Who Can Tell if Your Date Went Well

I just started dating again for the first time in the 21st century. It was great. I nailed it. Could not have been more charming if I was spritzed with charm dust. It is safe to say that I haven't lost my touch over the years. That's what I felt. I just don't know how she felt about the whole dating experience with me. Her assessment of the evening might not align with my glowing review of my dating skills, but how would I know? There are articles online about signs that your date went well, but we need is an article about knowing if your date was less awesome than it could have been. Like dinner last night, I have that covered. See what I mean about the charm?

1. When you saw her for the first time, was it love at first sight or did she walk right passed you? Did she legitimately not recognize you, or do you think she was pretending not to recognize you? This first encounter is generally about looks, so if she ended the date before you even had the date, it's probably not on you. All the skinny pants and bodily ax can't help if she's just not attracted to your musical tie, sleeveless Hawaiin shirt, and eye patch with the pirate decal printed on it. The heart wants what the heart wants.

2. Did you let her order her food at dinner, or did you do that for her? This practice of ordering for both you and your female guest dates back to the 17th Century France custom of 'hier soir ensemble', which literally translate to, 'I am master of the menu.' Believe it or not, 'hier soir ensemble' has fallen out of favor with most women. Some even think that it's rude to just decide what someone else is going to eat. If she threw a glass of water in your face and then ordered another glass of water for you, that's an early indication that things got off on the wrong foot. Remember the wise idiom, "If your face is wet, you best just forget."

3. If she slapped you when you leaned in for a kiss, it might be your fault. Did you introduce yourself before you went in for the smooch? Some women might find that dazzling and romantic, though it's safe to say that this move is destined to get you slapped. Did you lean in for the snog with your mouth full? Chew and swallow your food first and stop calling it a snog, you juvenile wanker.

4. Were your pickup lines horrible? That's a given; all pickup lines are horrible, but some are so much worse than others. 'You look nice this evening' is a genuinely thoughtful statement. 'I better call 811 cus I'm digging you,' is just genuinely creepy.

5. If you were struggling to come up with things to say to keep the conversation moving forward and you resorted to topics such as how much you hate sand, things you can pick up with your toes, or what foods make the best burps, you should not plan on a second opportunity.

6. Your date probably went worse than you realize if you spent the entire time explaining your conspiracy theories. Some theories are too controversial to bring up until you know someone well. For instance, bringing up vaccinations or critical race theory is far too sensitive to discuss at an early period in your relationship. Some ideas are just too insane to bring up anytime in your relation. If you rambled on about flat earths, pigeons, Elvis, Illuminati, moon landings, fluoride, or Area 51, you probably came off as a crackpot. Don't give up though, there's still plenty of women out there somewhere who like a good conspiracy.

7. If you call the number you have for her the next day and the person who answers is using a fake accent, pretending to go through a tunnel, or insists that they don't speak English even though they are saying that in English, it's probably a hard no. Good for you for calling her right away.

8. Lastly, if any of the following are true, prospects don't look good: She wore a wedding ring on the date; she showed you pictures of her husband; she actually brought her husband on the date; or her husband showed up to the date without her.

Don't lose faith. The right one is out there, somewhere, I hope.