broken up with people - The trivial and sometimes immature reasons I couldn't be with someone anymore.
• The people I've fantasised about - Everyone I've had a crush on or said I would like to be with. Or have engaged in an innocent flirtation with.

Whilst it's can be wonderful to know all this about a potential partner, and still like them, sometimes you can know too much. You can know things that most people in relationships choose to keep in their past. 

Or those things a person deems unnecessary to share with their partner.

Most mature relationships don't need a biography of how many people they've slept with before them, for example. The older we get, the less we tend to care about keeping score.

But with two best friends? Well, the knowledge is already there. 

And you can't un-know it.

Reason #2: What you know changes everything

Whilst on the idea that you can't un-know something about your best friend, what you know shapes your dating future.

If we summed up this knowledge, we would say there is complete honesty and transparency between you. That should be a good thing.

Yet, before you start dating, your friend has a preconceived idea about your dating life. They have passed judgement on your previous dating decisions.

Though everyone pretends to dismiss these judgements when the friendship turns romantic, it doesn't stop these value judgements from becoming a point of contention. For example:

• They know you've cheated in the past and, deep down, they believe you will do it again - This leads to a lack of trust in your romantic relationship.
• They know you've had a threesome before, so they assume you will do it again with them - Once you say no, they start to make assumptions about why you won't explore sex with them.

It's almost like a parent with their child. Sometimes they're unable to see when a child grows up, matures and changes. They always see them as a baby they need to nurture and protect.

In this case, your best friend always sees everything, good, bad, and ugly from your past as something relevant to your relationship with them. Even if it happened twenty years ago, they can't un-learn this dynamic with you.

Reason #3: Two friends? You had better get it right.

Some people can date their friend, realise it doesn't work out, and return to their former friendship. Others aren't so lucky.

When you become lovers, the friendship disintegrates. You've altered the dynamics beyond recognition. There is no turning back.

To avoid this happening, everyone is piling on the pressure for you to make it work. This includes:

• Mutual friends - For anyone who shares in your friendship, they don't want to lose either of you as friends. Though whilst you're together, it's great. They get both of you at once. But should the relationship sour, they know a choice is coming. Though most people don't admit to taking sides in a break-up, they do it without knowledge. Your friends will actively avoid this pain at all costs.
• The family who knows your friendship - They want what's best for you. But some family members will secretly wish you had hooked up earlier. Once their dreams for your love life play out in real life, it's easy to feel the pressure to make it work.
• You - Of course you want it to work. They are your best friend. You don't want to lose them; the romance, the friendship, everything.
• Your best friend (now your partner) - They share the same desire as you. They want it to work so they don't lose the friendship either.

Pressure doesn't help romantic relationships. It's known to break them.

Sure, a healthy dose of chaos can bring people closer together. But two people stressing over getting it right isn't conducive to organic, romantic relationships. It's a mood killer.

Reason #4: Skip the 'getting to know you' fun of dating

This isn't a hard a fast rule with best friends turned lovers, but I doubt you would feel surprised if this happened to you. 

When you convert your best friend into your partner, you skip a lot of steps. You skip:

• The first dates - You have already had them , sort of. You've been to the movies together. You've had dinner with them a thousand times. It's not special in the same way it is with someone you don't know.
• The first time you find out something about them - There is a magic about discovering someone enjoys the same tv show as you. Or love sports the way you do. Finding those commonalities feels like you're connecting. It fuels your intimacy.
• The first time you touch - You've probably already hugged or made some physical contact before. Sure, this hug, for example, won't feel the same, but you can't deny it loses its magic when you've already done it before. Or if you can't switch off the friendship routine you've been in, and neither of you exercises a romantic hug. You still physically act like friends.

I understand why some people don't find this stage of romance fun. I can appreciate butterflies from the honeymoon period of dating can feel like anxiety. It's not fun. It's stressful. I get that.

And there is something romantic about falling in love with someone you already know.

But you can't ever get the start of a relationship back. It only happens once. It has to be something you're willing to skip and know you will never get back. You have to be able to live with that idea.

It's your decision…

I'm not chastising my friend's decision or saying this rule applies to everyone. Because there is always an exception. There are always going to be two best friends who fall in love and are perfect for each other.

And I would never stand in her way of happiness. If that's what she wants to do, I support her.

Yet, just like the perils of dating a stranger, dating someone you know inside out isn't the perfect dating path either. 

It's not a guarantee you will have a strong, long-lasting relationship. Starting out as friends doesn't mean you have found true love.

Sometimes, we fall in love with on-paper romances. But you don't live life on paper.

Food for thought.