Who Am I?

I'm writing this in response to the “About Me” stories that have been popping up on vocal groups. I figured I'd chime in with my own story. I was once told that I was dealt a really bad hand in life. That was the first time I found myself in an inpatient psych ward at the age of 16. My parents split at the age of 8 or 9 and I never saw my father much after I turned 10. He had moved away back to his parents' home and left my life.

My mother remarried a raging alcoholic who I was to call my stepfather and though I have forgiven her; my mother was also a codependent alcoholic. I had no model of what an adult should look like, how to love, how to be a man or anything. In school I struggled with being bullied because I was the skinny kid and made for an easy target. Between these two worlds of hell, I found little to no refuge; only a black hole inside me that kept growing.

I had a lot of anger issues that manifested during those years and no outlet for them to be released. It led me to self-harming and suicidal tendencies. After I had put a light to both my arms and basically branded myself, I realized how bad I really was. That was when I was placed into a mental health facility and put on anti-depressants.

Through therapy I finally started to make progress in my life and improved mentally. My junior year of high school I lost a family member to suicide and it was the first time I would be able to visit my father after so many years. He told me his story and why he had to leave and over the years I've come to understand it. I still struggle to find who I am in all of this because I chose to only see myself as a victim for many years. This is the first time I discovered writing and journaling for myself. It was if something had finally unlocked inside me and I could write how I felt rather than self-implode my feelings.

Eventually I graduated high school and enlisted into the army. I excelled at being a soldier and soon found myself at my first unit who was deploying to Afghanistan 6 months later. We trained the best we could and there I was in Afghanistan; my first time ever leaving the country. I was involved in an IED and survived but suffered mentally because of it. When we returned home, I began heavy drinking to drown out the memories of everything we had experienced.

I barely survived the end of my contract with the army, but I did. I managed to clean myself up long enough to go to college for my childhood dream job, Archaeologist. I graduated a year early and thought my life had peaked. Soon that heavy drinking came back around with the same feelings. Trying to fill that same black hole I felt as a child. I was making poor decisions with my life and came to the conclusion that I was in fact an alcoholic. I threw out a fresh 24pck of beer I had bought the night before and went to AA.

Recovery changed me and guided me to become the man I am today. I became spiritually connected again and with it I was able to find my gifts once more. Storytelling, writing and sharing my experiences. My grandpa was an amazing storyteller and it was the thing I admired most growing up. I never thought I would see the day I could not only tell my story, but write stories for others. Sobriety helped me find who I was, when I was a discombobulated mess.

So, who am I? I'm Matt, a recovering alcoholic, a veteran, a survivor of not just combat, abuse, but my own mind. I have an anxiety disorder that before therapy led to panic attacks but that’s no longer the case. I am a storyteller and instead of weaving the lies in alcoholism, I choose to weave my stories together for others. Writing keeps me grounded in my reality because my mind always tries to live in the fantasy world. Vocal has given me a place to leave my fantasies on the page and keep them there. I'm still learning who I am, and where I want my life to go but on vocal, I feel comfortable just being me and I feel at home.