Why Believing in 'The One' Can Hinder Your Relationships

Hopeless romantics everywhere gush whenever they hear the term 'soulmate.' I used to do the same thing. I believed in the concept of 'the one.' But over time, I have learned how damaging this idea can be. I remember many years ago, talking to my mom (who has been married to my dad for over 40 years) and she said that you can be compatible with many people, and that 'the one' is just the person you choose to be with.

At the time, I wasn't sure I believed that. Seeing her and my father's relationship, I couldn't fathom that she (or he) would ever have been good for anybody else. But when you think about it more deeply, what she said is true. It's not about finding 'the one,' it's about becoming 'the one.'

You see, regardless of who your partner is, no relationship is going to be smooth sailing 100% of the time. Every relationship takes work. It requires intentionally choosing to love your partner, to compromise, and to communicate each and every single day.

And when we live with the belief that a soulmate exists, we eliminate the need for taking responsibility in our relationships. We assume that having a soulmate means we'll never hit bumps in the road. We'll never get hurt. We'll never mess up, etc. because our 'soulmate' matches with us so perfectly, our relationship will be a real-life fairytale.

But none of us are perfect, and the success of a relationship is determined by the amount of work you put into it, not by the person you're in a relationship with.

Also, when we submit to the idea that there is one special person made just for us, we eliminate the gift of free will. If we have no say in whom we spend our lives with, we have no freedom of choice. If we think that our 'person' is just going to drop out of the sky and onto our lap one day, we'll be waiting forever. The healthier approach is to acknowledge that there are multiple people we could be in a happy, healthy relationship with.

You can be compatible with more than one person. It just depends on who you choose to be with. You can absolutely have a lifelong relationship - a phenomenal one - if you choose to do the work and be the best partner you can be. So if 'the one' does exist, it's because you have chosen to give yourself to that person and nobody else.

It's like what we see on The Bachelor. There are twenty-five women that could possibly be right for the guy, but in the end he chooses which woman to give his heart to. And if he and his chosen rose recipient both contribute 100% to the relationship, it will likely be a success.

One final thought: when we live with the idea that 'the one' exists, we also assume that this person will meet our entire relationship checklist. Meaning, we might pass up a great partner because we're waiting on someone who has brown hair instead of blonde. Or someone who likes sports instead of art. Allowing ourselves to let people in who might not fit a specific set of criteria makes our chances of meeting a wonderful partner much higher.

I'm not saying that you should settle, or sacrifice your values. I'm saying stop writing people off because of the superficial things you desire in a partner. Traits like honesty, integrity, respect, and communication are far more important than someone's height or career field. You could have already met the love of your life and not realize it because you were too busy finding things wrong with him.

The sooner you let go of trying to find 'the one,' the easier it will be to find someone you can choose as your one.

Like what you read? Please consider donating to my tip jar.