Whole (Ch.1 Pt.3)

(* Note : Hello, after a few years away from writing, I'm back and I'll share the story I wrote. You can read the beginning of the story here. Thanks for reading and I hope you'll enjoy)

''There is a coffee shop nearby. Can I offer you a coffee ? Yours might be cold now.''

Well, I wasn't sure what he meant by ''Yours might be cold now'', had he been watching me since I arrived? Holding his gaze, I tried to read his mind. I wanted to know if he meant what he said - I needed to know – but I faced an impenetrable wall, the kind of wall I knew too well. It was the same kind of wall I had been building around me for years.

Surprisingly, I noticed that he was like me, and the mystery around him made me want to know more about his life. He seemed strong and secure at first sight, but in reality, he was only pretending. Did he have a similar past than mine? I didn't know, but he had so much more than his physical appearance. I now was sure of it. I had always believed that scars were life. It was what comforted me and kept me sane, because once you had experienced such a heartbreak, you would protect every broken piece the best way you could. You would create a shelter away from any potential harm, hiding your shattered treasures from the world, because it was the only way you could survive.

''I … I'm sorry. I've no time right now. I've to go to work. Another day maybe ? Here is my card. Call me''.

With trembling hands, I gave him my professional card, and like a thief, I ran away, without looking back at him. I didn't even wait for him to say something. I heard him mumbling some words but I was already far gone to hear any of it. I didn't want to hear any of it.

What the hell have I just done ? I didn't lie because it was true, I had to be at work in less than thirty minuts, but I just gave my name, phone number and email to a total stranger. I walked – run – for a couple of minuts, and when I was out of his sight, I stopped and rested my back against a wall. Halting breath, cold sweat, I tried to control my heartbeats and my respiration.

What the hell is wrong with you, Ingrid? Don't, do not feel this for that man. Why are you reacting like this?

My lack of sleep, probably … I knew myself too well. I knew I could make the same mistake twice, I would never be able to recover. Never. Despite the effect he had on me, that strange sensation of freedom and safety, I had come to a point where I couldn't take any risk to get hurt. I took a deep breath and kept walking to work.

He is really nice, girl, maybe a little fun won't hurt you.

No. It would. I knew it would. It totally would break me apart, once again.

******

As I was about to enter the school I worked at, the sound of my phone informed me that I had a text message. '6pm - same place ?'. I stared at the screen.

Why is he doing this ? This is real torture.

“Hey ! Where have you been ?” my coworker and friend asked, cheerful as usual.

“Hi Louise, nowhere, just went for coffee. I need another one, by the way”

“The meeting has been canceled, they will give us another date later this week”

“Best news ever !”

We both giggled, and walked to the staff room. I put my jacket on the coat rack and sat at a table, with two other colleagues. While Louise made us coffee, I quickly replied 'ok', and threw my phone in my bag as if it was infected by a contagious disease. My fate was sealed. I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing, not even whether I would go or not.

Monday passed by slowly. Between classes and correcting papers, I had no time to actually be bored, but I found myself looking at the clock every ten minutes. I was stressed, thrilled, scared, excited - all at the same time. I was lost, it was the first time I was confronted to so many feelings at the same time. No matter how I looked at it, I had contrary sensations hitting me hard, deep down. The moment I would see him, I knew I would want to run away so badly. I knew myself too well … at least I thought I did.

5.30pm. Damn girl, already!? You'd better start going.

I packed books and papers to grade, left my office and started to walk towards the park. The cold wind of autumn chilled down by burning skin. The stress and apprehension always doubled the temperature of my body, so this freezing wind was more than welcome.

When I arrived there, some minutes early, I saw him sitting at the exact same place we were that morning. I stopped and looked at him. He was wearing a long black jacket, jeans and a gray scarf. I hadn't really paid attention to what he was wearing this morning, but I had to admit that he looked great, he had good tastes for clothes, but this only reminded me that he was way too handsome to be trusted. I was good at analyzing people, body language was my strength. His lips were slightly opened, his breathing even, his head sightly bent forward. He was writing something on a little brown notebook. One page was full. The other had just some words written on it. A slight smile appeared on my face. He seemed focused on what he was doing and very peaceful – not like me at all. I was boiling inside, and I thought I was about to faint. I took a deep breath and made some steps towards him.

“Hi''.

He turned his head, looked at me and smiled before closing his notebook and putting it on his bag. Dear God, his eyes cannot be real !

''Hello. I wasn't sure you were coming.''

Me neither if you want me to be honest. I wasn't sure why I had accepted, but he was intriguing, and as long I wouldn't get involved in something more than just a cup of coffee, I should be fine.

''Why not ?'' I asked, faking that I hadn't understood.

''I … well … I thought I had somehow scared you a little ''

''Not really, but I have to admit I wasn't sure myself I would come.''

I couldn't help but smiled. He really was different. Something made me feel better, reassured me, and I put down my guards without being aware of it. He smiled back and stood up. His smile was so bright that he could lit up an entire room in the dark. His large and strong features were impressive. They showed the result of what I imagined was intense daily workout. I had no doubt he was strong and wouldn't break easily, and this was a positive point. Imagine yourself in his arms, how good would it be. His lips aren't bad either, you should …

“Oh, shut up!”

“Excuse me ?”

Oh dear, I was damned. I just wanted to burry myself under earth and disappear, but the expression on his face was priceless, the little frown wrikles were adorable.

''I'm so sorry... I wasn't talking to you. It … it just escaped me''

''I don't know why but something tells me I won't be bored with you''

''If you mean that you will laugh at me making a fool of myself, then yeah, you won't be disappointed. I'm quite good at that.''

''I can't wait to see that … Shall we go ?''

''Coffee ?''

''If you want, but I have another plan in mind''

'Which is ?''

''It's maybe a bit too late for coffee, so I thought we could go for a cup of red in a bar. I don't live too far from here and I know a really nice and calm bar near my place.''

Alcohol and me weren't good friends, but I didn't think twice, I needed it so I nodded.

''Sure. Let's go then.''

Maybe I was being too naive, maybe I was trusting again too easily. There were parts of me that had the red light on, warning me of the danger I was just about to face. Other parts, however, were pushing me towards this storm of feelings he was giving me.

I had been broken in the past, my heart had been ripped off my chest, smached and bruised when I was powerless to prevent it, but his storm was slowly destroying the wall I had built around me over the years. He had put down the first brick of this thick and strong wall. He couldn't see inside it yet, or maybe he did. I was clueless on whether he could see past my defences, it scared me not knowing what he knew. Somehow, it gave me some strength, but also, more doubts than I already had.

*to be continued*